


Bica

by just_a_noona



Category: VIXX
Genre: Angst, Coffee Shops, F/M, Fluff, Gen, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, Love Triangles, Multi, Other, Suggestive Themes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-05
Updated: 2016-10-31
Packaged: 2018-08-13 03:28:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 43,573
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7960666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/just_a_noona/pseuds/just_a_noona





	1. Americano With Salt: 1

"What are you doing this weekend?" The man asked me.

He was a regular customer, but I didn't know his name. He always paid with cash, and always gave me a joke as his name for his order. Still, there's no harm in conversation, and he was always polite when he came in. Not that he was much of a conversationalist. Talking to him was like what I imagine talking to a cat would be like. He never said more than necessary.

"Hmm... I don't know. Maybe I'll go out with my friends."

"Go out with me."

I turned him down that first time. It felt too strange to go on a date with a customer.

I turned him down when he asked again a month later.

I turned him down a third time, two months after the second. I even turned him down the fourth time, six months after the first time he had asked.

After each attempt, he would just quietly nod. The day after getting turned down, he would come in, give me another fake name, pay with cash, and sit on one of the stools by the counter to wait for and consume his drink. It would usually take him three days to become conversational again. On day four he would apologise.

On his fifth attempt, a year after his first, I finally agreed.

I hated to think that I had been worn down, but it wasn't quite like that. I knew by now that I could say no and that there'd be no repercussions. I knew by now that he wasn't a threat. He had never insisted on walking me home, he had never happened to show up somewhere where I was, he had never so much as asked for my number. Just that one request, with longer intervals between each attempt; "What are you doing this weekend? Go out with me."

* * *

 

Our first date was a bit more elegant than I expected. He bought tickets to an opera performance. I think my mouth hung open for a solid thirty seconds when he said it. It was such an off hand mention.

"I have tickets to Die Zauberflöte."

He watched me silently after that. When I finally recovered I barely managed to say that that was more than okay. The faintest hint of a smile tilted the corners of his eyes.

"Thursday then. Your address?"

After scribbling my address onto a napkin and agreeing to be ready by four, I watched him leave the cafe. It was only after he was gone from sight that I realised that we hadn't exchanged numbers. Even more alarming, I still didn't know his real name.

* * *

 

"Do you know who you agreed to go on a date with?"

My co-worker nudged me as we cleaned up the cafe for closing.

"I think today he said his name was Lancelot."

"Oh my god," he shook his head, "how clueless can you be?"

"Yah! It's not my fault that he always uses a fake name," I waved the broom in my hand towards him.

"Aish... This girl. I'd tell you, but it will be more fun to watch if you don't know."

* * *

 

After the first date, he had me home by eleven. At my doorstep he simply handed me his phone.

"Your number."

I punched it into his contacts. His ghost of a smile shone when he took the phone back. He bowed and retreated to his car. I waved to him as he stood next to his open door.

"Go in safely," he called up to me.

He texted about as much as he spoke. It was a nice change. Too many people felt the need to text or call all the time. In contrast, he texted me only when he actually had something to say. The most trivial text he sent me was when one of his friends told him he ought to text more.

> **From: Americano with salt  
> ** **Should I contact you more?**
> 
> **From: Americano with salt**   
>  **Does it bother you?**
> 
> **From: American with salt**   
>  **Be honest.**
> 
> **_To: Americano with salt_ **   
>  **_No. I like it._ **
> 
> **From: Americano with salt**   
>  **It's good then.**
> 
> * * *
> 
>  

Our second date was the next Sunday. A museum date. It was the opening party of a new exhibit. I spotted some faces that I vaguely recognised. I had the feeling that they were from some sort of media. Actors? Maybe models from ads?

I surreptitiously looked over the features of my date. I still didn't even know what his name was. Normally I would have been alarmed and put on guard by that realisation, but his manner was so calming that it didn't seem like that big of a deal.

* * *

 

"You still don't know who he is? You've been going on dates for two months!" My co-worker looked like he was going to drop the tub of dirty mugs he was hauling into the kitchen.

"He's... quiet. It hasn't come up," I tried to shrug off his outburst as I wiped down tables.

"Has his name came up?!"

"Um... Not really."

"Oh my god!" He put the plastic tub in the back and came over to me. "What do you even have him saved as in your phone?" He took a seat, straddling a chair as he stared me down.

"Ah... I just have him as his order," I was putting all my effort into not looking at my co-worker.

"Are you fucking kidding me? You just have him saved as Americano?"

"With salt."

"This can't be happening. This is too much. You go out with him every single Sunday! You're bullshitting me. That's the only explanation."

* * *

 

"Let's do something different."

I looked up from my book. It was a slow day in the cafe. He was sipping from a cup marked with "Gawain" today.

"Like what?"

"Saturday night. I have to go to a party."

"Have to?"

He simply nodded, "for work."

I chewed at the inside of my lip. _A work party?_ It had been just over three months since our first date and I still didn't know anything about this man. His name, his job, anything other than the facts that I could pick up from context.

He was evidently somewhat important. He liked privacy. He read a lot, having a taste for stories about foreign culture heroes.

"What's wrong?"

"It's a work party."

He just looked at me, obviously expecting more explanation.

"Isn't that a bit much?"

A slight head tilt.

"I mean..." I didn't usually fumble over words. I slid the bookmark into my book and put it on the counter. Closing my eyes and scrunching up my face, I tried to work out how to articulate my worries.

There was a foreign weight put on top of my hand. I opened my eyes to stare at his hand resting on mine.

"My friends want to meet my girlfriend."

I lifted my gaze from his hand.

"I'm your girlfriend?"

My attention was brought back to the hand. His fingers slipped under my hand, lifting it to his lips. He placed a kiss on it and slowly pressed his cheek against my palm, holding my hand in place with his own. It was the first time he had ever touched me.

"I’m your boyfriend."

"Oh. Well..." My hand was still held to his cheek. "What sort of dress should I wear?"

* * *

 

He had been pulled away by someone. I stood just inside the VIP area of the dance club. I stared across the dance floor, not quite sure how I had gotten onto the other side of the velvet rope.

"Excuse me miss, but are you supposed to be here?"

I looked up at a bouncer. "Oh, uh, sorry. Am I in the way?"

"Are you here with someone?" He looked entirely unamused and annoyed by my presence.

"Yes, he was just pulled away by... someone."

The bouncer looked sceptical. I didn't blame him.

"Who are you here with?"

_Good question._

"Ah, uh, never mind. I'll just go."

I could feel the bouncer's eyes follow me as I crossed back into the common area.

Might as well get a drink while I'm out here. I stood by the bar, waiting for the bar tender's attention.

"Excuse me," a man's voice sounded next to me. I glanced up, not sure that I was the intended recipient.

"Me?"

"Who else?" The man shot me an entirely too practised smile. He was dressed smartly, but with a snapback settled backwards on his head. I didn't return the smile, but held a politely open expression. "Have you already ordered?"

"Not yet."

Another smile.

"Let me buy your drink."

"I don't think..."

"My name is Wonsik. I'm here with my company. I'm not expecting to bring you home, but I would like to talk and maybe get your number."

"I'm actually supposed to be here with my boyfriend."

Wonsik's smile barely hitched. He moved just slightly closer.

"Ah, and he left you alone? Not much of a boyfriend."

I tilted my head, fixing him with an unimpressed look. "I like him."

"You might like me." His hand landed on my arm. It wasn't forceful or restrictive, but it was still unwelcome. I pulled back from him, and his touch.

"I should go find him."

* * *

 

I had no idea where to find him, so I opted for a text.

> _To: Americano with salt  
> _ _Come find me please. I had to leave VIP without you._

I leaned against a table. It was at the edge of the dance floor, not quite against the wall. I figured it was out in the open enough that he would be able to find me easily.

I watched people dance and twist. Part of me wanted to join them, but a larger part of me just wanted to be found.

A song and a half later I felt the table shift slightly. I smiled as I turned, expecting to see him leaning against it.

Instead I was greeted by Wonsik's flirtatious grin again.

"Are you sure you have a boyfriend? Because this is the second time I've found you alone."

"Why would I lie?"

"Maybe you thought I thought you were too easy," he shrugged. "I don't think that, by the way," Wonsik looked serious for a minute. "I just thought you looked..." he raked his gaze over me before finishing his thought, "perfect."

"She is perfect."

I blushed, hearing his voice behind me.

"Hyung," Wonsik greeted him, keeping his eyes on me, "she claims to have a boyfriend, but I'm not convinced. She's been alone all night."

I felt his arm wrap around my shoulder. My blush deepened. This was quite the acceleration for him. I looked up to see him glaring harshly at the younger man in front of us.

"She has a boyfriend."

Wonsik's eyes widened. He started rambling apologies.

"Aish! Hyung, I'm sorry. I didn't realise that..."

He slipped his hand into mine and pulled me away from Wonsik, back towards the VIP area.

"Who was that man?"

"Ravi."

"But he said..."

"Kim Wonsik."

I stopped, pulling my hand out of his. He turned to look at me, confusion momentarily clearing the anger that had been there.

"That doesn't explain anything. Who is he? How do you know him?"

"Yeobo," he reached for my hand again. He pulled me towards him, not quite making body contact. He reached his other hand up to smooth over my hair. "Come."

* * *

 

I followed him back to the VIP area. He led me to a group of three men. He didn't say anything, but their attention was quickly placed on us.

"Hyung! Is this her?"

He nodded slowly. A very thin man looked him over.

"Why are you angry?"

"Wonsik."

"Wonsik? What did..." The thin man's eyes fell to where our hands were still clasped tightly. "Oh. There's no way he could have known though."

"I told him I had a boyfriend."

The thin man nodded thoughtfully.

"That wouldn't convince him right away. I'm Hakyeon, by the way. This is Hongbin, and that's Sanghyuk."

Hongbin dipped his head politely. Sanghyuk started to extend his hand for a handshake, but retracted it under the glare of my boyfriend.

"So, uh, how did you meet Taekwoon?"

"What?"

"Oh, do you call him Leo?"

"Oh, right, right. He, Taekwoon, is a custo..."

"Don't interrogate her," Taekwoon interrupted.

"I was just trying to make conversation."

* * *

 

Leo. Taekwoon. I rolled the names through my mind as the night went on. Taek. Taekwoon. Tae. Woon. I ran through nicknames, tried to think of any word associations, and pondered whether Leo was supposed to reflect the Zodiac sign or just lions.

It felt almost strange to finally have his name. For so long he had just been him. I watched him with his friends. He was still quiet, and he kept a sharp eye on them when they approached me to talk. Especially Wonsik and Jaehwan.

* * *

 

It was nearly three in the morning when he dropped me off at my apartment. I leaned back against my door as he spoke.

"Is it okay? Being out this late?"

I checked my watch before replying.

"It's not even four."

A silent look. He seemed to be closer to me.

"I'm fine."

A slight variance in eyebrow height.

"It's okay. I used to stay out until all sorts of hours before you asked me out," I stopped, thinking for a second. "Well, actually, before I agreed to to go out with you."

"I'm glad you agreed," that shadow of a smile again.

"Me too."

He pressed my hair back, leaning down slightly. My body went cold, making me shiver under his touch.

"Is it okay?" He asked, barely audible over the sound of my pulse.

For once, I was the quiet one, wordlessly nodding.

When his lips left mine he smiled. Truly smiled. He leaned down to my ear.

"One hundred days."

* * *

 

"It took him a hundred days to kiss you?!" My co-worker tied the trash bag top. He looked at me incredulously, "wait, it took you a hundred days to find out his name?!"

This was practically a tradition by now. I would tell him about a date, he would rant at me for being an idiot. Such a loving friendship.

"I couldn't just ask him at that point. Now shush, I need to make sure to count this properly."

When he returned from bring the garbage out, I was done with the register. He leaned against the counter, watching me put the money into the safe underneath.

"So you know who he is now, right?"

"He's Taekwoon."

"That's not what I mean."

"Then what do you mean?"

"This girl. Do you even own a television? Do you know what the internet is? Do you have eyes?"

"What's your point?" I stood up, turning to face him. He pulled out his phone, frantically tapping at the screen. After a moment he shoved it in front of me.

There was a music video playing on the screen. I watched it intently, not quite sure what was happening.

"Wait, is that...?"

"Yes! You are dating Jung Taekwoon, aka Leo, from the internationally acclaimed pop group VIXX! How did you not know this?!"

I was so shocked that I didn't even think to scold him for shouting at me. I just stared at the screen in my hands.


	2. Americano With Salt: 2

“Don’t worry. Everything will turn out well.”

“Six months? We haven’t even been together for six months.”

“It will be okay.”

He was still so reserved. I wanted him to hold me tightly, but he simply held my hand in both of his. He pressed his lips to fingers.

“Taek…”

“I know.”

I moved closer to him, scooting my chair over. He gently put a hand on my cheek.

“Don’t worry.”

I leaned into his hand, eyes closed.

“When do you leave?”

“Nine days.”

“Nine… But that’s…”

“I’ll see you on Saturday instead.”

* * *

 

It obviously wasn’t the first time we had gone out on a day that wasn’t Sunday. It felt more significant though. Sunday was our day, and he was leaving on a Sunday. So I was maybe a bit clingy on Saturday.

He kept dropping my hand that night. When I leaned against him in the movie theatre he gave me his coat, and sat back normally. I knew he wasn’t doing it on purpose, but it still bothered me. Little things that created space between us, but were totally normal and rational.

He stood on my front step, dropping me off, at nine that night. He pressed his lips into my hair, this being the second time he had ever hugged me. He moved to let me go, but I held onto him.

“Come inside.”

“I have to leave early.”

“Leave from here.”

His hands stilled from the comforting motion they had been making on my back.

“I’m not asking you to sleep with me. I just don’t want to let you go yet.”

He pulled back gently, tracing his thumbs over my cheeks.

“I should go.”

“So? There’s plenty of things that people should do that they don’t do.”

* * *

 

When I woke up, he was gone. It wasn’t surprising, but it was disappointing. I had hoped he’d at least wake me to say goodbye.

But that was him. He was quiet to a fault. Besides, he had probably left before dawn, he probably didn’t want to wake me so early.

I shuffled out of my bedroom and into the bathroom. I got into the shower, and sat down in the tub. It was Sunday. No work today. No work, and no him.  _What did I used to do with my Sundays?_

The water started cooling. I quickly washed my hair and got out of the shower before it got too cold. I wrapped myself in a towel and turned towards the mirror.

I couldn’t help but grin. He must have taken a shower before he left. I didn’t know if he knew that the moisture from my shower would make the words he had traced on the fogged up mirror come back, but I was glad it had.

“Don’t worry. Everything will turn out well.”

* * *

 

“There’s a package for you.”

I hung up my coat in the staff area. Jungsu stood next to me, holding a small box wrapped in brown paper.

“Who do you know that lives in France? I thought you were from Portugal.”

“Maybe my parents are on vacation,” I shrugged.

He handed me the box and went back to the front. It must have been slow this morning. I could see his sketch pad on the counter. It made sense, it was cold and wet out. No one would bother going out of their way to come drink with us on a day like today.

Turning the box over in my hands I heard the slight clinking of something inside. I snagged a knife from the work area after I clocked in, and pulled a stool up next to my coworker.

He watched me as I opened it. If it were from my parents, chances were that it had some sort of edible item inside. He knew I’d share it.

I slid the knife into the edge of the package and opened it up. There was a nice box inside. White, slightly embossed with a floral pattern.

“I don’t think it’s from my parents, so you can stop drooling.”

“Just open it.”

There was a snapshot tucked inside the box. Taekwoon looked serious, but was attempting to be cute. He had one hand up, making a peace sign next to his face. The fact that he looked so solemn actually made it cuter to me.

I smiled and set the picture aside. Underneath was a bracelet. It was simple. Spherical stone beads strung on an elastic band. They were red, but some of them had flecks of green in them as well. I slipped it over my wrist as my coworker examined the picture.

“He doesn’t seem like the type for couples items.”

“Hmm?” I was searching for a dry apron, not entirely listening to him.

“Look,” he held the picture out to me, “he’s wearing one as well.”

I took the picture and re-examined it. That explained the pose. His sleeve had been rolled up, exposing the red beads on his own wrist. I nearly melted.

“There’s something written on the back as well.”

I turned the picture over. It was a very Taekwoon styled message. Short, informational, to the point.

“Bauxite from Les Baux. Wear it well.”

* * *

 

> **From: Hongbin  
> ** **Is he texting you? He’s irritated with us.**
> 
> **_To: Hongbin  
> _ ** **_No. Why?_ **
> 
> **From: Hongbin  
> ** **Oh. He’s been on his phone all day.**
> 
> **From: Hongbin  
> ** **He mentioned that he misses you.**
> 
> **_To: Hongbin  
> _ ** **_Really? That’s cute._ **
> 
> **From: Hongbin  
> ** **He should text you if he misses you enough to tell us.**
> 
> **_To: Hongbin  
> _ ** **_You know how he is._ **

* * *

 

> **_To: Americano With Salt  
> _ ** **_I heard you were talkative._ **
> 
> **_To: Americano With Salt  
> _ ** **_You must really miss me if you were willing to say it._ **
> 
> **From: Americano With Salt  
> ** **Yes.**
> 
> **From: Americano With Salt  
> ** **I want to come see you in the cafe.**
> 
> **From: Americano With Salt  
> ** **I want to see your face.**
> 
> **_To: Americano With Salt  
> _ ** **_I miss you too._ **
> 
> **From: Americano With Salt  
> ** **You always purse your lips when you’re making latte art.**
> 
> **From: Americano With Salt  
> ** **It makes me want to kiss them.**
> 
> **_To: Americano With Salt  
> _ ** **_Cute <3_ **
> 
> **_To: Americano With Salt  
> _ ** **_Just four and a half more months. That’s nothing. Soon, okay?_ **
> 
> **Fr** **om: Americano With Salt  
> ** **Soon.**

* * *

 

The last four months were the hardest. His texts tapered off. I felt like I heard from his band members more than him.

Of course, that had always been true after they got my number. Especially Hongbin and Hakyeon. I really appreciated the role that Hakyeon had increasingly taken on. He was always sending me updates. He let me know how shows went, when they had were boarding planes, when they landed, whether they were eating well, if they were getting enough sleep.

> **From: Hakyeon  
> ** **He ate alone again last night.**
> 
> **From: Hakyeon  
> ** **He blew up on Wonsik yesterday.**
> 
> **_To: Hakyeon  
> _ ** **_Why?_ **
> 
> **From: Hakyeon  
> ** **Wonsik was being a jerk.**
> 
> **From: Hakyeon  
> ** **You know how it is.**
> 
> **_To: Hakyeon  
> _ ** **_Don’t make me ask Jae._ **
> 
> **From: Hakyeon  
> ** **It was nothing. Just stress.**

 

> **_To: Jaehwan  
> _ ** **_Tell me._ **
> 
> **From: Jaehwan  
> ** **Anything for you~~~**
> 
> **From: Jaehwan  
> ** **Wait, tell you what?**
> 
> **_To: Jaehwan  
> _ ** **_You know what. Wonsik and Taekwoon._ **
> 
> **From: Jaehwan  
> ** **Just Wonsik being Wonsik.**
> 
> **From: Jaehwan  
> ** **Nothing to worry about.**

I wasn’t convinced. If it was nothing worth talking about, Hakyeon wouldn’t have mentioned it.

> **_To: Wonsik  
> _ ** **_Why won’t anyone tell me what happened?_ **
> 
> **From: Wonsik  
> ** **Because they’re jerks.**
> 
> **From: Wonsik  
> ** **Also, what are we talking about?**
> 
> **_To: Wonsik  
> _ ** **_Oh my god._ **
> 
> **_To: Wonsik  
> _ ** **_Seriously?_ **
> 
> **_To: Wonsik  
> _ ** **_Hakyeon told me that Taekwoon and you argued yesterday._ **
> 
> **From: Wonsik  
> ** **Oh. Yeah. More like he hit me.**
> 
> **From: Wonsik  
> ** **He’s an ass is all.**
> 
> **From: Wonsik  
> ** **I just suggested that maybe he should be the one giving you updates instead of N.**
> 
> **From: Wonsik  
> ** **He went off about how I have no right to question him or his relationship.**
> 
> **From: Wonsik  
> ** **Which, I’d like to point out, I wasn’t even doing. I just thought you might like to hear from him more.**
> 
> **_To: Wonsik  
> _ ** **_Well, sure. But I know how he is._ **
> 
> **From: Wonsik  
> ** **So? If he likes you enough to hit me, he should like you enough to at least let you know when we arrive.**
> 
> _**To: Wonsik  
> ** _ **_You know he doesn’t like talking unnecessarily._ **
> 
> **From: Wonsik  
> ** **So you’re unnecessary to him?**
> 
> _**To: Wonsik  
> ** _ **_That’s unfair._ **
> 
> **From: Wonsik  
> ** **When was the last time you heard from him?**
> 
> _**To: Wonsik  
> ** _ **_Stop._ **
> 
> **From: Wonsik  
> ** **A week ago?**
> 
> **From: Wonsik  
> ** **More?**
> 
> **From: Wonsik  
> ** **Who texted first?**

It had been nearly two weeks, and I had texted first, but I wasn’t about to tell him that.

> **_To: Wonsik  
> _ ** **_I can see why he got angry._ **
> 
> **From: Wonsik  
> ** **Oh my god. Really? When was the last time he texted you first?**
> 
> **_To: Wonsik  
> _ ** **_Stop._ **
> 
> **From: Wonsik  
> ** **Just because you don’t like it doesn’t mean I’m wrong.**

I tossed my phone onto my bedside table. I looked at the clock, 10:32 PM. It must have been mid afternoon for them. I picked up my phone again.

> _**To: Americano With Salt  
> ** _ _**Are you doing well?** _

Three minutes and no reply. Not that that meant anything. He rarely replied promptly. I’ll give him five before texting again.

Ten minutes later and still nothing. _Fine_.

> _**To: Americano With Salt  
> ** _ _**Just wanted to check in. I’m going to bed soon.** _

Nothing. Nothing for nearly half an hour.

> **From: Americano With Salt  
> ** **I’m good. Busy.**

I waited. I expected at least a “sleep well” from him.

I fell asleep waiting.

* * *

 

“Stop overthinking it.”

I dropped my phone into my apron pocket. Frustrated, I started cleaning everything in sight.

“You’re the one that likes his quietness. And you told me that Ra…” My coworker glanced around the shop. There were a few haksaeng at the window seats, but that was it. He leaned in closer, "… that Wonsik flirts with you. He’s probably trying to wind you up to get back at Taek.“

"I know. You’re right.” I put down a mug a little too hard, the handle breaking off in my hand.

“Okay,” he ushered me to the staff area, “you need to relax. Just sit for a minute, I’ll make you some tea.”

I plopped down on the bench under the coat pegs in the staff room. I pressed my palms over my eyes and felt the porcelain of the mug handle still in my hand. It made a soft thunking noise as I tossed it into the trash can.

“I told you to relax.”

“Shush Jungsu.”

He silently handed me a steaming cup of tea. He knew that if I was using his name that I was serious. Pulling a bucket to where he’d be able to watch the door, he sat down.

“They all have the same schedules. How could he be too busy to even reply if Hakyeon, Jaehwan, and Wonsik were all able to respond?”

“Makeup? Stylist problems?”

“I’m not looking for real suggestions. Just let me complain.”

“Right.”

“He’s apparently always messing with his phone,” I ran my fingertip along the edge of the mug, “it’s not like he would have missed the message.”

“Did you ask him?”

“Ask him what? What would I even say?”

He leaned back, shrugging. I bumped my head back against the wall. _I should talk to him. Obviously. That’s the grown up thing to do. But how?_ There were over three months left before he came home, and this wasn’t exactly the sort of thing to be done through the phone. I closed my eyes.

“Maybe he’s tired of me.”

“Yah! Don’t be an idiot.” He put a hand on my arm, squeezing it for emphasis. “If he could stay interested for a year for a crush, he can stay interested for six months for his girlfriend.”

My head sagged, meeting the rim of the mug. The steam on my face felt nice, the peppermint scent calming me slightly.

“Maybe chasing is more interesting for him.”

“Stop it.”

“Why? He’s a celebrity. Someone who isn’t striving for his attention must be more interesting, right?”

He took the mug from my hands, standing up.

“No. This isn’t happening,” his voice was stern. His face was even more so. "Wonsik was trying to get inside your head and you’re letting him.“

* * *

 

My phone chimed cheerfully as I was wandering through the grocer’s. I nearly sprained my wrist going for it.

> **From: Hongbin  
> ** **They’re fighting again! Save me!**

Attached was a selca of Hongbin sat between a posing Wonsik and a grumpy looking Taekwoon on a plane. They were evidently waiting to take off, since everyone had their faces buried in their phones.

> **_To: Hongbin  
> _ ** **_It can’t be that bad._ **
> 
> **From: Hongbin  
> ** **You don’t understand noona.**
> 
> **From: Hongbin  
> ** **Watch what happens if I mention your name.**

Two minutes later I received a video message. I could only see Hongbin’s face, since he was evidently trying to be sneaky about it.

> "Hyung, have you talked to noona lately? How is sh… Yah!”
> 
> Taekwoon’s hand collided with the side of Hongbin’s head. I barely heard his voice.
> 
> “Shut up.”
> 
> “Yah! Stop it you guys!” Hakyeon called from off screen.
> 
> “Yeah, I’m sure Taekwoon is making sure to take care of noona perfectly well. I’m sure everything is fine. I’m sure she’s happy knowing how much Taekwoon car…” I grimaced at the heavy sarcasm in Wonsik’s voice.
> 
> “That’s it! Wonsik, Sanghyuk…”

The video cut out from Hakyeon trying to get control over the situation.

> **From: Hongbin  
> ** **N-hyung made them switch seats.**
> 
> **From: Hongbin  
> ** **Leo-hyung looked ready to kill Ravi-hyung.**
> 
> **_To: Hongbin  
> _ ** **_He always looks like that._ **

Wonsik started texting me.

> **From: Wonsik  
> ** **Can you tell your boyfriend to chill the fuck out?**
> 
> **_To: Wonsik  
> _ ** **_Why?_ **
> 
> **From: Wonsik  
> ** **He hit Hongbin just for asking after you.**
> 
> **_To: Wonsik  
> _ ** **_I know. Hongbin was taking a video for me._ **
> 
> **From: Wonsik  
> ** **Why? He knew he’d get in trouble.**
> 
> **_To: Wonsik  
> _ ** **_I don’t know. Wanted to prove what a bad mood Taekwoon is in I guess._ **
> 
> **From: Wonsik  
> ** **Well now he’s in a worse one.**
> 
> **Fr** **om: Wonsik  
> ** **At least it got him to message you.**
> 
> **_To: Wonsik_ **
> 
> **_Hongbin? He’s been messaging me since you guys sat down._ **
> 
> **From: Wonsik  
> ** **What? No. Leo. Why should I give a shit if Hongbin messages you?**
> 
> **_To: Wonsik  
> _ ** **_Oh._ **

The only messages I had gotten that day were from Wonsik and Hongbin. My phone was quiet for a while.  _They must be in the air by now._

> **From: Wonsik  
> ** **Seriously?!**
> 
> **_To: Wonsik  
> _ ** **_Aren’t you supposed to turn your phone off?_ **
> 
> **From: Wonsik  
> ** **There’s some delay. Hyung seriously didn’t message you?**
> 
> **_To: Wonsik  
> _ ** **_He probably turned his phone off._ **
> 
> **From: Wonsik  
> ** **He took a selca and said he was sending it to you.**
> 
> **From: Wonsik  
> ** **What the fuck.**
> 
> **From: Wonsik  
> ** **I’m stealing his phone when he falls asleep.**
> 
> **_To: Wonsik  
> _ ** **_Don’t. He was probably just trying to get you guys off his back._ **
> 
> **From: Wonsik  
> ** **Sorry, I couldn’t hear you over how much of an asshole your boyfriend is.**
> 
> **From: Wonsik  
> ** **Sounded like you said you were going to let him get away with being a jerk.**
> 
> **_To: Wonsik  
> _ ** **_Stop it Wonsik._ **
> 
> **From: Wonsik  
> ** **Man, I’m practically drowning in all these fucks he doesn’t give about you.**
> 
> **From: Wonsik  
> ** **Maybe I can build a raft out of how much he doesn’t deserve you.**

A notification popped up. I gladly switched over to the other conversation.

> **From: Hongbin  
> ** **Great. Now Ravi-hyung is acting all pissed.**
> 
> **From: Hongbin  
> ** **I wish they’d just get in a real fight already.**
> 
> **From: Hongbin  
> ** **Or go get drunk together.**
> 
> **_To: Hongbin  
> _ ** **_I think those both end the same way at this point._ **
> 
> **From: Hongbin  
> ** **Maybe.**
> 
> **_To: Hongbin  
> _ ** **_I know it’s not your job, but could you maybe try to get Wonsik to relax?_ **
> 
> **_To: Hongbin  
> _ ** **_He’s getting worked up over nothing._ **
> 
> **From: Hongbin  
> ** **Right? He acts like Leo-hyung doesn’t text you almost every day.**
> 
> **_To: Hongbin  
> _ ** **_Don’t you get sarcastic on me too._ **
> 
> **From: Hongbin  
> ** **What?**
> 
> **_To: Hongbin  
> _ ** **_About Taekwoon not texting me much._ **
> 
> **From: Hongbin  
> ** **Every day isn’t much? It’s more than he actually talks.**
> 
> **_To: Hongbin  
> _ ** **_Oh my god. Stop it._ **
> 
> **From: Hongbin  
> ** **Noona… What are you talking about? He’s always on his phone.**
> 
> **_To: Hongbin  
> _ ** **_Stop._ **
> 
> **From: Hongbin  
> ** **Uh… Okay?**
> 
> **From: Hongbin  
> ** **I mean, I think it’s cute how much he misses you, but okay.**

I simply turned my phone off.  _Fuck that._  I could deal with Wonsik being an ass, but Hongbin? I thought he was nicer than that.

* * *

 

I let my coworkers know to call me instead of messaging me. I turned off notifications for kakaotalk. I ignored it when Hakyeon tried calling me after three days. I didn’t need to deal with any more bullshit.

Mostly, I felt good about it. None of Wonsik’s sarcasm, no stone in my stomach when the new message was from Hakyeon instead of Taekwoon. Besides, they had better things to do with their time than interfere with Taekwoon and I. They were on the last stretch of the tour. There was just over a week left before they returned. They could bother me when they get back.

* * *

 

I felt like I had a million messages from all of them when I finally checked them. Well, from five of them anyway.

Wonsik had gone through a few cycles of apologising and then getting pissy at being ignored. There was one point where he thought something bad had happened. That quickly dissolved into anger again after he apparently called the shop and talked to Jungsu.

> **From: Wonsik  
> ** **Your coworker said you’re fine. So you must be ignoring us.**
> 
> **From: Wonsik  
> ** **You’re really just ignoring all of us?**
> 
> **From: Wonsik  
> ** **I guess I can see why you’d ignore me, but Hyuk and Hongbin seriously feel like they did something wrong.**
> 
> **From: Wonsik  
> ** **Don’t be an asshole just because you’re fighting with your boyfriend.**
> 
> **From: Wonsik  
> ** **At least let them know it’s not their fault.**

Hakyeon’s messages read like an itinerary. Plane landings, hotel check-ins, concert recaps. There was only one different message.

> **From: Hakyeon  
> ** **Wonsik says he called your shop. He says you’re really busy. Make sure to eat and sleep well.**

Hyuk and Hongbin’s messages were practically interchangeable. They were sorry for whatever they did wrong. I actually felt a little bad about that.

Jaehwan’s messages were mostly photos. There weren’t many with Taekwoon in them, but the ones that had him were the worst. He was usually on his phone, and in all of the ones where I could see his arms there was no sign of his bracelet.

_Fine._ I guess that’s how it was. I hated that he was apparently too much of a coward to just end it. They were coming back in two days. Was he just going to let me think that everything was fine this whole time? Fuck that.

> _**To: Jungsu  
> ** _ _**We are going out on Saturday night.** _
> 
> _**To: Jungsu  
> ** _ _**We are going dancing. Areum and Gayoung are coming as well.** _
> 
> **From: Jungsu  
> ** **I’m designated driver, aren’t I?**
> 
> _**To: Jungsu  
> ** _ _**See you at 7 <3** _
> 
> **From: Jungsu  
> ** **Fine. But try to get Gayoung to wear that blue dress.**
> 
> _**To: Jungsu  
> ** _ _**I’ll try. No promises.** _
> 
> **From: Jungsu  
> ** **I’ll be there.**

* * *

 

VIXX had landed on Sunday. _Our day._ Wonsik had showed up at the shop Friday night. Thankfully, he had waited until after we locked the doors to cause a scene.

“We were ALL worried about you!” He was following me through the store as I put up chairs. “You couldn’t just let us know that you needed a break from messaging us?!”

“Would you have listened?”

“No, but the others would have! Hongbin thought you were in the hospital or something!”

“That’s silly.” I started sweeping up.

“We were worried! One day you’re responding and the next you just fall off the face of the earth!”

“Fucking… Relax. I just didn’t want to deal with your shit any more.”

“My shit?  **My**  shit? You didn’t want to deal with my **shit**?” Wonsik grabbed the broom out of my hands. He threw it down, grabbing my arm to make me face him. “Your boyfriend hasn’t talked to you in over four months and you’re sick of  **my shit**?!”

I concentrated on not making eye contact. “Stop Wonsik.”

“No. You need to face it. I don’t know what happened but I am not the person you should be mad at!”

“Kim Wonsik! You think I don’t know that?!” I met his gaze. He looked like a crazy person. I was sure that I mirrored that look. “You think I haven’t spent the last six months worrying about exactly this happening?!” I stopped, clamming my mouth shut. I felt like I was going to fall over. I wondered faintly when the last time I had eaten a proper meal was.

Wonsik dropped my arm. His eyes started roaming over my face, then my body. He stepped closer to me. In turn, I stepped back.

“What did you do on Christmas?”

I couldn’t process what he had asked. He kept moving towards me.

“What did you do on New Year’s? Valentine’s Day? White Day? What did you do on those days?”

“I worked. Why should it matter what day it is? People want coffee every day.”

My back hit the edge of the counter. Wonsik closed me in, a hand on the counter to either side of me. He looked me in the eye.

“And Leo?”

“I don’t know. I texted him but… You were in Italy for Christmas, right? And New Year’s. How should I know what he did?” I felt a weight in my chest. An electric knot building in my lungs.

“How did you know where we were?”

“I don’t know. Someone texted me. Hakyeon, probably.”

“ **I**  did.  **I**  texted you. I sent you pictures of all of us in stupid sweaters on Christmas. I sent you pictures of us with party hats on New Year’s.” He was too close. He wasn’t touching me at all, but he was too close.

“When was the last time you heard from Leo-hyung?”

* * *

 

The dance floor was packed. The heat was incredible. My phone was off. I’m not drunk enough. I kept thinking about yesterday. I saw Jungsu and Gayoung dancing a little ways away. I had lost track of Areum.

I leaned against the bar. Someone offered me a drink. I accepted.

Half an hour later, I was dancing with drink guy. His name wasn’t worth remembering. His face was barely worth a second glance. His manners were pretty good though. Hands on my waist instead of my hips, lightly brushing against me instead of grinding. I would have felt bad about using him if I had been more sober, or less upset. As I was, I just wanted to keep him wanting. His most attractive feature was his attraction to me.

Two hours later I was giggling in a booth. Drink guy was telling Areum and I stories about being a delivery driver. They weren’t funny, but the alcohol fooled us.

I was leaning back and forth, laughing while patting drink guy on the arm. He smiled at me, laughing at my own laughter. He placed a hand on my shoulder, leaning in, requesting my number.

His body was pressed tighter against mine. His hands stayed decent, but were slowly working their way from G to PG-13. He spoke into my ear, saying he was having fun. I told a lie, telling him I was too.

There was a second pair of hands on me. Then just one pair. Then a single hand, gripping my wrist tightly, pulling me out of the dance club.

Pavement under my feet. Glaringly bright street lights overhead. I was blind for a minute. Then the lights receded. Bricks against my back. Lips against my skin. My body tried to start up, reactions slow. I eventually pushed this person back.

“Why?”

I knew that voice. I had heard it before. _Why did I know that voice?_

“Taekwoon?”

Silence in response.

“What are you doing here? Why… How did you know I was here?”

He dug his phone out of his pocket and offered it to me. I slid the lock open, only to be greeted by Gayoung’s SNS. There was a picture of Areum and I with drink guy. It was accompanied with a location tag and a caption.

> That’s my girl! He doesn’t know what he lost!

“Okay. But why are you **here** Taekwoon?”

“I missed you.”

_Fuck. Fuck no. Fuck that. Fuck him._

“Bullshit!”

“What…”

“I haven’t heard from you in months! I haven’t heard from you since **November**! Every scrap of information I’ve gotten about you had to be through your friends!” I took a deep breath, shivering in the chilly night air. Taekwoon shrugged off his coat, draping it over my shoulders. I pushed him away, shoving his coat into his hands.

“I know you saw my messages. The others said you were constantly on the phone. Even in pictures you were on your phone.”

“Yeobo…” Taekwoon tried to get a hold on my arms. I snatched them back, stepping back, hitting the brick wall as I tried to create distance.

“Stop it! You can’t just… You don’t get to ignore me for months and just pretend that it’s okay. You can’t pretend that we’re okay. It’s not okay!”

“Jagiya…”

“Oh my god! Stop! Just stop!" I didn’t remember starting to cry, but here I was. "I’m not your jagi! I’m not your yeobo! I’m not your aegi! You showed me what I am to you! I’m nothing! I’m nothing to you!”


	3. Americano With Salt: 3

“You can’t leave me.”

That was it. No attempt at an explanation. No arguing. Just that one sentence. I had been crying and yelling for twenty minutes and that’s all he had to say for himself.

“You can’t leave me.”

He wrapped his arms tightly around me. I tried to get out of his grip, but he just waited out the struggle.

“You can’t leave me. You can’t. Don’t. You don’t mean that. You can’t mean that. You can’t leave me.”

He kept repeating himself. It was the most I had ever heard him speak at once.

“You can’t. You can’t. You just can’t. I… I can’t let you. You have to stay with me. Always. Stay with me always. Please. You can’t leave me.”

I felt his lips on my hair, his weight crushing me slightly against the wall.

“Taekwoon…”

“No. No, no, no. No. You’ll stay with me, right? I need you to stay with me.”

“November…”

“I know. I know, I know. I know. I’m sorry. Aega… I’m sorry.”

“And Jaehwan…”

He finally stopped talking. Extricating himself from me, he looked into my eyes.

“What about Jaehwan?” His eyes flashed danger. He kept me in place, his hips pinning me against the wall between his hands.

“The pictures he sent me. You stopped wearing the bracelet. You stopped talking to me. You stopped wearing the bracelet. You stopped everything. You’re the one that left me.”

“Aega…” He leaned closer.

“I thought that it was just Wonsik trying to get to me. I thought I was overthinking things. I didn’t want to admit it. But November…”

“Yeobo…” His lips were on my jaw, shifting over my skin. He pressed into me, whispering “no” and“please” between tracing kisses over my neck, face, and lips. I let him do it for a minute, enjoying the new level of skinship.

But then I remembered why he was so close. It took the realisation of a loss to illicit this response. He refused to touch me until he was worried about not having me. I shoved him back. He obviously wasn’t expecting it, since he stumbled backwards. He half fell, one of his legs giving out under him, tripping over the uneven concrete.

“Yeobo?”

I turned on my heel, starting towards the main street. I tugged my phone out of my pocket as I heard him scrambling and calling after me.

“Jagiya! Yeobo! Stop! You can’t leave me!”

* * *

“I didn’t think you had it in you.”

The streetlights passed over us. The warmth coming from the heater did next to nothing to fight the chill in my body. I nearly jumped out of my skin when Wonsik’s hand landed on my shoulder.

“You’re shivering still? There might be a sweatshirt in the back seat.”

I didn’t move. At the next red light, he threw the car into park and reached back between the seats. He pulled up a Supreme hoody.

“Here. Put this on.”

I just stared at the clothing for a minute. Eventually, some part of my brain clicking into place, I pulled it on.

“Better?”

A non-committal throaty noise was all I could manage.

“Unfortunately, I don’t have anything to help with that skirt.”

I leaned against the window, trying not to remember the last six months.

* * *

“Yah, noona, wake up. We’re here.”

“Where… Wonsik?”

“Yeah.” He was leaning down, trying to pull me out of the passenger door. “Come on. It’s my apartment.”

“Your apartment?”

“You fell asleep.” He threaded an arm under my shoulders, the other delicately looping under my knees. “I don’t know where you live. Not many options.” He lifted me out of the seat.

“Oh.” I wrapped my arms around his neck reflexively, closing my eyes.

“Don’t worry. I’ll sleep on the sofa.” I heard the soft ding of an elevator.

“Mmm.”

“Can you stand?”

“I can’t do anything. I’m worthless. I can’t even date right.”

“Hush. I know you feel like that, but hush. Leo was the one who…”

“Wonsiiiik…”

“Yes?”

“Stop.”

“But…”

“I don’t want to cry in public,” I tightened my grip on his neck and buried my head in his shoulder, trying to hide my face. “Save it for the apartment.”

He slowly let my feet down, but held me up by my shoulders. Both of his arms wrapped around me tightly, offering my stability and comfort in equal parts.

“You’ll be fine noona. Everything will be fine.”

“No.”

“Yes you will. I’ll make sure, okay?”

I rubbed my face into his chest slightly. He made a soft “oh” sound, and started running one hand through my hair.

* * *

He must have lived on the millionth floor or something. The elevator ride took ages. When I finally heard it ding again, he bent and looped up my knees again.

“Almost there. Do you want ibuprofen or Advil?”

“Doesn’t matter. Water.”

“I know. Here, stand for a second. I have to unlock.”

My feet touched down again. His grip on my waist was tight as he dug his keys out of his pocket. He was acting like he thought I’d collapse without his help. He might have been right.

“Alright, last time.”

* * *

He put me down on his bed. I burrowed under the blankets as he went to retrieve water and Advil for me. I felt the bed next to me dip very slightly. A cat greeted me when I opened my eyes.

“Hello.”

The creature sniffed at me a bit before moving to settle down between my legs. The heat from the cat started bringing my legs back to life.

“You met Chartreuse.”

“Your cat is named Chartreuse?”

“Shut up.” Wonsik nudged me slightly, and I shifted over a little so he could sit next to me.

“Here, take this.”

I downed the tablet, and the water. Wonsik watched me intently, taking the glass when it was empty.

“Now, talk to me. You left him?”

“No. He left me. That’s obvious now.”

“Noona…” His tone was reproachful.

“Don’t even start Wonsik. You’ve been trying to make me see it from the beginning. I don’t know what happened but he doesn’t give a shit about me anymore.”

He wrapped his arm around me, pulling me to his chest.

“Yah… He found you tonight, right? He cares, in his way.”

“How long have you guys been back? Almost a week?”

“Yes.”

“This was the first time I’ve seen him. The first contact I’ve had since November.”

“November? Jeez. I thought it had been, like, a month, maximum.”

I tugged the blanket up to my chin.

“Noona… You’re serious?”

I nodded, his shirt rustling under my ear.

“Remember the time he hit you? When you told him he should message me instead of Hakyeon?”

“He hasn’t messaged you since then?!” His arms tightened around me.

I stayed silent, remembering that message.

“I’m good. Busy.”

“What?”

“That’s what his message said.”

“Jesus…”

We sat in silence. My brain was swirling through the theatrics of the night.

“What a waste of a night.”

“Hmm?” Wonsik sounded tired.

“I spent hours getting ready tonight. I accepted that we were over. I was scrubbed, shaved, plucked, lined… Everything. I did everything to get ready tonight, but here I am.”

“I’m not that bad.”

“Yeah, but it’s not like I’m going fuck you. I can’t fuck someone I know. That’s not how rebounds work.”

I felt his body tense up under me. His voice was alert when he spoke again.

“You were… What? With a stranger?”

“Sure. That’s how it goes. You break up, you feel like you’re worthless. So you spend a huge amount of time getting as attractive as possible. Then you go out with your friends. When you’re out, you find someone who’s obviously in a lower league than you. They realise that you’re too good for them, so they try even harder to impress you. Then you fuck them.”

“That’s… That doesn’t sound like fun.”

“It isn’t about fun. It’s about power. It’s about reminding yourself that you’re worth the effort.”

“Of course you’re worth the effort. You don’t have to do that sort of thing. You’re always worth the effort.”

“Yeah, right. I’m worth so much effort. That’s why he didn’t contact me for months on end. Because I’m worth the effort. Of course.”

“Taekwoon is… You know he’s different.”

“Right. He’s so different that the furthest he and I have gotten was tonight.”

“What’s that mean?”

“When he showed up. He’s never kissed me like that before. He’s never held me that tightly before.” I sighed heavily, shaking my head against Wonsik slightly.

“Not even when he… I mean… You know?”

“Sex? We’ve never had sex. The closest we got was… Well, in a way, you and him have gotten just as far with me now. He was in my bed once, but nothing happened. We even stayed fully dressed.”

“Aigo… I can’t even imagine.”

“Sure you can. Look at us right now.”

“Yeah, but I’m not dating you. And you’re drunk.”

“So? I’m a grown ass adult.”

“Noona, it wouldn’t be okay for me to…”

“Ugh. I can make my own decisions. I’m not blacked out. I’m going to remember everything. I might regret it, but that’s my problem.”

He shifted under me.

“Are you saying… Aish! You’re teasing me, aren’t you?”

“What? No. I just hate the idea that as soon as someone has a drink that they lose all responsibility for their choices.”

“Okay, but it still wouldn’t be okay.”

“Why not? I was going to fuck the guy from the club.”

“You said five minutes ago that you can’t rebound with someone you know.”

“Well, duh.”

“Duh? Duh? Then why are you acting like you want me to… You’re not making sense.”

I sat up straight. I knew I wasn’t making sense. Nothing was making sense. My life wasn’t making sense. I rubbed my hands over my face.

“Yah… I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like… I’m not angry at you.” Wonsik shifted on the bed, pulling me to lean back against him. His legs were spread behind me, opening him up for maximum comfort.

“I just… You keep saying things like that you’re nothing, or that you’re not worth anything. I want to help you. I want to make you feel better.”

He wrapped his arms around me, resting his chin on my shoulder. His sweatshirt had shifted slightly, offering a slice of my skin up. One of his hands brushed against it as he adjusted to get comfortable. I pulled off the sweatshirt. The combined heat of his body, the blanket, and the hoody were making me start to sweat. I closed my eyes, settling back against his warmth.

“But it’s hard for me. I want to be a good friend, but I also want to… I mean…” He cleared his throat.

“Mm?”

“I want to touch you.”

“You are touching me.”

“I mean…” He lifted an arm, pulling my hair back and away from where his head rested against me. “I want to kiss you.” His hand kept running through my hair. It felt nice.

“Mm.” I tilted into the motion of his hands, not quite listening to him any more. The feeling of his fingertips on my scalp was just too relaxing.

“Right,” he tapped a finger against my neck, “here.”

“Hmm.”

“And right,” a finger tap where my jaw met my neck, “here.”

I moved against him, whining in the back of my throat.

“What’s wrong?”

“My hair. Do my hair again.”

I felt him laugh under me. His hand started smoothing through my hair again. He scratched at my scalp slightly.

“Mmmmmm…"  My eyes started closing again.

"God damn it.”

“Hm?”

“Nothing. Are you going to fall asleep on me?”

“Mm.”

“Good. I want you to.”

“Hm?”

“Should I keep talking?”

I nodded.

“What about?”

I shrugged.

“You remember when we first met?”

“Mm-hm.”

“I was disappointed when you said you had a boyfriend. But I was tipsy too. I thought that maybe you were just trying to brush me off politely.”

“I know.”

“I was actually angry when Leo-hyung showed up. I couldn’t believe he had gotten someone like you.”

“Like me?”

“He’s so shy. How could he get a girl as pretty as you?”

“That doesn’t make sense,” I shook my head against him.

“Pretty girls get approached all the time. You could have anyone, but somehow Leo was the one who got your attention.”

“He’s nice.”

“Nice enough to ignore you.”

“Mm.”

“But that’s not the point.” I appreciated him changing the subject. “The point is that I was jealous. I was so jealous.”

“Hm.”

“Every time I saw you after that, he had his hand on you. He was making sure everyone knew you were with him. I wanted to be the one touching you like that.”

“Mm.”

He pulled me up against him tighter. Once I was in a place to his satisfaction, he started playing with my hair again. I ended up with my head lolling back against his shoulder. His words sent puffs of air over my neck.

“And now you’re here. You’re in my bed. My hands are the ones on you.”

“Mm-hm.”

“And I just want to be a good person. I want to just support you, take care of you.”

“Mm.”

“And I’m holding you here…” His thumb at my waist slid over my skin. I hadn’t noticed that his position adjustment had in turn lifted my shirt a bit more. “I’m trying so hard to hold back. I just want to…”

He trailed off into a sigh.

“Hm?”

“I told you already.”

“Hmmmm?” I wiggled my head back a forth a little.

“Don’t get cute. I can’t stand when you’re cute.”

“Why?”

“You’re just… It’s too much when you get cute. It’s a hundred times harder for me.”

I laughed at him. I lifted my hands in front of me, opening my eyes.

“One plus one is gwi-yo-mi, two plus two is gwi-yo…”

“Stop it!” He whined as he pulled my hands down to my lap to stop me. “You’re so mean. Don’t tease me.”

“Three plus three i…”

He clapped a hand over my mouth. I laughed into it. I felt his breath on my neck again.

“Why do you do this to me?”

“Mm?”

“Everything you do is like a test.”

“Hm-mm.”

“Maybe not on purpose. But it feels like it. It’s like you want me to lose it and just…”

Silence. He slowly dropped his hand from my mouth, returning to my hair again. He left the other hand on mine, resting slightly between my thighs.

“Do you?”

“Hm?”

“Do you want me to?”

“Hmm?”

His lips pressed against my neck. My eyes shot open.

“What…”

Wonsik’s teeth pulled at the skin.

“Fuck…” I couldn’t breath right for some reason. “Wonsik…”

“Hmm?” He kept his lips against my skin. His hand traced down through my hair, wrapping around my waist.

“We can’t.”

“Mm-hm.”

“If Taekw…” Wonsik finally pulled up.

“He left you.” His words slid over my ear, diving in quietly.

“But…”

“Noona… Please… Just let me taste…”

His lips were on my ear then, his teeth tugging gently. He trailed down and forward, lifting a hand to pull my face closer towards him. He stopped short. His thumb slid over my bottom lip. I was staring at his eyes, he was staring at my mouth.

“Wonsik…”

“God… It always sounds so pretty when you say it.”

“Ravi…”

“Fuck.”

He pressed forward. His hands frantically trying to pull my body to face him. Chartreuse jumped off the bed and out of the room, sleep disturbed by the sudden movements. Wonsik moved his legs, pulling me to straddle his waist as his lips ran against my neck, chin, cheeks, desperate to find mine.

“Noona… Fuck… Noona please…”

“We shouldn’t… Wonsik-ah…”

He pulled my lips to his, his hand threaded through my hair again. His hips bucked up slightly as he did.

"Ravi… Call me Ravi…” He spoke into my collar bones.

“Ravi, what about VIXX?”

“What about it?”

“What if Taekwoon finds out?”

“Fuck Leo. He lost you.”

“But… Fuck Ravi…”

He was hiking my skirt up, running his hand up between my thighs. He stopped, looking up at me.

“Do you want me to stop?”

I bit my lip, not sure what I wanted.

“If you want me to stop just say ‘Wonsik, stop’ okay? I’ll stop right away.”

I nodded at him.

“You’re sure?”

“Yes.”

He looked like his birthday had come early. His lips flew back to my skin, his hand kept rising between my legs. He leaned forward, awkwardly pulling his legs back so that he could press me back, into the mattress.

* * *

“Wonsik, stop.”

* * *

“Why are you here? You don’t work today.”

“Well…”

“Did you leave with that guy last night?”

I fiddled with the strings on the sweatshirt Wonsik had insisted I take this morning.

_“It’s too chilly out, plus, you’re still in your dancing clothes.”_

_“So what?”_

_“Just… You should cover up. People will stare if you don’t.”_

_“And?”_

_“I don’t want them to stare at you.”_

I had showered and changed after he dropped me off at home, but the sweatshirt was comfortable.

“You totally did! How was it?”

“Jungsu… I think I made a mistake.”

“Wasn’t that the whole point last night?”

“Yeah, but… We can’t talk about this out here.”

Jungsu lifted his eyebrow, practically salivating over the incoming gossip. He quickly grabbed my wrist and pulled me behind the counter.

“Areum! Watch the counter!”

“Okay! I want details later!”

Jungsu pulled me past the staff room, past the cooler, and down into the dry storage. He plopped down onto a stack of bags full of coffee beans.

“Well?”

“Taek showed up last night. He saw the picture that Gayoung posted.”

“Oh… Is that a good thing?”

I settled onto the bottom step, rubbing my face in my hands.

“No. He didn’t even… He was jealous over the picture. He had no idea what was wrong. He acted like I was being irrational.”

“Well…”

“You know what I mean.”

“Did he explain himself?”

“No. He just begged me to stay with him. He didn’t even try to make up an excuse or anything. He just kept saying that I couldn’t leave him.”

Jungsu clicked his teeth and let out a low whistle.

“So what happened? Are you guys done?”

“I… I think so. I hope so.”

“Really? I thought you and him were… I don’t know… Silent lovers, weathering everything.”

“Yeah, well, that was before he stopped talking to me.”

“He doesn’t really talk an…”

“And before I went home with Ravi.”

There was a solid minute of silence. I could hear the beans shifting slightly under Jungsu’s weight.

“You… Ravi?  **Ravi**  Ravi? Kim Wonsik? You hate Ravi.”

“I don’t hate him. I just… He’s annoying sometimes.”

“Does he at least have a pretty dick?”

“Oh my god.” I tugged at my hair, frustrated, “I don’t know.”

“How can you not know? You went home with him!”

“Yeah, but we didn’t… I mean he… We didn’t get that far.”

“Oh. So it’s no big deal then.”

“No big deal?! I have marks from my boyfriend’s bandmate!”

“Ex-boyfriend.”

“That doesn’t make it okay!”

“Sure it does. I can’t believe you’re freaking out about this.”

* * *

> **From: Americano With Salt  
>  You aren’t home.**
> 
> **From: Americano With Salt  
>  Where are you?**
> 
> **From: Americano With Salt  
>  We have to talk.**
> 
> **From: Americano With Salt  
>  I have to talk.**
> 
> **From: Americano With Salt  
>  Are you at the cafe?**
> 
> _**To: Americano With Salt  
>  No. We can’t talk yet.** _
> 
> **From: Americano With Salt  
>  Why not? I need to.**
> 
> **From: Americano With Salt  
>  I need to explain.**
> 
> **From: Americano With Salt  
>  I need you to listen.**
> 
> _**To: Americano With Salt  
>  Why? You didn’t bother trying to explain last night.** _
> 
> _**To: Americano With Salt  
>  You didn’t come see me when you got back. Wonsik came to check on me before you did.** _
> 
> _**To: Americano With Salt  
>  What’s to explain about that?** _
> 
> **From: Americano With Salt  
>  I messed up.**
> 
> **From: Americano With Salt  
>  I know I messed up.**
> 
> **From: Americano With Salt  
>  But I can’t be without you.**
> 
> **From: Americano With Salt  
>  You can’t leave me.**


	4. Americano With Salt: 4

“Believe in me.”

I stared at him over the table. His head was down and he was watching me through his bangs. I felt super self-conscious, wishing he hadn’t come in on a day I was wearing one of Wonsik’s hoodies. He hadn’t seemed to notice though.

“How am I supposed to believe that?”

“Because it’s true. You know it is.”

“It’s stupid.”

“Yes,” he nodded slowly.

“You should have just told me.”

“I didn’t want you to get angry.”

“So you thought not talking to me was a better option? Do you know what that did to me?”

“Yeobo, I’m sorry.”

“You just stopped. I had no idea what was going on. I thought you had just gotten bored. I thought you got tired of me.”

He leaned forward, tugging my hand out of the sleeve of the sweatshirt.

“No, yah, no. Never. I just didn’t know what to do.”

“It’s called texting.” I pulled back, out of his grip. “You should have gotten your phone out and typed a message that said ‘Yeobo, I lost my bracelet by accident.’ and sent it to me.”

“But I thought…”

“You thought I’d be mad? Well, maybe. But not for long.”

“So it’s fine?”

“Yes.”

“So we are fine?”

“No!”

He leaned back in his chair. He looked like he was ready to burn the cafe down or something.

“Why not?”

“Because it’s not about the bracelet. It’s about me spending almost five months without a single contact from you.”

“You didn’t message me either!”

“That’s not true. You know that’s not true. You stopped replying so I cut back. I didn’t…”

I saw Wonsik come through the door of the cafe. He smiled and started towards me, but Jungsu nearly vaulted a table to intercept him. I ran my hands over my face.

“I know. I don’t know why I said that.”

“Because it sucks to have to take responsibility,” I mumbled from behind my hands.

“I want this to work.”

“Taek…”

He pulled one of my hands off of my face. He nuzzled his own face into my palm.

“I like you. A lot.”

“That’s not…”

“I love you.”

_Oh fuck you dude._

“Don’t,” I pulled back from him and stood up. He just looked up at me.

“You don’t get to just say that now.”

“But I…”

“That doesn’t fix this!” I blushed slightly, noticing the attention I had drawn to us.

“Yeobo.”

I stared down at him.

“I know. I know that doesn’t fix anything.”

He stood up, circling around the table. His arms wrapped around me, pulling me tightly against his body.

“I know I have a lot of work to do. I’ll do it. Anything.”

He let his grip slacken, stepping back. He reached up and brushed my hair back. I couldn’t make myself say anything.

“I’m leaving. But I’ll be back. I love you, jagi.”

* * *

“What was he doing here?”

My back was pressed against a wooden beam in the dry storage basement. There were teeth tugging at my skin, hands slipping under my shirt.

“Ravi…”

He pressed his lips against mine, sliding his hands down to grip the backs of my thighs. Flexing his thighs and tugging upwards, he pulled me to be supported solely between the wood and his hips.

“What did he want? What did he say?”

“He wants me to… What are you doing?”

Wonsik tugged my,  _no, his_ sweatshirt up over my head.

“Tell me.”

“He wants me to forgive him.”

“You’re not going to, right?” The fingers of one of his hands were working on the button of my jeans now.

“I don’t know.”

He froze.

“He says he loves me. That he’s going to do whatever it takes.”

“No. No no no no.” Wonsik’s hands were tight on my sides now. He was pressing his lips hard into my skin, lifting them only to speak.

“He’s lying. He has to be lying.”

“Why?”

“Because…” His shirt was tugged up and off. I glimpsed the marks on his chest, the ones I had put there. The ones from that weekend looked slightly yellow, the ones from two days ago were still bright purple and sore looking.

“If he loved you, he would have kept you.”

* * *

“You know, as a manager, you probably shouldn’t be fucking in the storage room.” Jungsu was wiping down a tray’s worth of freshly washed mugs.

“And as an employee that I’m in charge of, you should probably hush.” I snapped a dish towel at him, “but as a friend, I still haven’t fucked him. No matter where we might be.”

“Jesus Christ! Seriously?!”

I shrugged.

“I’m straight as hell, but even I’m wondering how you’re holding off! You must need glasses or something. How have you not let that man show you the meaning of lust?”

“Guilt, probably.”

“Oh stop,” he hefted the tray of freshly dried mugs, “you didn’t do anything wrong.”

“But…”

“No. But nothing. We talked about this. He acted like you didn’t exist for four months straight.” He headed towards the kitchen. “That’s a breakup.” His voice flowed through the kitchen door to me as he put the tray away. “It might not have been a good breakup, but it was a breakup,” he walked back out to the serving area. “Or emotional abuse, but he doesn’t really seem the type.”

“He isn’t. Not on purpose anyway. I completely believe him, about the bracelet, but… I don’t know.”

“Yeah,” Jungsu hopped up onto the counter. “But you can’t really be held responsible for anything that has happened.”

“I still feel bad though.”

* * *

“Who is that?” Taekwoon asked. We were slowly getting back to our Sunday schedule. He nodded towards the door to my building. My stomach twisted slightly, looking at the hooded figure leaning in the darkness.

“Probably my neighbour. He forgets his keys sometimes.” I felt bad about how easily the lie came. Taekwoon looked at the figure again, his face dark.

“Do you want me to walk you up?”

“No, no, it’s fine.”

Taekwoon eyed the figure, pulling me into a hug. After another glance at the figure, he pulled my chin up. He kissed me softly, before letting me go.

“Go in safely. I love you.”

I nodded once before darting up the stairs.

* * *

“Where were you?” Wonsik now leaned against the door to my apartment. His hands were deep in his pockets, but I could tell they were clenched just as tightly as his jaw.

“Taekwoon wanted…”

“I could see what Taekwoon wanted.”

“Why are you here?” I dug my keys out of my purse.

“So did you like it?” I could feel the heat of him hovering behind me as I pushed my door open. He was bouncing on the balls of his feet slightly.

“What?”

The door swung open. Wonsik headed straight for my living room, barely pausing to take his shoes off. He was pacing when I entered the room.

“Why did you agree to go with him? Does he kiss better than me?” He stopped wearing a circle in my carpet for a second, “don’t answer that.”

I sat down heavily on the sofa, watching him return to pacing.

“Wonsik, you know this isn’t easy for me. Especially not tonight.”

He flopped down next to me. He leaned back, pinching at his forehead.

“Why? What’s so special about tonight?”

“It is… Was… It’s our anniversary. Taekwoon and I. Today was going to be a year for us.”

Wonsik threaded his arm behind my back, pulling me to be straddling him.

“You weren’t even together for a year yet…”

He pulled my hands up to his lips, kissing them before placing them in a gripping position around his neck.

“Every time you’re out with him I feel like dying might be better than wanting you.”

I recoiled, pulling my hands back from him.

“Don’t. That’s a shitty thing to say and you know it.”

“It’s true. I hate it. You can’t just forgive him.”

“He was scared.”

He picked up my hands again, this time just placing one on his shoulder. He held the other against his lips, his eyes down.

“I’m scared.”

I sighed, resisting the urge to roll my eyes.

“Why are you here Wonsik?”

“I missed you. I needed to see you.” He pressed his lips against my throat, “I needed to taste you.” He tilted his hips, pulling me down against him. He groaned against my neck, his teeth finding purchase.

“Ravi, I…”

“I know,” he whispered against my skin. “I need to feel you.”

He peeled my shirt off, quickly following it with his own. Standing, holding me to his body, carrying me to my bedroom, landing on my bed, pulling me down with him… His hands started moving like lightning. Clawing, tugging, pulling clothes off. He was different these days. I was changed by his difference. My own hands worked nearly as quickly as his, but not nearly as desperately.

He paused.

He always paused.

“Okay?”

I nodded quickly.

* * *

> **From: Hongbin  
>  I know I promised I’d stay out of it, but you have to take Leo-hyung back.**
> 
> **From: Hongbin  
>  He’s nearly a skeleton.**
> 
> _**To: Hongbin  
>  I think I would have noticed that.** _
> 
> **From: Hongbin  
>  He wears at least two sweaters whenever he sees you.**
> 
> _**To: Hongbin  
>  Seriously?** _
> 
> **From: Hongbin  
>  He doesn’t want you to know. He’ll probably kill me if he finds out I told you.**
> 
> **From: Hongbin  
>  Please noona.**
> 
> **From: Hongbin  
>  He’s not doing well.**
> 
> **From: Hongbin  
>  He needs you.**

I stared at my phone. Evidently, I wasn’t the only one dropping weight from stress.

* * *

“What should we do?” His soft voice came through the speaker on my phone.

“Let’s get something to eat. What do you want?”

“Anything is fine.”

“Alright. How about jjajangmyeon?”

“Yes. With vegetables.”

“I know. I’ll order some. When do you think you’ll get here?”

“Forty minutes.”

“Alright. I’ll see you in forty minutes then.”

I put my phone down on my bedside table. The sheets shifted next to me.

“Who are you seeing in forty minutes?”

“Taekwoon. You can’t keep coming over like this.”

Wonsik wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me tightly against his bare body. The smell of his body wash and cologne flooded my senses.

“You’re right. You should come to me sometimes.”

The afternoon sun shone on his exposed skin. Stripes of light illuminating his tattoos. I shut my eyes, resisting the urge to start tracing my tongue over them.

“Wonsik.”

“What?” He nuzzled his head into my neck.

“You have to leave.”

“Not for half an hour at least,” I felt his teeth dig into my shoulder. “That’s plenty of time.”

“That’s just the jealousy talking.”

“So what?” He shifted, rolling on top of me, shifting his weight to rub himself between my legs. _Again_. He watched my face closely.

“Ravi…”

He slowly lowered his weight, applying pressure where he knew it counted. He whispered into my hair, “you know I’ll make it worth it.”

* * *

Wonsik was gone. I had fifteen minutes to shower and get dressed.

I stood wearing a t shirt, a towel still wrapped around my waist, when the door buzzed. I looked at the screen, seeing Taekwoon’s semi-permanent scowl glance at the security camera. I buzzed him into the building.

I had just gotten a skirt on when I heard him knock on the door.

“Hey. How are you? What’s that?”

He had a box in his hand. He held it out to me silently.

“What’s…”

“I know it’s late… For our anniversary.”

I stared at him for a second.

“Uh… Hm… Well… Come in.”

I shut the door behind him as he took his shoes off. An anniversary present. An anniversary that we hadn’t had. It felt like a trick. A bad joke.

“You didn’t have to…”

“I wanted to.”

“But we… Well… We aren’t…”

“I know,” I felt his arms sneak around my body from behind. “I wanted to. For you. Open it.”

I opened up the little box. There was a bracelet in it. Simple round beads strung on elastic. Blue beads with faintly copper coloured flecks this time.

“Turquoise. It’s supposed to bring you love and happiness. Look.”

He held his arm up in front of me. There was a blue and copper flecked bracelet on his wrist.

“Taekwoon…”

“I know it doesn’t fix it,” he returned his arm to it’s position of holding me to him.

“I like it.”

“You like it?”

“Yes.”

He pressed a kiss to my cheek. I blushed, leaning into him.

* * *

> **From: Hongbin  
>  I don’t know what you did, but he actually ate with us today.**
> 
> **From: Hongbin  
>  He said he had a good luck charm.**
> 
> _**To: Hongbin  
>  Good.** _
> 
> **From: Hongbin  
>  What happened?**
> 
> _**To: Hongbin  
>  I accepted a gift.** _

* * *

“I don’t like it. It’s not the right colour for you at all.”

I rolled my eyes, concentrating on pouring a fern pattern into a latte. Wonsik was sitting at the counter. Two empty cups sat in front of him, and he held a third that was halfway there.

“It’s too gaudy.”

“Shush Wonsik.”

“How long before he loses this one, do you think?”

“Dude,” Jungsu cleared away Wonsik’s empty cups, “why don’t you buy her a gift if you think that one’s so terrible.”

“Don’t give him ideas. And don’t sass the customers.”

“Does he really count as a customer? He only comes here to mentally undress you. He’s a stalker.”

“Don’t sass me either.”

* * *

A continuous buzzing. I looked at the clock on my bedside table. 9:56 am.  _Ugh. It’s my day off. This is too early._

I shuffled to my door, barely noticing the person on the security screen as I buzzed them in.

The coffee maker grumbled to life as I waited for the knocking. I had two cups out, and a salt shaker.

Poor planning on my part. It was Wonsik.

“What do you want? Do you know how early it is?”

“I found you the perfect thing. Hold your hand out.”

I blearily looked up at him, holding one hand out. He looked like he hadn’t slept.

“How long have…”

“27 hours.”

He dropped something into my palm. It was a silver ring. Wide band, unadorned.

“This is why you’re waking me up on my day off?”

“I spent all night looking at jewellery. You could pretend to appreciate it.”

“Fine. Fine. Come in and have coffee.”

* * *

“Where’s that ring from?”

“Hmm?” I looked up from my book at Taekwoon.

“The ring.”

“Oh. Wonsik gave it to me. Said he thought it would suit me.”

Taekwoon nodded slowly. He huffed into his cup labeled with “Ananse”.

“What’s wrong?”

“Wonsik.”

“Because of the ring? I don’t think he…”

“He has one to match it.”

I closed my book.

“Oh. I didn’t… Should I give it back? Maybe he meant it as a friendship thing?”

“Do what you want.”

I could sense Taekwoon beginning to shut me out.

“Well, I like it, but if he’s going to think that it means…”

Taekwoon unexpectedly leaned over the counter and kissed my forehead.

“Yah… I’m at work.” I blushed and ducked into the kitchen.

* * *

“Leo-hyung, what are you doing here?”

I tried not to flinch when I heard Wonsik greet Taekwoon at the counter. I glanced up.  _Alright. Fine. This is fine. I can do this._

“I like the staff.”

Wonsik sat down next to Taekwoon.  _Of course he did._

“I can see why. The waitress is pretty cute, right?”

_Thin ice._ Time to intervene.

“What can I get you Wonsik?”

He smiled up at me, slightly running his tongue over his bottom lip.  _Fuck this kid._

“Just my usual.”

_F u c k this kid._

“Jungsu’s not here, so you’ll have to remind me what that is.”

“Cafe au lait.”

“Right. How could I forget?”

They sat in silence as I prepared the coffee.

As I placed Wonsik’s drink in front of him he reached out to grab my wrist.

“What are you doing after work?”

I had never seen Taekwoon move so fast. My eyes barely processed the action. I just heard the skidding of chair legs, the sharp clack of wood against tile, and saw Taekwoon staring at Wonsik as he got to his feet.

“What’s your problem?!”

“Leave.”

“What? Why?!”

Taekwoon’s jaw tightened, but he didn’t answer Wonsik.

“Taek…” I circled around from behind the counter. When I reached Taekwoon I started pulling him towards the back.

“Yeobo.”

“Hmm?”

“I don’t think you two should be friends.”

I heard Wonsik burst out laughing.  _Oh my god. Please don’t…_

“You don’t think we should be friends?  _You_  don’t think  _we_  should be friends?!”

Wonsik picked up the fallen chair, setting it in place.

“You’re the one that made it so easy.”

Taekwoon resisted my hands on him, turning back towards Wonsik.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“I know everything Leo!” Wonsik snapped, approaching Taekwoon and I.

“I’m the one she turned to when you dropped her.” My hand around Taekwoon could feel the heat of Wonsik facing him.

“I’m the one that always came to her. I,” Wonsik placed his hand on his own chest, “am the one she called when you,” a finger pushing at Taekwoon, “decided to finally show up and start a fight  _an entire week_  after we got back.”

“Yeobo,” Taekwoon put his hand over mine, squeezing it.

“Yeah?”

“Please let me go.”

“Are you going to…” he turned his head to look at me, his eyes softening slightly. I let go of his body, “fine.”

He didn’t immediately do anything, just straightening out his clothes a little bit. He didn’t even look up at Wonsik.

“Leave Ravi.”

“You don’t get to tell me what to do.”

Taekwoon grabbed the collar of Wonsik’s shirt, pulling him towards the door of the cafe. He pushed him the last three feet, Wonsik’s shoulder colliding loudly with the door.

Wonsik looked to me, “you’re just going to let him kick me out?”

I held my hands up, palms out. I wanted as little of a part in this as possible.

“Just for now. I can’t choose her friends,” Taekwoon took a step forward, “but if I ever see you touch her again, I’ll remove your hands myself.”

Wonsik stared at his bandmate. Taekwoon opened the door, jerking his head to usher Wonsik out.

_“Believe in me.”_


	5. Americano With Salt: 5

> **From: Wonsik  
>  I can’t believe you let him throw me out like that.**
> 
> **From: Wonsik  
>  What am I talking about? Yes I can.**

I could see the bubble indicating he was typing. I sighed, turning my phone off. I knew Wonsik would have a lot to say. Trying to respond was pointless. Might as well let him vent into my inbox.

Taekwoon, on the other hand, acted as though nothing had happened. He sat at the counter, sipping his coffee, watching me work, watching me read, silently shooting me smiles when I looked up at him.

When Jungsu arrived, he knew something had happened.

“Why’s the menu on the door torn?”

I glanced at Taekwoon, “uh… no reas…”

“I had to make a point.”

“What sort of point?” I didn’t miss that Jungsu casually positioned himself between Taekwoon and I, even though the counter was already separating us.

Taekwoon didn’t miss it either.

“I wouldn’t.”

“Then what happened?”

“Ravi.”

Jungsu’s eyes widened, “he was… What happened?”

“I made a point.”

“Wonsik asked me if I was free after work,” I busied myself wiping down the espresso maker. “No big deal.”

“He put his hands on you. He can’t… No one can grab you like that.”

“You make it sound so dramatic. He was just trying to get my attention. You do the same thing.”

“I’m your boyfriend!” He wasn’t shouting. Not by a long shot. His voice was barely above a normal person’s volume, but from him it felt like a scream.

“We aren’t…”

“I know. I… I’m yours though. And he…” He shook his head, falling silent.

“Ooookay… I’m going to go… find… something…” Jungsu disappeared down the cellar stairs.

“Taek…”

“I know,” he laid his hands on the table, palms up. He made grabbing motions with them. I couldn’t help but smile.  _Cute_. I put my hands in his. He pulled me as close as the counter allowed, “I messed up being your boyfriend. We have good days though,” he sighed. “You wear the bracelets. I see them and… You’re my yeobo.”

He stared at our hands in silence for a moment.

“You know…”

“Even though you don’t belong to me, I still belong to you. I can’t change that." He lifted my hand, pressing his cheek against my palm, rubbing against it like a cat. His eyes were closed, his voice quiet, when he spoke again, "I want to be the only one that touches you. The only one you touch.”

He kissed my palm and relinquished my hands. Sipping his coffee, he watched me get back to work.

* * *

> **From: Wonsik  
>  I can’t believe you let him throw me out like that.**
> 
> **From: Wonsik  
>  What am I talking about? Yes I can.**
> 
> **From: Wonsik  
>  God forbid precious Taekwoonie ever has to face up to what he put you through, right?**
> 
> **From: Wonsik  
>  You’re forgetting that I know him better than you.**
> 
> **From: Wonsik  
>  I’ve watched him in relationships before.**
> 
> **From: Wonsik  
>  I’ve seen him ruin each one.**
> 
> **From: Wonsik  
>  I don’t want him to ruin you too.**
> 
> **From: Wonsik  
>  I won’t let him ruin you.**
> 
> **From: Wonsik  
>  Fun fact: it doesn’t get any better with him.**
> 
> **From: Wonsik  
>  It doesn’t get easier. It definitely doesn’t get healthier.**
> 
> **From: Wonsik  
>  He’ll never open up. He’ll never get better. He’ll never actually change.**
> 
> **From: Wonsik  
>  You are incredible, and kind, and worth more than all the effort in the world, but it’s not enough to make him change.**
> 
> **From: Wonsik  
>  It’s just a matter of time before you’re calling me from a bus stop again because he fucked up.**

I read through the messages for the third time. The TV flickered, casting a glow that brought out the, thankfully now decreasing, hollowness in Taekwoon’s cheeks. His eyes were closed, the blanket rising and falling slowly and consistently. I realised that this was the first time that I had seen him asleep. I turned my attention back to the phone’s screen.

> _**To: Wonsik  
>  What are you expecting me to say?** _
> 
> _**To: Wonsik  
>  What’s your best case scenario for my response to those messages?** _

My phone started ringing. I quickly silenced it, trying not to wake Taekwoon.

> _**To: Wonsik  
>  Just text.** _
> 
> **From: Wonsik  
>  He’s still there.**
> 
> **From: Wonsik  
>  I don’t know what I’m expecting.**

The blanket shifted. An arm stretched, landing against me when it was done. The hand patted at me, trying to get its bearings.

“Yeobo?”

“Mm.”

He sat up. After stretching his neck out he turned to face me, kneeling on the sofa next to me. His eyes were nearly shut, sleep not having quite left them yet. His hair stuck up at odd angles, and there was a pattern on his face from my jeans.

“I thought I lost you,” he mumbled groggily.

“It’s my apartment, silly.”

He crawled forward a bit, nuzzling into my hair, pushing me back onto the sofa. He laid his weight on top of me. What a cutie.

“I know. I had a dream that you left. I’m happy you’re here though.”

My phone chimed. I wriggled my hand out from under Taekwoon’s cuddling form and looked at the screen.

> **From: Wonsik  
>  I knew you wouldn’t like them.**
> 
> **From: Wonsik  
>  I just feel like I have to say it. Leo should have a warning label.**

“Who’s that?”

“Wonsik,” I put my phone into silent mode.

> _**To: Wonsik  
>  We can talk later.** _

“What does he want?” He rubbed his face against my hair, nestling himself further into my neck. Stretching my arm out, I barely managed to put my phone on the coffee table.

“He’s all worked up. Says you should have a warning label.”

Silence from the cat in my neck.

“I don’t know why he’s so invested.”

A slight shift of weight, Taekwoon leaning up on his arms and legs. He looked down at me for a second.

“Because it’s you.”

He dipped his head towards me, stopping within centimetres of my lips.

“Can I?”

I lifted my head to meet his.

* * *

I felt around on the bed next to me. _Nothing. Damn it._  I rolled onto my back groaning.

“Yeobo?”

I smiled without opening my eyes.  _He’s still here._

“Mm.”

“The coffee maker.”

I pouted.

“I guess it can wait.”

Weight on the bed next to me, shifting over and next to me. Blankets lifting and falling. A new heat source. Arms sliding under my pillow and around my waist.

“Yeobo,” whispered against the back of my neck.

“Hm?”

“I love you.”

* * *

“So?”

“So what?”

Jungsu dramatically rolled not only his eyes, but his entire head.

“So Taekwoon! So you! So what happened? Why did he drop you off this morning?”

“He wanted to.”

“Did he spend the night?”

“Maybe.”

Jungsu threw his hands up, walking away.

“You just have to be difficult, don’t you?”

“Let’s talk about Gayoung. How are things going?”

“Oh, would you look at that? I have to go check to make sure we have enough milk.”

“Hypocrite!”

* * *

> **From: Wonsik  
>  Is he there? Can I come talk to you?**
> 
> _**To: Wonsik  
>  You can come.** _

* * *

We both just stared at the coffee Jungsu had placed in front of him. I certainly wasn’t going to start, and he seemed just as reluctant.

“When can you take a break?”

“Wons…”

“I just don’t want to do this in front of people.”

“She’s just going to tell me about it later you know,” Jungsu pointed out.

“Yeah,” Wonsik picked up the coffee. “I know.”

“Jung…”

“Go. It’s dead right now anyway.”

* * *

“You can’t seriously be asking me this.”

“Why not? We’ve been…”

“First,” I quickly interrupted. “Taek and I are… We’re doing well.”

“But you literally just said…”

“Second! You and I… We aren’t… It was never like that.”

“How can you say that?!” He looked like he wanted to break something.

“Third! Even if we were… Even if I wanted… Look, you guys work together. You have to think about VIXX.”

Everything he had been holding back seemed to crash through. I was surprised he had even lasted this long. He pushed me against the cement wall, following behind, making sure to cushion the contact between my head and the wall with his hand.

His lips were on mine, trying to coax me out of my decision. He mumbled against my mouth, trying not to lose the contact.

“Kiss me back… I know you want to kiss me back… Noona…”

I pushed against his chest. He was right. Of course I wanted to kiss him back. How could I not? But I wanted Taekwoon more.

He relented, pulling back only as far as necessary. Forehead to forehead, his body still trapping me against the wall.

“You really don’t… You’re really going to let him hurt you again?”

“I don’t want to be the Yoko Ono of VIXX.”

“I don’t care. I’ll go solo. I’ll give it up if I have to.”

“It’s not just you and Taekwoon. Hakyeon? Hongbin? Sanghyuk and Jaehwan? You’d ruin their careers too?”

“Stop it!” I flinched as his fist hit the wall next to me. His eyes widened, his hands immediately going to my cheeks.

“Noona… No, no, I’m sorry… I wouldn’t… I would never…”

His kiss was softer this time. Less possessive, more comforting.

I fought the good fight. That’s what I told myself as I let myself relax into his hands. I tried to resist, letting his lips trail down my neck. I was going to stop him, but then his hands slid under the back of my shirt.

There came a point, somewhere between him pulling my apron off and trying to unbutton my shirt, where I was able to break through the surface.

“Wonsik, stop.”

* * *

I hadn’t heard from Wonsik in over three months. Not since I had stopped him in the cellar. Taekwoon came in almost every day. He spent most Saturday nights in my bed, and every Sunday was just for us. Hongbin and Sanghyuk became regulars at the shop. They weren’t as discrete as Taekwoon and Wonsik had been though. We hardly got any slow days anymore. Jaehwan and Hakyeon would stop by maybe once a week.

“I wonder why Ravi is never seen here.”

“Maybe he doesn’t like coffee.”

“He likes cafe au lait,” I said, interrupting the two schoolgirls in front of the register. They huddled in closer to me.

“So he does come sometimes?”

“What days?”

“What times?”

“When was he here last?”

I groaned internally. Why had I mentioned it?

“I think he found a different place. He likes his privacy.” Jungsu to the rescue, handing the girls their takeaway cups.

“Oh… I guess that makes sense.”

“Look! Leo-oppa is here!”

“Don’t stare, be cool.”

They shuffled away from the counter a short way, letting Taekwoon approach the counter. Taekwoon handed me his cash and accepted his change in silence.

“Regular?”

He nodded.

“Takeaway?”

He shook his head.

“I’ll bring it out.”

He took his normal seat. The table that was always left open, since by now everyone knew that it was his. He could watch me from there. He said he liked it because watching was all he could do now that the fans had found the place.

I brought his coffee out to him. He raised a hand to stop me from leaving. I blushed a little, not sure why. I bent down to hear him.

“Tonight?”

I nodded and went back to the counter. The two girls descended on me immediately.

“What did he say?”

“Does he talk often to you?”

“Unniieee… Is the store hiring?”

“He just wanted to know if our next bakery delivery was soon.”

The girls eventually left. Even fans have homework I suppose.

* * *

“You guys need to find someplace else to get coffee.”

I sat on Jaehwan’s sofa, watching TV with him, Taek, and Hongbin.

“Why?”

“So many fans come in. My own boyfriend can’t even come visit me normally.”

Taekwoon squeezed my hand when I said boyfriend. His eyes crinkled with a slight smile.

“So? You’re there to work, not flirt. Besides, doesn’t that just mean more sales for the store?”

“Yes. We even need to bring on more staff.”

“Why do you say it like it’s a bad thing?” Hongbin asked from the floor.

“Do you know how long it takes to wade through the people that only applied because it’s VIXX’s favourite coffee shop?” I nudged him with my foot, “why did I have to get a famous boyfriend?”

Taek squeezed my hand again.

Hongbin sat up, turning to face me.

“Speaking of… that waitress… Areum? Is she… Does she have a boyfriend?”

“Yah! You can’t do that! I’m older, I should be dating before you!” Jaehwan pushed Hongbin over.

“Oh my god. I thought you’d never ask Binnie.”

Hongbin quickly shoved Jaehwan aside, scrambling to his knees. He knelt in front of me, eyes wide, looking hopeful.

“Really? Why? Does she talk about me?”

“Mm… Not a lot. She did say that she doesn’t mind the crowds as much when ‘the cute one’ comes in.”

“She was talking about me then,” Jaehwan nudged Hongbin.

“Nope, you’re 'the pouty one’ to her.”

Jaehwan pouted dramatically.

“My pout is what makes me cute though.”

“Anyway,” I rolled my eyes, “she doesn’t make hearts in everyone’s lattes you know.”

Hongbin fell back to the floor, clutching his chest.

“I can’t… She puts hearts in mine… What should I do?”

“Ask Taek.”

“Hyung! Help me!”

“Ask her 'what are you doing this weekend?’ Then say 'go out with me’ when she replies.”

“What if she turns me down?”

“Don’t give up. Wait a while, be nice, and ask her again.”

“What are you doing this weekend?” Hongbin whispered from the floor, “go out with me.”


	6. Cafe Au Lait: 1

I sighed and packed up the left over food from dinner. I hadn’t really expected Taekwoon to actually show up, but it was still disappointing. He had been spending a lot of late nights at the studio, occasionally even sleeping there. As I tucked the food into the fridge I wondered if I had turned my phone onto silent mode. After the kitchen was cleaned up I plopped onto the sofa, picking my phone up from the coffee table.

Not on silent.

No messages.

This was becoming frustratingly common. Literally the least he could have done was text me to let me know he’d be late. I flipped on the telly to feel less lonely.

I woke up to children’s cartoons as my phone’s alarm went off.

* * *

I stood on a swing, staring at the ground as I swung back and forth. I wasn’t really paying attention to the voice next to me.

“Yah! Are you awake?”

“Yeah,” I looked over at Wonsik, “sorry. What were you talking about?”

“I was telling you about the alien invasion.”

“Oh.” I jumped down to take a proper seat on the swing. Wonsik twisted his own swing in circles until the chain groaned.

“How long?”

“What?”

“You know what.”

I sighed. Of course I knew what. I felt guilty for a second, realising that Wonsik must have noticed the pattern of when I called him.

“Three weeks since his last text beyond a yes or no, two weeks since he’s been home.”

“And you?” Wonsik lifted his feet and spun wildly.

“You were there when I stopped by last week,” I started swinging, “and I texted him yesterday.”

“No response?”

I just shook my head, staring at the ground again.

“Let’s go get some food.”

* * *

“I’m going to gain so much weight if you keep doing this.”

“Then come to the gym with me,” Wonsik smiled as he walked past me carrying a box of pizza in one hand and a bag from the convenience store in the other.

“Yeah,” I shut the door after him, “I’ll get right on that if I ever feel like dying.”

“I’ll go easy on you,” he was already getting plates down from the cupboard. “I brought that juice you like too.”

“What did I do to deserve a friend like you?”

“Showed up, near as I can tell.”

I settled into the sofa as he popped a DVD in.

“What are we watching tonight?”

“Bameul Geotneun Seonbi.”

“God, you’re such a dork.”

“And yet you keep letting me into your house.”

“I used to be cool you know, before I met you guys.”

“Yeah, yeah, move over, let me sit.”

“I used to go out, go dancing. I could out-drink Jungsu. Now here I am, watching dramas and eating pizza on a Saturday night.”

“Yeah,” Wonsik pulled a blanket to cover both of our laps, “but I’m willing to bet I’m way prettier than any guy you saw while dancing.”

“You’re so full of yourself,” I laughed as I pushed him over lightly.

“With a face like this, how could I not be?” He grinned cheekily, giving me his best v-line pose.

* * *

> **From: Wonsik  
>  Hyung says you’re stopping by?**
> 
> _**To: Wonsik  
>  Yeah. I figured I’d bring some food for you guys.** _
> 
> **From: Wonsik  
>  Okay. First of all, he doesn’t deserve a girl like you.**

I rolled my eyes.

> **From: Wonsik  
>  Second, no one does, you’re a goddess among mortals.**

Wow. He must really be hungry.

> **From: Wonsik  
>  Third, text me first thing when you get here. I want to talk to you before you see him.**

Shit. I should have known this was coming.

I texted Wonsik when I was five minutes away. He was waiting for me in the lobby when I got there. He quickly escorted me to an empty meeting room.

After double checking to make sure the blinds were drawn he turned to me.

“You can’t tell him that we’ve been seeing each other.”

“Seeing each other? You make it sound so bad.”

“It’s how he’ll see it. He’ll think that we… that I… You know how he is. The last time I got close to you he physically removed me from the premises.”

“That was different though.”

“How was that different?”

“He and I were broken up, you and I had…” I suddenly couldn’t meet Wonsik’s eyes, “we were a lot closer then.”

“Exactly! You two weren’t even together and he was that possessive. Just imagine how he’ll be now.”

“I don’t see what the problem is.”

Wonsik groaned, gripping his own hair in his hands.

“Look, we aren’t doing anything wrong. It’s like you need to confess or anything.”

“Exactly, we aren’t doing anything wrong, so why do I have to hide it from him?”

“He’ll stop it. He’ll… I don’t want him to ruin our friendship.”

“You’re being paranoid,” I scoffed, “sure, you had one argument, but we’re friends. It’s fine.”

“Look, just… just don’t do it right now, okay? We’re in the middle of this album and we just… it will make it tougher to work.”

His voice was strained, practically pleading with me. I looked him over, seeing the tightness in his shoulders.

“Fine,” I sighed, “but I’m not going to actively hide it from him.”

“What does that mean?”

“If he asks, I’m not going to lie to him.”

“Fine. That’s fine, I get it. That’s fine. Come on.”

* * *

He led the way to the studio where the boys were hanging out. He swung the door open, “hey, look who I found in the hallway guys.”

It was the first time I had laid eyes on Taekwoon in over a week. He had come home, as evidenced by the depletion in food and shampoo, but had either only been there while I was asleep or at work. He was bent over a notebook, headphones on, pencil in hand. He had apparently not noticed my presence. My eyes lingered over his features for a second before Sanghyuk brought me to back to the present, tugging on one of the bags in my hands.

“What did you bring noona?”

“Nothing too special, just some sandwiches and drinks. I did bring one treat though,” I dipped a hand I to one bag and pulled out a container. “Jjajan!”

Jaehwan and Hongbin immediately peeked up at the sight of the raspberries.

“You’re the best noona!”

“You should bring us food every day!”

“Make sure you guys share them,” I smiled and showed off the second package as well.

We settled into various seats to eat. I found myself wedged between Wonsik and Jaehwan on the small sofa. Sanghyuk laid a sandwich next to Taekwoon’s notebook. He started eating it absent mindedly, still not looking up.

“Hyung…”

“Leave him Hyukkie. He’s busy,” I stopped the youngest from disturbing Taekwoon.

“Right, and the longer he’s busy, the longer I get noona’s attention,” Jaehwan merrily declared. He leaned his head on my shoulder, still chewing happily on his sandwich.

I caught up with the boys, listening to them talk and tease. They kept poking at Hongbin, asking him why Areum never brought them food.

“Yah, Areum is shier than me, okay?” I defended my friend, “she doesn’t like groups much bigger than three or four people. Besides,” I wiggled my shoulder to nudge at Jaehwan, “she doesn’t like the attention that certain people give her.”

“I am deeply offended by that. I’ll have you know that I only have eyes for you,” Jaehwan pouted up at me.

“Yeah, you only have eyes for her when she’s the only girl here,” Wonsik reached around me to flick at Jaehwan’s ear.

After a while Hakyeon kicked Taekwoon’s chair roughly, earning himself a harsh glare. He just jerked his head in my direction in response.

Taekwoon’s expression marginally lightened when he saw me. Hauling himself off the chair, he lumbered forward to pull me up, wrapping me into a tight hug.

“You should have texted me Yeobo.”

“You’re one to talk. And I did, earlier.”

“When you got here.”

“I didn’t want to bother you.”

He kissed the top of my head, and pulled me towards the door. I gave the boys a bewildered and apologetic look as I was whisked out of the room.

* * *

It was a re-run from earlier; an abandoned meeting room, double check on the blinds, and a serious look when he faced me.

“Yeobo…”

“I missed you,” I blurted out. I knew he wasn’t a fan of me interrupting his work. He didn’t respond, except to cross his arms, waiting for me to continue.

“I haven’t seen you for more than five minutes in nearly two months. You hardly ever come home. Whenever you do come home it’s when I’m…” my voice caught. I took a deep breath before continuing.

“You only come home when I’m gone or asleep. It’s like you don’t want to see me.” I was staring a hole into the carpet, not wanting to risk seeing whatever expression he might be wearing.

“Yeobo… The comeback.”

“I know. I know. It’s still tough though. You barely even respond to my texts,” I risked looking up at him, “I can’t do this again.”

The annoyance melted from his features, quickly replaced with panic. In an instant my arms were pinned to my sides as he pulled me into his arms again.

“Yeobo… I’m sorry… I want to be with you.”

His hands moved to my face, pulling my lips to his. My stomach was instantly churning. I wanted more of him, badly. I tugged at his collar, pulling him as close as I could.

He moved our bodies, but I wasn’t really paying attention. I was just so glad to be feeling his presence. He lifted me slightly, putting me on conference table.

My fingers instinctually went for the buttons on his shirt, but he stopped them.

“Not here.”

I bit back a groan. He was right, obviously. But still…

“Taek…” My lips were chasing his as he pulled back.

“I’ll be home,” he pushed the hair back from my face. “Promise.”

“When?”

“Not too late.”

I pouted up at him, but switched to a hopeful look.

“Dinner?”

He shook his head. My frown returned and I hung my head slightly.

“Dessert.”

I looked back up at him, searching his face. “Promise?”

“Yes. I’ll bring it, okay?”

“Okay.”

He gave me another quick kiss, then offered me a hand as I hopped down from the table.

* * *

I laid in bed, my phone on the bed next to me as I stared up at the ceiling.

“He probably fell asleep in the studio. He does that a lot, you know.” Wonsik’s voice sounded slightly muffled through the tinny speaker of my phone.

“He should have set an alarm then.”

“You know he wouldn’t have thought of that.”

“He promised he’d be here tonight. _‘I’ll be home. Promise.’_ That’s what he said.”

“Are you sure he meant tonight?”

“What else would he have meant? I asked about dinner and he said no but said that he’d being dessert.”

I kicked my legs in a mini tantrum, wanting some way to get the anger out of my body.

“Stop thrashing. I’ll call you back in a little bit, okay?”

“Wooonnnnsiiikk…” I whined.

“Promise, twenty minutes, tops. Okay?”

“Yeah,” I grumbled, “because promises are working out great for me.”

“When have I ever broken a promise to you?”

“Well, okay. High-roaded. Go.”

I curled up on the bed, wondering what was so awful about me that my own boyfriend didn’t even want to sleep in his own bed. My stomach was twisted up, and I felt like I might choke on how worthless I felt.

I felt tears well up. Fuck it. Might as well cry. My own boyfriend apparently hates me, why not have a good cry over it?

I was surrounded by stained tissues by the time my phone started ringing.

“Yeoboseyo?”

“Fuck… You were crying, weren’t you?”

“Brilliant Wonsik.”

“Shit. That… I wasn’t expecting that. This is… Not good.”

“What’s wrong?”

“I, uh, I might have driven to the studio.”

“And?”

“And, uh, Leo might not be here…”

“So?” My brain was refusing to function.

“So… If he’s not here… And he’s not there…”

I sat bolt upright.

“Hold on a minute.”

I put Wonsik back on speakerphone and opened up my messages.

> _**To: Americano With Salt  
>  Where are you?** _

“What are you doing?”

“I’m messaging him.”

“He’s probably just on his way home.”

“Which is why I didn’t flip…”

> **From: Americano With Salt  
>  At the studio. Sorry. I’ll leave soon.**

“Oh.”

“What did he say?”

“Is it… Could he maybe be in another part of the building?”

“I checked the practise room and recording studio. His stuff is gone so I don’t think… Oh! Oh. Oh wow. He didn’t…”

“He’s lying to me now,” I flopped back onto the bed, “where could he be at midnight on a Wednesday night?”

“He might be… I don’t know…”

> _**To: Americano With Salt  
>  Forget it. I’m going to bed.** _

“How fucking stupid can I be?”

A crackly sigh sounded through my phone, “you’re not stupid, okay? You’re not. He’s probably… Okay I have no idea where he is but…”

> **From: Americano With Salt  
>  Are you angry?**

“… I’m sure he’s got a good reason.”

“What good reason could he have for this?”

> _**To: Americano With Salt  
>  I told you I can’t do this again.** _

“I don’t know.”

> _**To: Americano With Salt  
>  You promised me you’d come and you still did this?** _

“That’s because there isn’t one.”

My phone vibrated, Taekwoon’s face popping into the screen.

“He’s calling me.”

“Answer him.”

I hit the decline button. I knew it was dumb, but I just didn’t want to bend to him so easily.

“Are you going to answer him?”

“No.”

“Don’t be petty.”

“I’m allowed to be angry.”

> **From: Americano With Salt  
>  Yeobo. Please.**

“I didn’t say you weren’t. But ignoring his call won’t help.”

> _**To: Americano With Salt  
>  Why? So you can make another promise?** _

“It never feels right when you start defending him.”

“I know. Believe me, I don’t want to.”

“Then why…”

Taekwoon’s face crowded the screen again. I hit the decline button again.

“Because I know that you’re not ready to give up on him.”

“I’m closer than you think.”

> **From: Americano With Salt  
>  Please yeobo!**

“Then you won’t mind if I come over?”

“Not funny Wonsik.”

> **From: Americano With Salt  
>  I messed up. Please just answer.**

“Why not? If you’re so ready to leave, then why not let me come over?”

“Because, even if I left him tonight, you’re still one of his closest friends.”

“You didn’t mind too much last time. In fact you seemed to enjoy it. A lot.”

> **From: Americano With Salt  
>  Please wait for me. I’m on my way. Don’t leave, yeobo, please? Just let me come home and see you, okay? I’m getting in my car now, so I can’t talk until I get there. Please be there when I get home.**

“Wonsik…”

“You felt so good under my hands.”

“Wonsik, don’t do this.”

“Why not?”

“Aren’t you still at the studio?”

“Yes. Only thirty minutes from your place.”

“Go home Wonsik.”

“See? You’re not going to give up on him. No matter how well I could…”

“Wonsik, stop.”

“Fine. But you know I’m right. Even if he does have a good excuse.”

“Don’t make me stop calling you.”

“You’ll never get rid of me.”

“Good night Wonsik.”

* * *

I was woken up by the door to the apartment crashing into the wall, and a desperate call from Taekwoon.

“Shit. Yeobo? Yeobo please be here…”

I opened the door to bedroom, rubbing at my eye as I did.

I was swept up almost immediately into Taekwoon’s arms. His lips were on any part of me that they could reach.

“Yeobo… Thank god… I thought you might leave… I’m sorry.”

“You promised,” I tried to sound angry, but instead my voice caught in my throat.

“I know. I know I did,” he started moving us back into the bedroom, “I’m so sorry. Yeobo… I’m so so sorry. I just didn’t notice the time.”

“Where were you?”

“Studio,” I found myself on his lap as he sat on the bed, pulling me closer to him. “I’m sorry aega.”

“I told you I can’t…”

His lips were on mine. I hadn’t noticed the tears on his face until then, the salty tang on his lips. They rinsed the sting of his blatant lie from my mind.

He moved, laying back, pulling me down with him. Even though I was the one on top of him, his hands held me down so tightly that it was impossible to pull away.

He finally broke the kiss to look up at me. His voice was barely a whisper.

“Please stay with me,” he pleaded, “I need you. You can’t leave me.”

“I need you too.”

Taekwoon’s hand found my cheek, brushing his fingers across it, pushing the hair out of my face.

“But I can’t stay with you if it’s like this.”

“Yeobo,” panic in his eyes again, “don’t say that. Stay. I can’t let you…”

“You promised.”

He rolled both us, now leaning over me, burying his head in my neck.

“I know, I know, I’m sorry. Stay with me. Let me fix this.”

He wasn’t playing fair. His lips were pressing heated circles into my skin, his fingertips slowly tracing loops under my shirt.

“It feels like you hate me.”

“Yeobo… I love you, you know I do. You know I can’t live without you.”

 _Did I unbutton his shirt or did he?_ I wasn’t sure, I just watched his shoulders shift as he threw it aside.

“You never come home.”

“I’ll be home.”

“That’s what you said earlier.”

“I promise.”

“You said that too.”

“Yeobo…”

His under-shirt was gone now too, and his belt. Taekwoon leaned down to kiss me again, fitting himself between my legs, shifting his knee just so. He shifted to tug at my earlobe with his teeth.

“You could have called me,” I muffled a groan, trying not to let him win, “or texted.”

“I will. I promise I will. Jagi. Please just stay with me. Let me show you… I can fix this.”

I barely processed it when he tugged my shirt over my head, throwing it to meet his. As usual, his moves were slow and calculated; I hardly ever realised how far gone we were until he stopped.

Taekwoon stopped, body pressed against mine. He pulled back slightly to look down at me.

“Yeobo?”

_How could I say no?_


	7. Cafe Au Lait: 2

The next day was spent veering between anger, sadness, and self-pity. Jungsu was well acquainted with the cycle and kept me supplied with espresso laced hot chocolate. Actually it was more like straight chocolate syrup with a shot of espresso in it.

“Why are all of my friends trying to fatten me up?” I groaned as I put my second empty cup into the dish rack.

“I don’t know why, but getting fat seems to cure sadness. Now drink this.”

“Ugh, I hate you.” I scowled, but accepted the cup anyway.

“Yeah, yeah, that’s why you keep me around.”

It was 10 AM before I began to feel human again.

It was a bit past 3 PM when I hit a speed bump.

The jingle of the bell over the door didn’t grab my full attention, as I was washing the milk steamer at that moment. I didn’t bat an eye when Jungsu called the order to me. I was in the zone when I placed the cup on the counter, not taking note of the figure waiting for it. I only stalled as I turned to cup to see the name Jungsu had written on it.

“Cafe Au Lait for… Wonsik, what are you doing here?”

“I wanted to check on you,” he smiled sheepishly, “and apologise for…” he glanced at Jungsu, who immediately threw his hands into the air.

“Oh my god, you know she already told me everything!”

“… for being an ass last night.”

“It’s… It’s fine. You were just making a point, in your own ass-like way.”

Wonsik smiled and slipped onto a stool. He sipped his coffee before leaning forward.

“So how did it go last night? Did he… Seriously Jungsu?”

I turned to see Jungsu in the middle of an over-dramatic hip thrust manoeuvre.

“Aren’t there dishes you could be doing?”

“They’re done.”

“Bathrooms?”

“Checked them ten minutes ago.”

“Literally anything?”

“Fine! Ruin all my fun why don’t you?”

Jungsu flounced off, likely to some place that was only out of sight and not earshot.

“So…”

“Well, Jungsu wasn’t lying.”

“Wow, cool, because I really want to hear about you fucking other guys.”

“We made up, kind of. I don’t know.”

Wonsik leaned back on his stool, looking me up and down.

“He made a bunch of promises, made you feel like he needs you, but was gone before you woke up.”

“It’s really weird when you…”

“I only know because he kind of told me.”

I stared at him, mouth open for a minute before managing to stutter out a “what?”

“He was in the studio already when I got there. Not even working on anything. He was just sitting in his chair staring into space.”

“And?”

“He said he didn’t know how much longer he could make you stay.”

I didn’t have a response for that.  _Was he really that tired of me?_

“He wants you to stay, he just feels like he’s not enough for you.”

“Wha… What did you say to him?”

Wonsik ruffled a hand through his hair, dislodging his hat in the process.

“I  **wanted** ,” he bent to pick up his hat, “to tell him that letting you go would be the better option. I **wanted**  to tell him that everything he does just hurts you more. I wanted, **so badly** , to tell him that the only reason you two have lasted this long is because I’m always doing the things he should be doing.”

He paused to take more of his drink. I cursed his dramatic flair while I waited for him to go on.

“Instead,” a shorter pause as he readjusted his hair and hat, “I told him that he needs to show you that you’re not just wallpaper to him.”

I stared at him, waiting for him to go on. Instead, he just sighed and tapped his fingers on the counter.

“And?!”

“He didn’t seem to get it at first. I was lucky that N came in soon after. He did a much better job explaining it, I think.”

“I think that’s the closest you’ve ever come to saying you wouldn’t be the perfect boyfriend.”

“Yah, just because I can’t put it into words doesn’t mean I’m bad at it. I also told him,” another pause for dramatic effect, “that sneaking out of the house before you woke up probably wasn’t the best move.”

“How did that go over?”

“N hit him and said he better make it up to you.”

“I’m not saying it’s okay, but he’s always been shy about the morning after we…”

“Stop. Just stop. Please. It was tough enough just giving him useful advice. I really don’t need to hear about that.”

“Jeez, I wasn’t about to go into detail. I was just going to say…”

Wonsik stood up on the crossbar of his stool, leaning over the counter to clasp a hand over my mouth.

“Just shush. Just let me believe that you two… Just let me have this.”

I rolled my eyes, but nodded.

“You’re so dramatic.”

“It’s my own fault, I guess.” He settled back into his chair.

“How’s that?”

“I let my hopes get up.”

“Man, you are bloodthirsty.”

“Hmm,” he sipped his coffee, “it’s not blood that I want.”

“Don’t make me lose your number.”

“You wouldn’t.”

* * *

> **From: Americano With Salt  
>  I went home on my break.**
> 
> **From: Americano With Salt  
>  I left something for you**.

“Something” was the understatement of the year. First of all, it was singular, and this definitely called for a plural. Second of all, “thing” while technically true, was definitely not cutting it. Third of all…

“Wait he brought what home?”

I stared at the little pen that had been erected in the living room.

“Kittens.”

“How many?”

“Three. Hopefully. Unless some escaped.”

“Wow.”

“This is your fault.”

“How is this my fault? Also, why do you say it like a bad thing? Kittens are great.”

“No, Wonsik, this is one step below getting me pregnant.”

I heard a choking noise and felt satisfied.

“What! How is kittens like being pregnant?”

“Couples stay together for their kids. He and I are obviously not ready for kids so…”

“Kittens are the next best thing. Wow. I just figured he didn’t want you to be lonely.”

“Or that. Maybe. This is… I can’t handle this right… Oh...”

The kitten with a mostly orange face was trying to climb up the wall of the pen, towards me. I lifted it in my hand.

“Oh… Oh my god…”

“You fucking love them don’t you?”

“She’s so tiny.”

“You’re such a girl.”

“I have to go, the black one is crying.”

“Have fun mum.”

* * *

> _**To: Americano With Salt  
>  I’m not saying I don’t love them but next time could you maybe consult with me first?** _
> 
> _**To: Americano With Salt  
>  Also, three? Why three?** _
> 
> **From: Americano With Salt  
>  I couldn’t split them up. They’re sisters.**

I sighed as I looked down at the three tiny creatures, each now asleep on some part of my body.

I heard the door to the apartment open. Was Taek home? It wasn’t even five yet. Soft footsteps padded into the living room.

“Oh my gooooodd! They’re so cute!”

“How did you get in here?”

“Taekwoon gave me a key when you guys moved in,” Jungsu put his keys down on the coffee table and sat next to me, “can I hold one?”

“Just try not to wake them up,” he carefully scooped up the black one and settled back so it could nap on his chest.

“I’m in love. I’m coming over all the time now. I’m moving in with you guys. I’m the cat nanny.”

“I don’t know if Taek would approve of me living with another guy.”

“He gave me a key, didn’t he?”

“Yeah… What’s with that? I didn’t even know.”

“He said that he trusted me to look after you when he was on tour,” the kitten fluttered it’s ears under his fingertips, “oh… look at her… He also added that if I ever broke that trust that he was going to personally wring the life out of me.”

“Brutal.”

“It’s just because he loves you.”

“Or he’s paranoid.”

“Well, I mean, there was that one time in High School.”

“You mean that time Hong Sihyeong insisted that we play spin the bottle? I only did it because of the penalty!”

“Admit it, you kind of wanted to kiss me.”

“I kind of wanted to not show half our class my Power Rangers underwear.”

“They ended up seeing them later anyway.”

“That’s because there was no price so high that I would not pay to avoid having to kiss Chwe Jeongyul.”

“Oh yeah…” Jungsu shook his head, “I think you broke his heart that night.”

“I think I don’t care. It made him stop following me around for a week.”

“Yeah, and you made me carry all your shit around.”

“If I carried it then my arms would have bulked up!”

We were interrupted by a cracked meow. The mostly white kitten was awake.

“You woke her up,” I admonished Jungsu.

“You were the one being loud.”

“Here, take the orange face. I have to find their food.”

I got up and searched through the bag next to the pen. Catnip, mice toys, too big collars…

“He forgot food. Why do I love this dummy?”

“Because your brain keeps pumping the oxytocin out every time you…”

“Yes, thank you Jungsu. I need to go get them some food.”

“Well I’m staying here with them.”

“That’s fine,” I picked up my jacket and keys, “I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

* * *

There are more varieties of cat food than there are tampons. I stood in the store aisle, feeling just as confused as I had when I was thirteen. I was shaken out of my panic by my phone ringing.

“Yes?”

“Where are you? Why is Jungsu asleep on our sofa?”

“I’m trying buy cat food. He came to see the cats.”

“Kittens.”

“Right.”

“I brought food. Come home.”

* * *

I don’t think there’s anything in the world that can top the image of Taekwoon playing with three kittens. Maybe four kittens. Maybe.

He was smiling wider than I had ever seen before.

“You look like a proud dad.”

Somehow, his smile got even bigger when he looked up at me.

“Aren’t they perfect?”

“Well, yeah, but you still should have asked me.”

“Don’t be like that,” he moved over slightly, patting the floor next to him, “come here.”

I settled onto the floor next to him. He lifted the black cat, “I think this one should be Geomdaeng.”

“Descriptive.”

He nodded seriously then pointed to the tuft of orange ears poking over the folds in Jungsu’s sweater.

“Ttangbol?”

“How about Jeongchal? For Jeongchalbyeong?”

He nodded again and lifted the white one. She was asleep again, barely responding to his gentle hands.

“And this one?”

“Seonjam.”

He smiled and leaned in to kiss my forehead.

“You two are gross.”

Jungsu lifted Jeongchal, carefully placing her on the floor before rolling onto his side to look at Taekwoon and I.

“Are you guys doing okay now?”

“Yes.”

“Maybe.”

Taekwoon looked at me, a question on his face. Jungsu’s eyes darted between us.

“You know that cats aren’t a solution.”

“I know,” Taekwoon was still looking at me. I kept my eyes on Geomdaeng.

“Right,” Jungsu pushed himself up from the sofa, “I think I made enough trouble. I should head home.”

I walked him to the door, hissing to him that he was an awful human being the whole way.

“Look, maybe now you two will actually, you know, talk,” he pointed out as he slid his shoes on. “I’ll see you at work. Go. Be brave.”

He gave me a quick hug and waved to Taekwoon at the end of the hall before exiting the apartment.

I ran my hand through my hair, annoyed.

“Yeobo…”

“Yes?”

“You should take his key back.”

* * *

The fight was huge. It was our first real one and everything, even from the beginning of our relationship, was made into ammo. He said he didn’t like how close I was to other men, made insinuations about my friendship with Jungsu, Wonsik, the guy who delivered the coffee beans…

“You never turn them away! You’re always smiling and laughing when they get too close!”

“God damn it Taekwoon! Why can’t you see that if I ever wanted to be with one of them that I would not put up with you?!”

I pointed out that the only times I had ever been accused of cheating before were by men who had cheated on me.

“You’re probably only suspicious because you’re the one that’s hiding things from me!”

“I told you I’m at the studio! I’m working so hard for this comeback and all I ever hear from you is that it’s not enough!”

“Yeah,” I scoffed, crossing my arms. “You must work so hard. It must be so fucking difficult. So difficult that you have to break promises and then lie to cover them up.”

“When have I ever lied to you?!”

“Are you kidding me?! Wonsik went to the studio to see if you had fallen asleep!”

Taekwoon just stared at me.

“The building was empty! Your stuff was gone! But when I texted you asking where you were you told me that you were still at the studio!”

“So you have Wonsik checking up on me now? What else has he been doing for you? I’m sure he does every little thing you ask him to, right?”

“That is so not the point Taekwoon!”

“It’s exactly the point! While I’m away you’ve got these men coming here! Who was it last time?! Jaehwan?! Wonsik?! Or was it Jungsu earlier? Is that why he was so tired?!”

“Are you fucking joking?! You think that I’d stoop that low?”

“Why not?! It’s not like you’ve ever discouraged Wonsik whenever he decided to make a move! You still have that ring he gave you! And Jungsu…”

“Fuck you Taek! Jungsu and I have been friends since High School! He was the first person to be nice to me when I moved here! Fuck you!”

“Fuck me? Fuck **me**?! Right, I’m so sure that what you really need  **another**  fuck! Looks like even perfect Jungsu can’t satisfy you!”

Silence fell. I just stared at him across the living room. I didn’t know how to feel.

“Well?!”

His eyes were wild. His chest was heaving. He looked like he was ready pounce.

“Well? Why aren’t you answering me?” Alarm scrawled across his face, “is it true?!”

“You’ve obviously already made up your mind.”

“No! You’re not… Deny it! Tell me I’m wrong!”

“What good would it do?” I pushed past him, into the kitchen. I filled a glass of water while he took a second to process. I was hoping he’d chill out. I turned, drinking the water, and saw him watching me from the doorway. I put the glass down on the counter next to me.

“So what do…”

I was pressed against the cupboard, his hands were pulling me, pushing me, placing me on the counter-top. He pressed his lips tightly against mine, his tongue working it’s way through my teeth.

He pressed my body against his as he bit at my lip, neck, ear.

“Who kisses you better? Who fucks you better?”

“Don’t…” He raised a hand to cover my lips.

“Do they love you like I can? When you let them put their filthy hands on you? Do you moan for them like you do for me?”

He pulled back briefly, tugging his shirt up and off. I put my hands on his chest, firm, a barrier.

“Yeob…”

“Stop it. Just stop it! You can’t always do this!”

“What…”

“You always try to just distract me like this! As soon as a discussion isn’t going the way you want you just start with this!”

“But… How else am I supposed… I’m trying to show you…”

“Oh my god!” I slipped off the counter, pushing past him again. I turned to face him.

“I won’t let you do this!”

“But you’d let  _Wonsik_  do it, right?!”

“God damn it Taekwoon! What do you want me to say?! You want me to tell you that I cheated on you?!”

“So you did! I knew it!”

“What?! I was just aski…”

“I knew it! You and him… I knew there was something there! The way he watches you when you’re in the studio… I bet you even fucked him there, haven’t you?! Didn’t you?! What about Jaehwan?! You… You fucking slut!”

The glass went flying. It wasn’t near me, it was thrown in the opposite direction in fact. Smashing against the wall, the sound of the impact brought another moment of silence. I was so glad that we had put the cats back in their pen.

“What did you just call me?”

“You heard me. You’ve got all these fucking men around you all the time. You probably like it when I’m working late, right? More time for you to whore around with…”

He abruptly stopped when I slammed the still open cupboard shut.

“That’s what you think I am?”

“That’s what you are. You’re a slut, a whore, you’d probably fuck everyone in the band if you got the chance!”

“Huh.”

I turned on my heel, walking out of the kitchen.

“Alright.”

I tread across the living room, into the hallway.

“Well then…”

I walked into the bedroom, shutting and locking the door behind me. I used to think it was dumb to have a lock on the bedroom door, but now I was glad for it. I looked around the room, taking stock of my belongings.

“If that’s what you think.”

I grabbed a backpack. I started carefully folding and rolling clothes to put inside it. Several loud thumps came from the door, no doubt from Taekwoon’s fists. They were followed by a jiggle of the doorknob and Taekwoon’s voice.

“Yeobo?! Yeobo open up! Jagi! Let me in aega!”

I carefully selected pants and shirts that looked good together and pulled some underwear from a drawer. For some reason it seemed so important that I coordinate the socks with the shirts as I tucked them inside the bag.

“Please let me in aega. Please. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. Just… just let me in. Open the door jagi.”

I made sure to include the toothbrush from the attached bathroom, wrapping it in a wash cloth before slipping it into the bag.

“Jagiya! I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

His voice was higher pitched now.

“Let me in! Please!”

I knocked on the door, instantly quieting him down.

“Taekwoon.”

“Yes?”

“Go put your shirt on first.”

“What? Why? That’s…”

“Shirt first, then I’ll open the door.”

“Fine, fine.”

Silence from behind the door. I assumed he had gone back to the kitchen to get his shirt. His voice returned after a minute.

“There. My shirt is back on. Now, please yeobo, just open the door.”

He sounded tired. I slid the door open a crack, peeking out. Seeing that he had indeed replaced his shirt, I swung the door open entirely.

He reached out to me, but stopped when he saw the bag.

“Aega… What’s in the bag?”

“Clothes,” I shrugged, “toothbrush.”

“And you packed them up because…?”

“Why do you think?”

“Are you…” he knelt then. Actually, it seemed more that his knees gave out. “Don’t leave yeobo. Please. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it jagi. I get so scared and I just… don’t leave.”

“I’m not leaving.”

He looked up at me, not understanding. I thrust the bag towards him.

“ _You are_ ,” I shook the bag at him slightly, “go.”


	8. Cafe Au Lait: 3

“Go to that place you hide from me. Go to the studio. Go to Hakyeon’s. I don’t care. Just get out.“

"Please don’t do this. Just let me talk…”

“We can talk again on a day that you haven’t broken something or called me a whore. Now go.”

* * *

“Two calls in one day, I must be doing something right.”

“I threw him out.”

I heard something hit something else through the phone. I imagined he had dropped something in surprise.

“Are you okay?”

I smiled. I knew he wanted nothing more than to hear all of the details, but he asked that first.

“I’m… I don’t know. I’m tired, you know?” I started cleaning up the kitchen. Kneeling, I laid a towel over the broken glass to soak up the water.

“Yeah.”

“He really… I’ve never seen him like that before. He…”

I suddenly felt everything. I dropped the phone as I lurched forward, supporting myself on my fists, sobbing harder than when my first dog had died. I felt the prickle of glass on my knuckles, a reminder of the inherent threat that Taekwoon’s actions had made.

“Noona? Noona?!”

I rubbed an arm over my eyes and reached for the phone.

“Noona? Are you okay noona?”

“Can you come over?”

“I… I’m not sure that’s a good idea noona.”

“Please.”

“Maybe you should call Jungsu?”

“Please Wonsik. What if he comes back?”

“What did he do?” Wonsik’s voice was needle sharp now. “Did he hurt you? What happened?”

“He didn’t… He just threw…” I couldn’t get my words out like I wanted to. “It wasn’t even at me… He was just so convinced…”

“I’m on my way over. I’ll be there in fifteen minutes, okay?”

“Mm-hmm.”

“I need you to do something for me while you wait, okay?”

“What?”

“I need you to change your security code. Do you know how to do that?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, set it to something he won’t think of. Set it to your grandmother’s birthday or something. Something he won’t know.”

“Yes.”

“And, well, I’ll need you to text it to me when you’re done so I can come up. Do that and then just wait for me. Don’t do anything else, okay?”

“Yes.”

“Do **not** text or call him. You might want to, but do not do it. If he tries to contact you, just ignore it, okay? I’ll be there as fast as I can.”

“Okay.”

He hung up and I took a minute to get my legs back under control. I tried to think of a number that Taekwoon wouldn’t be able to guess. I finally settled on today’s date. Who would think of that, right? He’d probably try birthdays first.

After I texted the number to Wonsik, I settled onto the sofa, next to the kittens’ pen. I looked down at the kittens, huddled into a pile together in a blanket that Taekwoon must have bought for them. These little babies… What did they make of what had happened earlier? Did they even know what a fight was?

I laid down, folding my hands under my head, and waited.

My phone went off, Wonsik’s face on the screen.

“Yes?”

“I’m here, let me in.”

* * *

“What’s on your face?!” Wonsik looked like he was staring at a ghost.

“What?” I rubbed at my face with my hands, “where?”

Wonsik grabbed my left hand, pulling it into better lighting. I saw the dried blood there.

“Oh.”

“What did you hit?”

“Nothing. It’s probably from… Well… Just come see.”

I led him into the kitchen, gesturing towards the towel on the floor.

“I was cleaning it up before but then… I don’t know, I’m just so tired.”

“Go lay down. I’ll take care of this,” he steered me out of the kitchen and down the hall, “I’ll be there in a minute.”

I face-planted into the bed. Listening to the sounds of Wonsik cleaning up the mess in the kitchen I rolled onto my side. The drawers and closet doors were still open. I stared at the hangers I had emptied.

* * *

Wonsik came into the room after a little while. He had a mug in one hand and a wash cloth in the other. Setting the mug down on the bedside table, he lifted my hand again.

“Come on, let me clean you up.”

The wash cloth was warm. He rubbed the traces of blood from my face and hair, smiling when he saw that there really wasn’t any wound there. He disappeared into the bathroom for a second, before tackling my hand. I heard him bumping drawers open and closed.

I called out to him, “bottom left.”

Another bumping noise, a burst of water, and he was back. The wash cloth was wetter now. He carefully dabbed at my hand with it.

“You have to be careful. What if you had gotten seriously hurt?”

“I didn’t make him throw it.”

“That’s not what I mean.”

I watched his concentration as he put antibiotic ointment and band aids over the cuts. He gently kissed the un-cut fingers before heading back to the bathroom to put everything away.

When he came back he sat so I could lay my head on his lap. He pet my hair gently, silently, letting me decide what I wanted to share.

“He accused me of cheating on him.”

“Mm.”

“He talked about you… Jaehwan… Even Jungsu.”

“Jungsu? That doesn’t make any sense. Even I know he’s crazy over Gayoung, and I haven’t even met her.”

“He wouldn’t listen at all. I just stopped trying to say anything after a while.”

“Mm.”

“He called me…” I swallowed thickly, taking a deep breath.

“What?”

“He said he didn’t mean it but… Why would he say it if he didn’t mean it?”

“What did he say?”

I rubbed my hands over my face.

“You know.”

“I’d like you to prove my assumption wrong though.”

“Whore, slut, that I probably didn’t even care when he didn’t come home.”

“Aish…”

“If I didn’t care then wouldn’t I stop trying? If I were so interested in other men, wouldn’t I have left him?”

“Mm.”

“Why would I stay if I was like that?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know what he was thinking, or why. Maybe he really didn’t…”

“Shush. You’re on my side right now, okay?”

“Right. Okay.”

We fell into silence. Wonsik’s fingers scratching over my head, rubbing gently at my neck. At one point he moved me to sit between his legs so he could start trying to rub the tension from my shoulders.

My phone rang. Hakyeon’s image lit up the screen.

“Well, looks like I know where he’s sleeping tonight.”

“Are you going to…”

> “Yeoboseyo?”
> 
> “What happened?”
> 
> “Ask Taekwoon.”
> 
> “I would, except he has locked himself in my bathroom and is refusing to speak.”
> 
> “Oh my god… Jungsu gave me a hug, which made Taekwoon jealous, which started a fight, which ended with him saying I was just trying to sleep my way through VIXX, which is when I told him to leave.”
> 
> Hakyeon groaned.
> 
> “That idiot…”
> 
> “Did I mention the part where he broke a dish against the wall?”
> 
> “Aish!” I heard a thumping noise, presumably Hakyeon hitting the bathroom door since it was followed by him yelling “yah! Pabo! Are you drunk or something!?”
> 
> “Come on, you know he doesn’t really drink.”
> 
> “Alright. Okay. He’s definitely staying here for a while then. What if he needs something from the apartment?”
> 
> “What would he need? He barely lives here anyway.”
> 
> “I don’t know. More clothes? I’m just trying to think ahead.”
> 
> “Well, don’t. We can deal with that later.”
> 
> “Alright, alright. Are you okay?”
> 
> “Close enough.”
> 
> “You have someone you can call, right?”
> 
> I glanced at Wonsik. He dipped his eyebrows, a facial question mark.
> 
> “Yes. I’ll be okay.”
> 
> “Okay. I have to see if I can get him out of there.”
> 
> “Hakyeon…”
> 
> “Yes?”
> 
> “Uh… Tell him to wait. Before trying to call. At least a day or two.”
> 
> “Right. Be well.”
> 
> “Bye.”

I hung up and dropped the phone on the bed. Leaning back against Wonsik I groaned.

“A day or two should be easy for him,” Wonsik wrapped his arms around me, “he’s the master of not calling you.”

“He locked himself in Hakyeon’s bathroom.”

Wonsik tucked me further into his chest, resting his chin on my shoulder.

“Are you going to take him back?”

“I don’t know.”

“Hmm…” Silence for a minute, and then, “remember last time we were like this?”

“Like what?”

“Like this. You in my lap, on a bed, after an argument with Leo.”

“Wonsik…”

“I know I shouldn’t,” he buried his face in my neck, “but I keep remembering. The way you called me Ravi…”

I turned my head slightly so I could look at him more clearly.

“What was with that anyway?”

I felt him shrug, “you always call me Wonsik. It’s different.”

“So if I always called you Ravi?”

“Mmm…” He wriggled under me, “that might take some getting used to.”

“Really Ravi?”

I saw his teeth grit and he clenched his eyes shut.

“Nnng… Stop that.”

“How are you going get used to it if I stop, Ravi?”

He groaned, hanging his head over my shoulder.

“I knew coming over was a bad idea.”

“Alright, alright, I’ll stop.”

“Too late. It’s my own fault for bringing it up. I deserve to suffer.”

“The bathroom is right there.”

“As much as I’d love to, uh, release the pressure, there’s no way I’m doing that in  **your**  bathroom.”

“Hm.”

“Hm?” He gently wiggled my body back and forth. “That’s all you’ve got to say for yourself?”

“It’s not my fault you’re weak.”

He made a frustrated noise into my hair, but then laughed.

“If it helps you distract yourself, I guess it’s okay.”

“Oh! You know what’s a good distraction?”

He nuzzled his face into my neck, closer. Too close.

“I’m crossing my fingers that you and I are thinking of the same thing.”

“Three kittens!” I hopped up from the bed, “we’re totally on the same page,” I tilted my head, enjoying teasing him, “right Ravi?”

* * *

I left the room quickly, not waiting to see his reaction. I heard a muffled yell, as if he was screaming into a pillow. Laughing, I went to the kittens. Geomdaeng was awake, so I lifted her from the pen.

“Hello Geom-geom, what are you doing awake?”

Geomdaeng hooked her claws into my shirt, climbing up my chest and letting out a tiny, screechy, meow in reply.

“Really? What did Jeongchal think of that?”

Another squeaky noise, this time from my shoulder.

“I don’t believe it. Jeongchal said that?”

“You are too cute.”

Wonsik leaned against the wall, watching me try to get Geomdaeng unhooked from my back.

“Here, let me do it.”

With next to no effort, he plucked the kitten from my shirt.

“How did you do that so easily?”

“You just squeeze their paws a little bit. It makes their claws retract.”

“Oh,” I watched him tease Geomdaeng with his fingers, “I’ve only ever had dogs before. And some fish when I was nine.”

There wasn’t any reply. Wonsik just leaned over to grab one of the toys, flicking little ribbons back and forth, Geomdaeng chasing them.

Resting my head on my hand, I watched them play in silence for a while.

“Why do you put up with me Wonsik?”

He didn’t look up, but his hands slowed.

“What do you mean?”

“You always help me. You’re always there when I call you.”

“Not always.”

“Okay, sometimes you’re busy, but still,” I adjusted my position, tucking my legs up on the sofa, “is it, like, do you have to clean up after Taekwoon?”

“Sometimes.”

“And other times?”

He dropped the toy, scooping up Geomdaeng and settling her back into the pen. He shuffled over to me and sat on the floor, resting his head on my knee.

“Do you really want me to say it?”

“I just worry that I’m using you.”

“You are. But that’s what people do. You use me, I use you, Taekwoon uses both of us, we both use him…” he paused, tracing a finger over the seam of my jeans. “Nobody does anything that doesn’t give them something.”

“So what do you get from me?”

“I don’t know. I get to be right. I get to feel like I’m doing something good. I get to take care of you,” he crawled up onto the sofa, pulling me to lean against him. After settling our positions and pulling my hair out of the way he continued, “what do you get from me?”

“I… You make me feel like I’m not so crazy.”

* * *

There were strained discussions with Taekwoon after most of my shifts. We’d take over the dry storage, arguing back and forth.

He didn’t take too kindly to my pointing out that he had a habit of only putting time in when he thought there was a chance of losing me.

“Of course I do! That’s when I need to work on it. Why wouldn’t I work on it then?”

“You’re missing the point! You need to put effort in even when there isn’t a problem! That’s how you make relationships work!”

* * *

There were also plenty of late night text messages, initiated on both sides. They always started normal, but devolved into emotional outpourings.

> **From: Americano With Salt  
>  How are the kittens?**
> 
> _**To: Americano With Salt  
>  Seonjam can climb the wall of the pen now. She cries when she reaches the top though.** _
> 
> **From: Americano With Salt  
>  Scared to jump?**
> 
> _**To: Americano With Salt  
>  Yes.** _
> 
> **From: Americano With Salt  
>  I wish I could see them.**
> 
> **From: Americano With Salt  
>  I wish I could see you. I miss you jagi.**
> 
> _**To: Americano With Salt  
>  You see me more now than before.** _
> 
> **From: Americano With Salt  
>  Not really. I’d see you in bed. I’d feel you next to me. It’s different.**
> 
> _**To: Americano With Salt  
>  Not for me.** _
> 
> _**To: Americano With Salt  
>  I go to sleep without you, I wake up without you, everything is the same.** _
> 
> _**To: Americano With Salt  
>  Except you talk to me now.** _
> 
> **From: Americano With Salt  
>  I’m sorry yeobo.**
> 
> _**To: Americano With Salt  
>  You’re always sorry at night.** _
> 
> **From: Americano With Salt  
>  I’m honest at night.**

* * *

It took me two weeks to let him visit the apartment. It reminded me of the first time we had split up. Were we split up? I didn’t know. We were in the no man’s land between together and exes.

“You fixed the wall.”

The plaster was unpainted. A stark white reminder against the pale yellow of the kitchen walls. I didn’t have the courage to tell him that Wonsik had actually fixed it.

Taek ran his hand over the patch. He didn’t look at me when he spoke.

“Yeobo. I’m sorry. I don’t know what happened.”

“I think you were accusing me of cheating on you,” I tilted my head as I said it, unable to hide my sarcasm.

"I know you didn’t,” he sighed.

“And when you called me those names?”

He turned to me, regret etching taut lines in his face.

“I’m sorry. I never should have said that. It was totally wrong.”

“You must believe it. Some part of you. You wouldn’t have said it otherwise.”

“I just… I know how close you and Jungsu are. He knows parts of you that I never can.”

“What about Jaehwan and Wonsik?”

“That’s… I shouldn’t have said those things. I trust you. I just… Wonsik is always pointing out how bad of a boyfriend I am, and Jaehwan always turns on the charm when you’re around.”

“Wonsik is trying to help you. And Jae is just… That’s what Jae does with girls. He’s the same with Areum. And Hongbin hasn’t accused her of cheating.”

“How is Wonsik trying to help? He just nags me about how I don’t talk to you enough. You said you didn’t mind that I don’t text a lot!”

“There’s not contacting me a lot and then there’s shutting me out!” This was so frustrating.  _How could he be so dense?_

“So now I’m shutting you out?! I’m not a mind reader!”

“I’ve never asked you to be! I’ve explicitly told you what I need!”

_How had this turned back into a fight? Two seconds ago everything was fine._

“So I guess I’m just an idiot then! I don’t get it! If I’m so awful, why do you stay with me?!”

“I ask myself that all the time,” I mumbled, rubbing the back of my neck.

“What?!”

“I love you Taekwoon. I really, truly, do. But this is so exhausting. You’re jealous, you break promises, you don’t let me know where you are or when you’ll be home. I never know what’s going on with you, and you never seem to care what’s going on with me.”

“You’re not exactly perfect either you know! You’re constantly pestering me, you’re always flirting with everyone, you definitely don’t appreciate everything I do for you! I bought this apartment! I bought everything in it! I’m constantly at work to make sure you have everything you need and in return all I get is complaints and to see you parade around with other men!”

“What?! You bought this place before we were ever together! I’ve never asked you to buy me anything! I don’t give a shit about that stuff!”

“Exactly! You don’t care about anything I do for you!”

I groaned, leaning forward against the counter and bumping my head on the cupboard.

“Taek… Those things don’t matter to me. They can’t replace you. I just want to know that I’m important to you. I’m beginning to hate the gifts, if I’m honest.”

He didn’t answer immediately. It sounded like he was taking deep breaths behind me.

“Yeobo…” He cornered me, trapping me between his hands on the counter. He leaned down, nestling his chin on my shoulder. “I can exchange the…”

“It’s not about the gifts. It’s about what they symbolise,” I turned to face him, crossing my arms, “every time you buy me something it’s an apology. I feel like you’re trying to buy me.”

“I just want to show you how sorry I am. I can’t show up empty handed.”

“If you’re sorry you should stop doing things you need to apologise for.”

“I can’t change who I am.”

“I’m not… I just mean you shouldn’t make promises that you can’t keep. Or try to make sure that you do keep them. Set alarms on your phone, let me know ahead of time if you’re going to be late or miss a date. Just… Try to think of me.”

“I always think of you aega,” he leaned down again, leaving a quick kiss on my forehead. “You’re all I think about. I’ll try to be better.”

“I’ll try too,” I sighed. I leaned into his chest, letting him wrap his arms around me. “I do flirt sometimes. I just like feeling wanted. It’s like… I must be kind of special if I get that sort of attention. It means I’m interesting, or pretty, or something.”

“Maybe I should flirt with you. I’m not doing a good job if you need that attention from other men.”

“No, it’s… I mean… I definitely won’t say no to your attention.”

He tightened his hold on me, rubbing his hands on my arms.

“I miss you yeobo.”

“I miss you too.”

He lifted me onto the counter, evening out our heights a little. Bending forward, he came in for a kiss, stopping just shy of my lips. I gave him a quick peck. A small smile curled across his lips.

“One more.”

I pecked him again.

“Again.”

I suppressed a giggle. He was too cute. I pressed a slightly longer kiss to his lips.

“Mmm… One more time?”

Longer, slower, more requests for more kisses. In no time I was laughing out loud as he chased my lips. He finally ended the game by stealing a kiss.

“Let me come home yeobo.”

“I don’t know,” I glanced at the patch of plaster. He must have seen me look at it, because he moved to block my view.

“I… I can’t promise that everything will be perfect. We’ll probably still get in fights, and I’ll definitely still be late,” his hands absently rubbed over my thighs, “but I miss you. I hate not sleeping next to you. I miss coming home and seeing you, even if you’re already asleep. I miss my goodnight kisses.”

“I don’t give you goodnight kisses. I’m always already asleep.”

“Yes, but I always give you one. Usually,” he pulled me down from the counter, turning me back around, “like this.”

He kissed the back of my neck.

“Or like this.”

He leaned forward and kissed my cheek.

“Sometimes you kick all the blankets off and I kiss you goodnight like this.”

He knelt, running a hand down my leg, and kissed the outside of my thigh, just above the knee. I wondered if he could feel my skin heat up.

“Or when your shirt rides up…”

He raised my shirt, kissing the dip of my waist. He stood up again, tucking me back into his chest. His lips grazed my skin.

“Or other places.”

“Like where?”

“Wherever I see skin that needs to be kissed.”

“Like where?”

His breathing was a little shakier now. His thumbs were rubbing small circles into my arms.

“Yeobo…”

“Show me.”

Taekwoon lifted me up, bending to loop an arm behind my legs. He carried me into the bedroom and gently laid me down on the bed. I rolled onto my stomach, my natural sleeping position.

“What are you doing?”

“This is how I sleep, right? So show me.”

He laughed and knelt on the bed next to me, I felt the bed shift as he crawled to partially cover my body with his.

“Sometimes I’m needy, but you’re asleep so I just settle for kissing you like this.”

I felt him kiss my hip.

“Or this.”

A kiss on my shoulder.

“Or like this.”

He lifted my shirt again, kissing my lower back.

“Or I’ll just slip into bed, kiss your neck, and hold onto you like this.”

He slipped one arm under the pillow, and wrapped the other around my waist.

“Mmm… You’re warm.”

He intertwined his legs with mine. We just lay there for a while. It was nice to be so close to him, to experience his touch while awake.

After a few minutes I heard a slight snore behind me. I carefully shifted to face Taekwoon. His arms tightened around me.

“Stay,” he mumbled, eyes still shut.

“I’m right here.”

“Good.”

“But you can’t stay here tonight. Or I’ll leave.”

He pulled me in even tighter, frowning.

“Why?”

“I’m not ready.”

“Why?”

“I can’t live with someone who scares me.”

He finally opened his eyes. Frown lines deepened across his forehead, but he just nodded.

“I’m sorry.”

“No yeobo. I should be sorry. I can’t let my fear of losing you come out like that. What if you had gotten hurt?”

“I would have been the one who left.”

“And I would lose everything. I don’t ever want you to be scared of me. I don’t ever want you to worry that I might hurt you.”

He let go of me, pushing himself to sit up. Looking down at me he smiled wanly.

“I’m glad you let me in today,” he leaned down, resting his head on my stomach, “I’ll use it to be re-energised.”

“I’m sorry we fought again today.”

“It was a good one though. I was more prepared to listen this time.”

He lifted his head, and moved so he was leaning over me. His lips were warm and tender, just barely touching my own before pulling back.

“One more.”

He smiled and kissed me again.

“Again.”

His entire body pressed against mine. The bed dipping where he supported his weight on his knees and forearms.

“More.”

* * *

Leaning on the counter, I watched the white plaster disappear under the paint roller.

“I could have done that myself you know.”

“I know, but I feel like it’s my job somehow,” Wonsik shot my a smile, “I have to clean up after Leo, right?”

“You don’t **have** to.”

“I want to.”

I pushed myself upright and busied myself with pouring juice for the two of us.

“Ice please.”

I dropped a few chunks into his glass and slid it towards him.

“You’re strange.”

“Yes,” he picked it up grinning, “but you like me anyway.”

“Yeah, okay.”

This was becoming more common. At first, I would get scared at night and would call Wonsik to come by. Then he patched up the wall. Then he started coming by on his own, always with an excuse, or food.

_“Your faucet is leaky, so I brought these tools and… Well I can look up how to do it online.”_

_“I accidentally got the sharing size at that noodle place…”_

_“I noticed that one of the bulbs is out in your kitchen…”_

_“I brought chicken…”_

_“The sliding door stuck a bit last time I was here so I figured…”_

Today it was “I finally found paint that matches.”

“I’m beginning to think that you just like this place better than yours.”

“I have better company here.”

I raised an eyebrow at him.

“Plus I don’t want you to be alone. You told me you don’t feel comfortable, but you also don’t have any other place to go. So I have to come make sure you’re okay.”

I rolled my eyes at his cheesiness, hiding my smile behind my cup.

“You’re very nice to me Ravi.”

His ears turned slightly pink, but he just downed his drink instead of giving me a reaction.

* * *

“I don’t see what the problem is. It’s not like you guys are messing around or anything,” Jungsu flipped a towel at me, “right?”

I groaned and gave up on cleaning the counter.

“Taekwoon’s biggest issue is how close I am with Wonsik. But every time there are problems with Taek I end up spending more time with Wonsik.”

“So?” Jungsu leaned against the counter, staring me down, “you guys are friends. If anything I should be jealous that you’re becoming better friends with him than me.”

“Oh please, you know you’ll always be my tiny oppa.”

“Flattery will get you everywhere, but you didn’t answer my question.”

“Which one?”

“You guys aren’t… you know… **getting domestic**?”

“He fixed my shower. We’re domestic as hell, but no, we are not fucking.”

Jungsu shook his head.

“You get so worked up over nothing.”


	9. Cafe Au Lait: 4

“Yeobo.”

My eyes had been stuck to the backpack at his feet. I realised we were both just standing in the entry.

“Right. Right. Come in, put your stuff…”

“Are you sure this is okay? We don’t have to… I can stay with Hakyeon longer.”

“It’s fine. It’s fine. I… It’s strange.”

“Come here,” he held his arms up.

I let him hug me tightly. A kiss on the top of my head, fingers squeezing the flesh of my arms.

“Remember your first night here? When you moved in?”

“I was excited.”

“I felt like my chest would explode. I was so worried.”

“You should have let me sleep over before that. Then you wouldn’t have had to worry.”

“I think we reversed now. I’m excited and you’re worried.”

“It’s a little different Taek.”

“Yes. I still feel like my heart might burst.”

There was a chirp by our feet.

“Be careful of Seonjam. She doesn’t know how to get out of the way when you walk.”

Taekwoon finally let his grip on me go, bending to scoop up the small piece of white fluff.

“Seonjam-ie… Did you miss me? Ah, you probably don’t even know me, right?”

Grabbing his bag in his free hand, he walked towards the bedroom, talking to Seonjam the entire way. I watched after him, wondering if I was making the right choice.

* * *

He was trying, but he was always a little mindless.

Empty bed. Empty bathroom. Empty living room, empty kitchen, empty apartment. Old habits. Old dog. New tricks. At least there were more texts now.

* * *

“I’ll be late… I’m still at work… Don’t wait up…” Jungsu tossed my phone back to me, “so nothing’s really changed. I expected this.”

“Yah! What do you mean?!”

Jungsu dodged the rag thrown at him before replying.

“You should have been the one that left. He had no incentive to really change.”

“That doesn’t make sense.”

“Think about it! You kicked him out of **his** house. It’s still his house, so of course you were going to take him back. He just had to wait it out.”

My mouth fell open. Jungsu just nodded and continued.

“If you had left, there’s no way he could know for sure that you would come back. He would have to really put the effort into making living with him an attractive idea.”

“I guess.”

Jungsu crossed his arms, thinking hard about something. After a second he snapped his fingers.

“I got it! I know exactly what you need…”

* * *

“I know the perfect place!”

“Alright. Thanks Areum. How’s things with Binnie?”

“He’s such a sweetheart! Just last week he… Well… Things are going well.”

“It doesn’t hurt me to hear that you’re happy.”

“I know. But it feels selfish to talk about it when things are so rough with you and Taekwoon.”

“Ah, then you’ll never get to tell me. I’ll probably end up missing your wedding since things are always rough with Taekwoon.”

“I’ll make an exception to tell you if I ever get engaged.”

“You better. I have to go now. Talk later?”

“Yes.”

* * *

> **From: Gayoung  
>  Why is Areum choosing? You know I know clubs better than her.**
> 
> _**To: Gayoung  
>  Exactly.** _
> 
> **From: Gayoung  
>  And who is going to buy my drinks if Jungsu doesn’t come?**
> 
> _**To: Gayoung  
>  Since when have you ever had to pay for anything you didn’t want to?** _
> 
> **From: Gayoung  
>  Even I get older you know!**

* * *

> _**To: Americano With Salt  
>  I’m going out with Gayoung and Areum on Saturday night.** _
> 
> _**To: Americano With Salt  
>  Just in case you get home and I’m not home. I don’t want you to worry.** _

_See? This is how you take your partner into consideration._

> **From: Americano With Salt  
>  Where?**
> 
> _**To: Americano With Salt  
>  I’m not sure. Areum is choosing.** _
> 
> **From: Americano With Salt  
>  If Gayoung is going, does that mean Jungsu will be there?**

_Are you fucking kidding me?_

> _**To: Americano With Salt  
>  No. Ladies only.** _
> 
> **From: Americano With Salt  
>  Alright. Be careful. Don’t drink too much.**

* * *

The night ended the way most girls’ nights ended for us. Areum got picked up by her smiling prince. My chest clenched at the sight of them. If the broad and eye squeezing smile on Hongbin’s face felt like an insult, the way he dipped down to kiss her cheek was just salt on the wound. I’d never tell them that though. They were happy, and I refused to hold it against them.

On the other side, Gayoung whined into her phone until Jungsu agreed to pick her up. She invited me to ride with them, but I declined. It was for Jungsu’s sake. I figured the more one on one time he had with Gayoung, the higher his chances were. It was a different kind of pain with them. Gayoung was so convinced that no man was worth letting her walls down that she missed Jungsu’s total dedication.

I gave Jungsu an encouraging thumbs up as he helped Gayoung into his car. He made sure she was buckled securely before making his way back around the car to my side.

“You sure you don’t want a ride?”

“I’m not even drunk.”

“Okay, but don’t hesitate to call me.”

“I’ll be fine! Now go, be the prince.”

Jungsu rolled his eyes, but smiled. With a wave, he disappeared into his car and pulled out.

I checked my watch. It was barely past midnight. When had my friends gotten so adult-ish?

I headed back into the club. I took up a space at the bar, ordering a beer. Once I had it in hand, I moved to an out of the way spot where I could watch the stage.

* * *

Two beers later I was at a table with a guy claiming he was a big shot in the music industry.

“That’s why I’m here tonight. I’m trying to scout some talent.”

“I see,” I held my voice at a bored tone. Not that it was difficult. This guy had the amazing ability to make rocket powered roller derby sound dull. I was only talking to him so that I didn’t feel so pathetic for being at the bar alone.

“You’re mixed, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Your skin is such a nice colour. I bet you’d do great in videos.”

_Ugh. Let me guess, he’d just love to cast me but…_

“We’d have to do a screen test first of course.”

_Bingo. Now the suggestion that he shows me the studio._

“Here, take my card. You can look me up if you’re interested.”

_Different tactic._ I looked at his card. It seemed pretty legit, though I noted that the company was one I had never heard of. Not that that meant anything though.

“We’ve got this new kid, pretty good lyrics, flow is a little rusty but nothing we can’t handle…”

I just nodded and added small comments at appropriate intervals. I was glad when my drink was empty again. Finally, an excuse to leave him for a minute.

My feet were a little less stable than I expected. Maybe I should call someone for a ride. I placed my order, then started scrolling through my phone. I had written and sent a text before I realised it.

> _**To: Wonsik  
>  Save me please?** _

_Wonsik. Wonsik?_  Surely I had meant to text Taekwoon. Rereading my text made it clear that I had meant that message for Wonsik though. No way would I have sent a plea like that to Taek.

> **From: Wonsik  
>  Where are you?**

I texted him the name and area of the club. I also included that I would be inside, probably near the stage. Picking up the beer that the bar tender had placed in front of me, I headed back to the table.

“Ah, I’m glad I didn’t scare you off.”

“Just a refill.”

The boring man scooted his chair a little closer to me, making an excuse about not wanting to be in people’s way.

He droned. My lord did he drone. Such and such was such a great underground rapper, what’s his name was looking for models for his new album, some group from Busan was blah blah blah. I was so legitimately amazed by how poor the man’s conversational skills were that I barely noticed his little attempts to get closer. I was completely tuned out by the time Wonsik arrived.

His arrival was heralded by a heavy hand landing on my shoulder and a deep voice.

“Yeobo.”

Confused, I looked up at him. His eyes darted to the boring man, who now seemed to be trying measure him up. _Good luck, buddy._

I stood, smiling. Giving Wonsik a hug I took the implicit offer he had made.

“Jagi! I’m glad you could make it!”

Wonsik wrapped one arm around my waist, his opposite hand going to my chin. He pulled me in so close that the fabric of his face mask rubbed against my cheek.

“I missed you,” he leaned in closer, whispering now, “bothering you?”

I moved my head as if I was planting a kiss on his cheek.

“Just boring. Let’s go.”

Wonsik pulled back, his arm still on my waist. Pulling the mask from his face, he bowed slightly to the boring man. The boring man’s eyebrows creased as he stood to return the bow.

“You… She didn’t mention a boyfriend.”

“We’re keeping it private. I’m sure you understand.”

“Of… Of course… Wait!” Recognition lit the man’s face. Wonsik immediately replaced his face mask.

“Yeobo, I think it’s time to go, don’t you?”

Quickly, we exited the building. Wonsik tugged me towards his car and we couldn’t help but laugh as we got into it.

Wonsik turned to face me, resting his hand on the headrest of the passenger seat. He was grinning.

“That was kind of fun.”

“You didn’t need to give the guy a heart attack.”

“Sure I did.”

“Well you didn’t need to get so close to me to do it.”

Wonsik leaned forward, his grin invading my space.

“Sure I did.”

“Wonsik-ah…”

“What? You’re the one that hugged me.”

_How had he gotten so close?_

“I know.”

“You practically…”

_When had my hand started tugging his collar?_

“… kissed me.”

His seat was leaned back, and somehow I was in his lap. Both of our breaths were unsteady, both of us staying just barely out reach of the other’s lips.

“Noona… We shouldn’t…”

“We **really** shouldn’t…”

“God damn it I want you though…”

I started grinding against him slightly.

“Ravi…”

“Fuck…”

“Say it Ravi…”

His hands were everywhere, sliding over my waist, up my sides, down my arms.

“Say what?”

“Say it…”

He bucked up towards me. I wasn’t sure if I was impressed or disappointed with both of our self-control.

“Fuck. Noona… I want you so bad…”

“So say it.”

“I just did. What are… Fuck just hold still for a second… What else am I supposed to say?”

“Tell me why.”

His hands tightened against me, bringing everything to a stand-still. He looked up at me, eyes flicking back and forth between mine.

“I…” He blinked, shutting his mouth and swallowing. The stillness was bring both of us back to our senses. I couldn’t look at him. I moved back to the passenger seat.

For a minute, the both of us just sat there, staring through the windshield.

“Noona I…”

“Let’s go.”

I turned my head to look at him. He was facing me again, his hand back on the headrest of my seat. He looked tense, steeling himself to jump off the high board.

“Noona…”

I put my hand over his mouth. I wanted to hear it, but I couldn’t stand to hear it.

“Let’s just go Wonsik.”

* * *

I was woken up by teeth on my neck, and a warm weight on my back.

“Taek?”

“Mm.”

“What are you doing?”

He moved, gently tugging me to roll onto my back. I caught the scent of alcohol when he dipped down to press his lips to my neck again.

“Taekwoon-ah…”

“Shh…”

One of his hands was sliding under my shirt now. My skin heated up, but it was from shame instead of arousal. When his teeth hit my skin again, I tried, and failed, to keep the image of Wonsik under me in the car from my mind.

“What…”

“I need you.”

“Right now?”

I felt him nod against me once. He pushed himself up, tugging his shirt off. He looked down at me, forever cursed with looking too serious.

“Is it okay?”

I paused to think. Maybe this is exactly what I needed. What we needed. A more active sex life could be a key to helping us get better.

“Yeobo?”

I nodded.

* * *

He was gone when I woke up. I knew it was to be expected, but it still hurt every time. We could fight, fuck, cuddle, kiss, have a date night, whatever, but I would still wake up alone. Alone in an apartment that just kept feeling smaller.

I heard a tearing noise from the foot of the bed. Moving to look, I saw Geomdaeng trying to claw her way up. I scooped her up, laying back down with her.

“At least you’re still here.”

She pounced on my feet. My heart clenched, even though I smiled at her antics. All of the laughter in this house seemed to come only from her and her sisters.


	10. Cafe Au Lait: 5

“Aish? Seriously?”

I nodded glumly.

“Alright. There’s only one solution,” Areum said determinedly.

“Breaking up?” Jungsu offered.

“Hooking up?” Gayoung suggested.

“Going to sleep?” I blearily asked.

“More drinks,” Areum replied, “Jungsu?”

“Why do I always have to buy shots?” He complained, but stood up anyway.

“Because you’re the one with a trust-fund.”

“Fine, fine. Why do I even go out with you all?”

“Because you love us,” Gayoung said into her compact. She snapped it shut and looked up at Jungsu, “weren’t you going to get drinks?”

As soon as Jungsu was out of earshot, Gayoung turned to me.

“So what are you going to do?”

“I don’t know,” I slumped over the table, “if I bring it up, it will turn into a fight. If I say nothing, it will keep being a problem.”

“If you make out with someone tonight, you’ll know that at least it isn’t because you’ve lost your looks.”

“Unnie!”

“I’m not doing that Gayoung.”

“I’m just saying, you have needs. There’s no reason you shouldn’t have them fulfilled just because you’re dating someone who can’t be bothered to show up for your anniversary.”

I sat back up and stared into my empty glass.

“He’s busy.”

“Yes. Even Hongbin has had to cancel some dates,” Areum defended.

“Okay. And when Hongbin cancels, he texts you, right?”

“Of course.”

“Has Hongbin canceled your anniversary?”

“Well… No. But that’s not the point!”

“Gayoung, comparing Taekwoon and Hongbin isn’t fair,” I pointed out.

“You’re right, Hongbin has never thrown anything or damaged anything in a fight.”

“Unnie…” Areum wrapped an arm around my shoulder. Gayoung scoffed and looked away.

“Areum, you think I’m bad? You’re the one that keeps encouraging her to stay in a shitty relationship,” she faced us again, fixing Areum with a hard stare. “I might not have experience in long term relationships like you do, but I do have experience in not letting myself be treated poorly. She deserves better than that.”

Jungsu returned with four shot glasses and a bottle. He started setting up the shots as Areum spoke up.

“I know that Taekwoon is a little bad, but I also remember all the things he’s done that aren’t bad,” we all raised our glasses and downed the cloudy liquid. Areum turned towards me, “I’m not saying you deserve to be treated badly. I just… You two have been together for so long now. You have so much history together. Do you really want to have to start over?”

* * *

His voice drifted down to me through the darkness.

“You’re sweating. Isn’t that blanket hot?”

“A little.”

“Take it off then.”

“I… Are you sure? I don’t…”

Wonsik pulled my body towards his.

“Yeah, but I don’t mean it like that. It’s the middle of summer, even if it is…” He checked his watch, “past eleven.”

“Past eleven?” I pushed myself up. He nodded as he watched me reach into my jeans pocket.

I fished my phone out. The glow was slightly blinding, the bright numbers reading 11:28. Other than that, the screen was blank. I issued an aggravated growl as I laid back against Wonsik’s chest.

“What’s wrong?”

“We had a date scheduled.”

“Then why are you here?”

“I fell asleep. Duh. Besides, it was four and a half hours ago and he hasn’t noticed. He probably isn’t even home.”

I tried to stifle the tears growing in my eyes, but I knew he could probably feel the growing dampness on his t shirt.

“Wait, isn’t this Sunday?”

“Yep. And the day he promised he would make up missing our anniversary.”

“He never misses a Sunday. Not anymore. He always makes sure he’s out of the studio by six.”

“Well it’s not so he can come home on time. Watch.”

I lifted my phone, typing out a quick message.

> _**To: Americano With Salt  
>  Where are you?** _

I laid the phone down on my stomach. I knew there would be no reply for at least five minutes. Nearly fifteen passed in silence before the phone bleated out.

> **From: Americano With Salt  
>  Studio. Leaving soon.**
> 
> **From: Americano With Salt  
>  You know how Hakyeon gets. I love you.**

“At least he said he loves you?”

“Wonsik, you just told me that he always leaves by six on Sundays. If he’s not at work, where has he been for the last six hours?”

I hated how calm I was. _When did I turn into this girl? When did I stop fighting back?_ Wonsik absent-mindedly ran his fingers through my hair.

“What has he done to you?”

“What do you mean?”

“How are you so calm? If I were you I’d be on my way to the studio.”

“You already went to the studio for me once.”

“Yeah but if I were you I’d be standing in the studio, calling him up, asking him if he was sure he was there.”

“If you were me, you’d be used to it. You wouldn’t even bother dressing up for dates, because you’d know they would be cancelled. You’d never make dinner for more than one. You wouldn’t even remember the last time he got home before you were asleep.”

He softly pulled his nails over my scalp. I wondered if he remembered how much I liked the feeling.

“You should go home noona.”

“Why? So I can be alone?”

I felt him breathing in deeply.

“You need to talk to Taekwoon. Besides, the kittens…”

I just groaned in response. He was right, obviously. But how could I talk to Taekwoon? He wasn’t exactly a big talker. Not until things hit a boiling point. I huffed, annoyed at the entirety of my life.

His voice sounded again, “staying here definitely won’t help.”

“You don’t understand Wonsik,” I grumbled.

“Maybe not. But you and I both know you shouldn’t be here.”

“Who cares?”

* * *

My alarm went off. Blindly, I reached a hand out to silence my phone. I felt muscles move next to me.

“Why are you still here? No work?”

The muscles responded by pulling me in closer.

“Not that I don’t appreciate it Taek, but you’re late.”

“Taek?”

I froze, eyes blasting open. This was not my shared bedroom with Taekwoon. That was not the voice of Taekwoon.

“Wonsik?”

“Don’t worry. Nothing happened. You drank all of my wine. I couldn’t let you drive, so I just moved you from the sofa.”

I sat up, panic setting in. I noticed I was fully dressed and turned to my phone. There were two hours yet until my shift started. More importantly than that however, the grand total of messages from Taekwoon was zero. I dropped the phone onto the mattress, wanting nothing to do with it.

“He didn’t go home last night.”

I leaned forward, my elbows on my knees, staring into empty space. I felt Wonsik move behind me. I thought he was going to pull me to him again. He must have learned more self-control since I had last seen him though. He settled to a sitting position behind me, leaning his weight on one arm.

“How do you know?”

“As much as he avoids talking, I’m betting he would still say something if he came home to an empty apartment,” I leaned back against him.

* * *

> **From: Jungsu  
>  Your silent guardian is here.**
> 
> **From: Jungsu  
>  He was here before I even got here.**
> 
> **From: Jungsu  
>  What’s going on?**

I stared at my phone as Wonsik drove me to work.

“You should probably drop me off a block or two away.”

Wonsik nodded his understanding. Five minutes later, he pulled into a parking space around a corner and a block away from the shop.

“Thank you Wonsik,” I put my hand on the door handle.

“Hold on,” Wonsik put a hand on mine, reaching his other back to his back seat. He pulled up a sweatshirt and handed it to me.

“Do you just keep sweatshirts back there?”

“It’s getting chilly,” he shrugged.

“Okay, well, thanks again.”

“Wait, you…” He looked nervous, licking his lips, “I miss you.” He let go of my hand, turning away from me, “you can call me… even when you’re not fighting with Leo.”

“Oh. I… Okay.”

* * *

“Jungsu-yah!”

“I’ve told you a hundred times! They’re in the second cabinet.”

I yanked open the cabinet, pulling out a folded apron. Give Jungsu an inch and he’d reorganise the entire store if I let him. Looping the apron over my head and tying it about my waist, I paused to settle my nerves a minute.

The burst of new customers had died down over the last few months. There were a few die-hard fans that would still come in for the chance at a glimpse of one of the boys, but this early in the morning the shop was only attended by old regulars.

As soon as I stood by the counter Taekwoon stood and approached. He darted a look around the shop, noting the other three customers.

“Late night?”

“A little. Went out with friends. Your regular?”

“Jungsu gave me one,” he chewed the inside of his lip, “I thought we might talk.”

“Unusual.” I hadn’t meant it to sound so bitter, but Taekwoon’s face showed that I had clearly failed.

“Taek… I didn’t mean…”

“You’re right.”

I sighed, rubbing my forehead.

“Alright, just… Wait a second.”

After a quick word with Jungsu, I waved Taekwoon to follow me into the dry cellar.

* * *

“You weren’t home last night.”

He watched me from his seat on the stairs. I settled onto a sack of dark roast, crossing my arms, shivering slightly.

“I’m surprised you noticed.”

He stood, crossing the few steps to crouch in front of me. He looked lost for a minute, like he didn’t know what to do or say.

“Yeobo. Look at me.”

I didn’t meet his eyes.

“Jagiya… I know that I… I’m not around often. But of course I noticed you were gone.”

“Right,” I looked up at him. I knew he could see the redness building in my nose, how I consciously slowed my breath before continuing.

“You only notice when I’m gone.”

“Yeobo…”

“But I notice when you’re gone too. And we have friends in common. Friends that actually talk to me.”

“What are you…”

“You always leave the studio by six on Sundays. You leave work by six, text me telling me that you’re still working at nine, and come home after I’m asleep.”

Silence settled when I finished talking. I felt like I was in a vacuum. He obviously didn’t know what to say. He knew he had to say something though.

“Aega… I love you. You know I love you.”

I nodded glumly. He knelt, wedging himself between my knees. Reaching up, he smoothed my hair back.

“I can’t explain it right now, but please trust me.”

I wasn’t looking at him anymore. I made a conscious effort to stop myself from leaning into his touch.

“How can I trust you? You keep lying to me.”

There was a knock on the door at the top of the stairs.

“First crowd should be here in ten minutes,” Jungsu called down.

I quickly wiped at my eyes. Taekwoon pulled my lips to his, not knowing any other way make me feel better.

“Yeobo… I’m sorry for lying. I’ll explain as soon as I can. Yah, yeobo, please don’t cry any more.” He wiped away the dampness on my cheeks, “I won’t lie anymore. I just… I’ll figure this out, okay?”

I pushed him back slightly, standing up and smoothing out my apron.

“I don’t know if I want the truth.”

He tilted his head, the question clear in the dip of his brow.

“Because I can still pretend.”

* * *

“He didn’t even ask you where you were?”

I leaned back, draining my third bottle of cider. Or was it the fourth? Gayoung and Areum were staring at me, not sure whether or not believe what I had just told them about Taekwoon’s behaviour.

“So… Was it…” Areum scraped her teeth over her nails, not sure about broaching the subject.

“What happened with Wonsik?” Gayoung to the rescue.

“I just got drunk and cried. Like a real grown up would.”

“And crying means you can’t go home because…?”

“Because it’s exhausting to cry, so I fell asleep. Also I was drunk. Nothing happened.”

“Yah, Gayoung, don’t give unnie that look! She just wanted someone to talk to.”

I nodded, agreeing with the younger woman.

“I say you break up with him.”

“Gayoung!”

“He’s lying to her! If Hongbin was missing for hours and lying about where he was, you would just stay?”

“She needs to talk to him.”

The two argued between themselves. They hardly noticed when I stood to get another drink from the bar.

* * *

“Noona? I thought you couldn’t come tonight.”

I looked up from my shot glass to see Jaehwan approaching.

“Jae… Hi. What do you mean?”

“Leo-hyung said you two wouldn’t make it,” he stood on his tip toes, looking around. “Where is he?”

“Not here. What are you doing here?”

“Man, you gotta let him out more often. Especially if you’re going to come out anyway.”

“Jae, this might be the alcohol talking, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

He rolled his eyes and grabbed my wrist. I stumbled against him as he pulled me up from my seat.

“Sorry, sorry. I think I’ve drank…”

He turned, a frown creasing his face. He put his hands on my shoulders to steady me, bending to look me in the face.

“Uwa… Noona how drunk are you?”

“I’m… I need to…” I cupped my hand over my eyes, trying to make the room stand still. I felt Jaehwan’s hand grip my waist tightly, offering me some more structural support. He started guiding me around the edge of the dance floor.

“Where’s Leo?”

“I don’t know.”

“Then you’re coming with me. You’re too drunk to be left alone.”

“I’m not. Gayoung and Areum…”

“Alright. I’ll get them in a minute.”

“But…”

“Shush. Just sit here. Hyung? Can you…”

I felt an exchange of hands on my body. After being guided to a seat, I heard a quiet conversation near me. I lowered my hand to risk a glance around. Jaehwan was talking to Hakyeon next to me, Sanghyuk was across the table from me. Sanghyuk offered me a small wave hello. I nodded to him. Immediately regretting that decision, I raised my hand to my eyes again.

I felt warmth on the seat next to me. Hakyeon’s voice sounded.

“Where’s Leo?”

“I don’t fucking know,” I snapped. “Sorry, I just… I don’t know where he is.”

“But he said…”

“Hyung… Don’t,” Sanghyuk interrupted.

“What don’t? He should be here. I’m going to call him.”

“Hyung, seriously, don’t. He’s busy.”

I hiccuped a  ~~laugh~~  snort.

“Where is he then?” Hakyeon demanded.

“I don’t know if…”

“Don’t hold back on my account Hyukkie,” I lowered my hand again, staring at the young boy. “I’d love to know what’s so important to my boyfriend as well.”

“See?” Hakyeon started, “even she came to your birthday but Leo and Hongbin didn’t?”

“It’s your birthday?”

“What?” Hakyeon looked startled.

“It’s my birthday in a few days.”

“Aish! I’m sorry, I should go.” I tried to stand, but Hakyeon wouldn’t let me out of his range.

“Oh no, you are not going back out there in that state.”

I considered arguing, but ultimately decided to sit back down again. I’d just keep quiet about Taekwoon and I since this was apparently Sanghyuk’s birthday. I could put my shit on hold for that.


	11. Cafe Au Lait: 6

Jaehwan returned with Areum and Gayoung in tow. Hakyeon and Sanghyuk played perfect hosts to the girls. Jaehwan made his way to my side. He made sure to keep my water glass full, continuously asking me if I needed anything.

“Aigo… It’d be better if Leo-hyung was here. I’m sure he knows what you need.”

“Jae, can we please talk about literally anything else?”

He shot a quick glance at the others, then slid closer, putting a hand around my shoulders.

“Why?” He smiled, leaning in conspiratorially, “is he… Did you two…”

“Don’t get so excited. We didn’t break up.”

“I wasn’t excited!”

“Yet.”

Jaehwan stared at me for a good thirty seconds before saying anything.

“Is it really that bad?”

I groaned, leaning my head against his shoulder. He tapped my shoulder with his fingertips impatiently.

“Noona?”

“When does he leave the studio on Sunday?”

“Sunday? He’s usually leaves around six I think.”

“Is the studio hours away from our apartment?”

“I could make it in about twenty minutes, if the traffic was good.”

“So why is he never home until after two?”

“Oh.”

He squeezed me tighter against him. I blinked furiously, determined not to break down in public, no matter how many shots I had had.

Looking around the table, I saw that Hongbin had arrived. He was sitting with Areum on his lap, laughing at the progressively more drunk Sanghyuk trying his best pick up lines on Gayoung. I smiled, glad they were enjoying themselves.

Hakyeon kept shooting looks at Jaehwan and I. I knew how it looked. Leaning all over my boyfriend’s bandmate. I sighed and eventually hauled my head off of his shoulder.

“Where are you going?”

“Nowhere. I just… Hakyeon is visually scolding me.”

“Who cares?” He held his arm out, “you were keeping me warm.”

I laughed, then nodded towards Sanghyuk as he struck out once more.

“Cuddle up with Hyukkie then. He doesn’t seem to be having any luck.”

“Having a boy hug him isn’t going to help his pick-ups. Come here.” Jaehwan pulled me closer to him, one arm around my waist, the other brushing my hair out of the way so he could rest his head on my shoulder.

“Jae…”

“No.”

“Jae.”

“The only person who deserves to get mad isn’t here,” he spoke lowly, making sure not to be overheard. “Unless you really want me to stop, I’m not going to,” he adjusted his head, dangerously close to my neck. “Do you want me to move?”

I took a moment to think about the situation. Jaehwan was practically one of my girlfriends. Would I mind if he were a girl?

“Just, behave yourself.”

He pulled me tighter against his body as he reached for his cup. “I always behave,” he took a long sip before continuing, “in public.”

I rolled my eyes. I reminded myself that Jaehwan was mostly, if not all, talk.

We both listened to the conversation around us for a while. I let myself enjoy the physical contact.

“Noona.”

“Mm?”

“You should come out with us more.”

“Is that right?”

“Mm. You don’t come out enough.”

* * *

I hadn’t noticed Wonsik’s arrival until my phone buzzed. I opened it, seeing a picture message from him.

The picture was everyone at the table. It looked like Sanghyuk had made some progress with Gayoung, since she was now letting him drape an arm around her shoulder. Areum and Hongbin looked adorable. N was the only one smiling at the camera. Jaehwan and I looked… A lot closer than necessary.

**From: Wonsik  
Should I send it to Leo? Show him what a good time he’s missing?**

I narrowed my eyes at the phone. I glanced up at Wonsik, taking in his stiff posture and sour expression.

> _**To: Wonsik  
>  Hypocrite.** _

He messaged me back at lightning speed.

> **From: Wonsik  
>  Maybe. Come dance with me.**
> 
> _**To: Wonsik  
>  Maybe if you ask me properly.** _

“Who are you texting?” Jaehwan’s voice drifted over my shoulder and up my neck before settling in my ear.

“Some jerk, no one important.”

He re-settled his head on my shoulder, slipping the tiniest bit closer.

“Good, I want all of your attention tonight.”

“How is that different from any other time I see you?”

“Well,” he pulled me closer, nearly onto his lap. I felt his lips tickle the soft hairs on my neck, “Leo isn’t here to get angry about it.”

* * *

“Noona, can I steal you for a dance?”

Wonsik was holding a hand out towards me. He looked overly composed, his years of being an idol being put to use. I took his hand and let him pull me away from Jaehwan.

Wonsik lead me to, then through, the dance floor. He had his phone in his hand, tapping at it as he pulled me through the mass of people. He stopped once we reached the opposite wall. Looking over his shoulder once, he trapped me between the wall and his body.

“What the fuck was that?”

“Jaehwan.”

“Obviously, but you didn’t have to let him.”

“I know,” I bit my lip, “the attention is nice though. I think that’s the most I’ve been touched in months.”

Wonsik’s hands curled into fists, then relaxed.

“If you need to be touched,” he pressed his body against mine, “that’s something you should talk to Leo about.” He bent forward, taking my earlobe between his teeth. “Or me.”

“Wonsik-ah…” I barely held back a groan. He pressed closer to me, his lips running down my neck.

“You should only let me and Leo touch you.”

“Don’t get big ideas Wonsik.”

“I only get the ideas you plant,” his hands wound themselves around me, one in my hair, one around my waist. “You’re the one that gave yourself to me.”

“I’ve also taken myself away.”

“That’s the game though, isn’t it?” He pulled back to look down at me. “You give yourself to me, then go play house with an invisible man that won’t touch you. You tell me that there are boundaries that we can’t cross,” he nipped at my lip, “then search for affection.”

“Jaehwan found me,” I splayed my hand against his chest, pressing him back from me, “I didn’t go searching for anything other than another drink.”

Wonsik laughed bitterly.

“Come on, this is just like last time. You got ignored, you got drunk, you got close to someone at the bar, then,” he pulled my head to the side, biting into my neck slightly before continuing, “you **somehow**  end up in my arms.”

“Wonsik, you realise that your band is here, right?”

“What’s your point?”

“That maybe you shouldn’t be making such a public move on your hyung’s girl.”

“Unlike Ken, who can do whatever he wants to his hyung’s girl?” Despite his words, he loosed his grip on me, moving back and putting his hands on the wall again.

“Jaehwan didn’t do anything.”

“Didn’t do anything? He had his hands all over you.”

“Hey, hey,” I smoothed my hands over Wonsik’s chest, trying to relax him. “He didn’t actually do anything though. Nothing that I wouldn’t let Gayoung or Areum do.”

“Because I got there in time to stop him,” he practically whined, “you can’t be stupid enough to not see that. He was just waiting for a chance.”

“No he wasn’t. He’s like a girl to me.”

“Oh?” Wonsik pulled me off the wall, turning both of us so that his back was against the wall and my back was against him. He wrapped one arm around my waist. “So he wasn’t slowly testing his boundaries?” Wonsik slid his free hand down to my thigh as he spoke. “He wasn’t inching in to taste your skin?” He brushed his lips over my neck.

“Wonsik…”

“He can’t have you. Not like I can. Don’t let him.”

“Stop,” I pushed his hands away. Turning to face him, I crossed my arms. “You can’t do this. Especially not here.”

“Why not? Jaehwan…”

“This isn’t about Jaehwan!”

“Then what is it about?”

“I don’t know! It’s about my empty apartment! It’s about Taekwoon lying to me!” My resolve broke, I wiped at my face trying to stop the tears I felt there. “It’s about Taekwoon saying he wouldn’t lie to me any more, so now his texts say ‘I’m out’ instead of 'I’m at work’! As if that’s better!”

“Noona, yah, come here,” Wonsik’s attitude dissolved. He pulled me into a hug, “yah, you’ll be fine. Okay? Everything will be fine. I promise.”

I didn’t say anything. I just let myself be pulled into his arms. When the tears eventually stopped, we headed back towards the table. I made a quick detour to the bathroom to check my make-up. A quick fix-up and I exited, smiling when I saw that Wonsik had waited for me.

“There you go, you’re much prettier when you smile.”

I twisted my face into an exaggerated scowl. Wonsik laughed.

“Whatever you like; as long as you’re not crying, I’m happy.”

“Weird.”

“You know I wasn’t really mad before, right? I was just… like a game I guess.”

“I know the jealous game very well.”

“Come on,” he held his hand out.

* * *

The table was less crowded, but more lively, when we got back to it. Hongbin and Areum were nowhere to be seen. The rest were in a loud discussion, trying to convince Sanghyuk to ask someone to dance.

“Noonim, why won’t you just dance with me?”

“Because you lost,” Gayoung leaned back smugly, “so you have to ask a stranger.”

“Aish! How do you even do that?!”

“Like this,” I took Gayoung’s hand and pulled her up. I dropped her hand and took a step back, pretending to be shy.

“I’m Hyuk, I couldn’t help but notice you and…”

“I have a boyfriend,” Gayoung crossed her arms at me.

“Oh, well, I’m sorry…”

“No, no, no! All wrong! Noona, let me,” Jaehwan hauled himself out of the booth. He motioned for Gayoung to sit back down before turning to me. He slid close to me, placing his body between Wonsik and I. Wonsik shot me a raised eyebrow over Jaehwan’s shoulder.

“I have this spare dance, care to share it?”

I burst out laughing.

“Wow, Jae, no, that was awful!”

“Fine, fine, let me try again.”

He straightened out, rolling his shoulders a bit before he struck a casual pose. He put his hand on my forearm before making eye contact.

“Excuse me, I couldn’t help but want… No… I  **needed**  to ask you something.”

“Yes?”

“Oh wow, okay, this is going great. Alright, would you at least consider dancing with me? I’ve just, you really caught my eye and I couldn’t waste the night without…”

“Mmmm…” I made a show of mulling it over, “I don’t see the harm.”

“Really? Great!” Jaehwan turned back to Sanghyuk, “see? Just be a little humble. Let her know that she’s the one in control. She is doing you a favour. You’re not making demands. Now go!” He playfully pushed Hyuk away from the table.

Sanghyuk looked doubtful, but worked his way into the crowd anyway.

“That was very cute and inspiring,” I ruffled Jaehwan’s hair. “What are you going to tell him when it doesn’t work?”

“It always works,” his hand was still on my arm. He motioned for me to sit with him.

I ended up between Jaehwan and Wonsik. Jaehwan kept an arm over my shoulder, Wonsik kept his fingertips on the outside of my thigh. I kept reminding myself that Wonsik was the one that needed to be watched more carefully.

Gayoung kept the conversation going. She started with how she thought Sanghyuk was cute, but needed more confidence.

“He’s famous, for god’s sake, how is he so shy?!”

Hakyeon defended his maknae. Wonsik and Jaehwan talked up their pick-up tactics.

“You need to be comfortable with people, even if your heart feels like it will explode.”

“Exactly! Fake it until you make it.”

“You two are so wrong. You have to be genuine!”

“Yah, noona,” Jaehwan tugged me closer, “I’m always genuine.”

“A little too genuine, don’t you think?” Wonsik whispered in my ear. I rolled my eyes. I was going to start the game with Wonsik when Hakyeon stood abruptly, tugging on Jaehwan’s arm urgently. I followed Hakyeon’s line of sight and saw a halo of blonde hair floating towards us over the crowd. I turned to Wonsik.

“You did this, didn’t you?”

“I thought you’d be glad to see your boyfriend,” he muttered over his glass.

“You are fucking impossible to decipher, you know that?” I glanced up, watching Hakyeon bend over the table and start whispering in Jaehwan’s ear. Everyone had their secrets tonight.

“It’s either me or him,” Wonsik slid his hand onto my knee. He said it sternly, but he was obviously trying not to laugh, “I’m not letting that pool open any further.”

“Jesus you are so…”

“Yeobo.”

I stood, pushing my way past Jaehwan. Taekwoon held a hand out to help me stand. As soon as I was up, he pulled me in tightly, possessively pressing his lips to mine. I was surprised, my eyes open wide. I noted that his gaze seemed to rest on Jaehwan, or maybe Wonsik, somebody behind me.  _God damn it. This was just a fucking show of dominance._  Still… It was nice to feel his hands on me again. I closed my eyes, letting myself savour the momentary closeness. When he pulled back I smiled up at him. He didn’t return the look.

“I thought you’d be home.”

“I thought you’d be 'out’.”

A strained look shot across his face, “let’s not do this right now.”

“Not ever, apparently,” I grimaced.

He sighed as he sat down, pulling me with him. He positioned me on his lap. It was a surprising amount of skinship, but I knew it was like the kiss. He was putting on a show for his more touchy-feely band mates. I was stuck between feeling glad that he was protective and being annoyed that he was being jealous.

“I thought you hated those sort of public displays,” Hakyeon leaned forward.

“Sometimes.”

“Well I’m sure noona appreciates the gesture,” Wonsik said it lightly, carefully non-accusatory. I wanted to kick him, but the table was large enough to prevent that.

“She’s worth it,” Taekwoon started running a hand through my hair. He pulled it aside, off the shoulder in front of him. He bent his head down and softly kissed the skin there. “My yeobo is always worth it.”

“Cute,” Jaehwan smiled at us, “Hyuk will be glad to see you.”

* * *

Gayoung suddenly stood, moving past Hakyeon. She grabbed my hand, pulling me from Taekwoon’s lap.

“Excuse us for just a minute.”

She pulled me into the bathroom. She opened her purse, pulling out her make-up bag.

“Fuck Taekwoon. Here, use this,” she held eyeliner out to me. I silently followed her orders.

“Does he have some sort of sixth sense for being an asshole?” Gayoung leaned over the sink, adjusting her dress. “How did he know to show up?”

“Wonsik.”

“Fuck Wonsik. I thought he liked you anyway? Mascara too. You can tell me why you cried it off later.”

I chuckled.

“Seriously though, Taekwoon can go fuck himself. He was off doing who knows what, not a fucking care in the world about you,” she was digging through her make-up bag again, “then he decides show up when he feels like his claim on you is threatened? That’s fucked up. Here,” she held out a tube of bright orangey-red lipstick.

“Gayoung…”

“Just fucking wear it.”

“But my dress…”

“Right. Hold on…” Gayoung returned to her search. She also returned to her rant.

“Like he doesn’t have the time of day for you until someone else does. He can’t spare a minute until someone else offers an hour? Fuck him,” she came up with another lipstick tube, this one a faintly purple tinted red.

“How do you fit all that shit in there?”

“I’m a slutty Mary Poppins, now let’s gooo!”

* * *

As soon as I was done with the lipstick, and Gayoung was done repacking her purse, she pulled me out of the bathroom. Instead of directing me back to the table, she dragged me to the dance floor. She grinned at me, pointing at something. I saw Sanghyuk dancing with a girl.

“Come on,” Gayoung called into my ear, “we need to save him.”

_Save him?_  He seemed fine. Nonetheless, Gayoung grabbed my arm and pulled me with her. She approached the couple.

I could barely make out what she was saying to Hyuk. It didn’t seem that nice. I was sure I caught “you can do better than that” in it. I felt embarrassed for the girl. I especially felt bad when Sanghyuk acquiesced to Gayoung’s bullying, dropping his hands from the girl’s waist.

Gayoung positioned herself in the girl’s place, gesturing for me to join them. She pulled me against her chest.

“Loosen up will you?”

“Taekwoon…”

“Needs to learn the value of what he has,” she wrapped her arms around my neck, bending forward slightly. I couldn’t help but smile when I noticed Sanghyuk’s eyes drop to the newly presented view of Gayoung’s rear pressing against his groin.

I spoke in her ear, “be nice to Hyukkie.”

“I am being nice. I can feel just how nice I’m being to him.”

“Gross.”

We both laughed. After a song Gayoung turned between us, looping her arms up around my neck again. Leaning against me, I heard her whine.

“Sanghyukkiiiiee…”

He nodded.

“I need you to guard my precious dongsaeng for a minute.”

Sanghyuk looked at me, I rolled my eyes at him.

“Will you keep on eye on her, Sanghyuk?”

“Uh, ah, sure?”

Gayoung bounced off in the direction of the bar. Sanghyuk looked at me doubtfully.

I leaned in to speak to him.

“I don’t need a supervisor.”

“I know, I’m just wondering why she thought you did.”

We naturally fell into the rhythm of the music around us.

“She’s mad at Taekwoon.”

“I… Don’t get it.”

“What’s to get? It’s a girl thing.”

“No, I mean… Why hyung won’t just tell you.”

I reacted poorly. I raised a hand to the back of his neck, pulling him closer so I could hear him over the music.

“Tell me what?”

“Why he’s so busy.”

“Why is he busy?”

“Noonaaa…” Sanghyuk whined slightly.

“Where does he go after work?”

“Noona, please… I promised hyung…”

“Sanghyuk! Do you know what it’s like?”

He didn’t respond.

“I work. I go home. I feed the cats. I make dinner, and always put half of it in the fridge because I already know he isn’t coming home.”

“Noona…”

“He texts me saying he’ll be late. I go to bed. I wake up at one, or two, or three in the morning, whenever it is that I feel his body hit the mattress.”

“I can’t noona…”

“I used to try to get close to him. But now I know better. I know that Taek doesn’t want me to touch him. He sleeps as far away from me as possible, and is usually gone before I wake up.”

Hyuk didn’t say anything.

“You know what he tells me when I ask for an explanation?”

He shook his head.

“That he was  **out**. That’s it. That’s all I get. He doesn’t even bother to try reassuring me any more.”

We fell into silence, bodies on musical autopilot.

“It’s not what you think.”

“Then what is it?”

“Noonim…”

“Here, you guys dropped these.”

Gayoung had returned from the bar, a shot glass in either hand. I raised an eyebrow at her.

“Where’s yours?”

“Drank it at the bar. I couldn’t carry three.”

“I don’t know if I should…”

“You haaaaaave to. It’s Hyukkie’s birthday!“

I rolled my eyes, but swallowed the liquid, knowing Gayoung wouldn’t let it rest until I did.

"Awesome! Now let’s find you a dance partner. Time to really drive Taekwoon crazy!”

“Noona!” Sanghyuk was obviously distraught by her suggestion. “Why?”

“Why not? It’s not like Taekwoon is going to dance with her anyway.”

“Well obviously, he’s not even here.”

“Actually…” Gayoung left the sentence trailing.

“What?! Gayoung you are too much! Come on.”

* * *

Sanghyuk grabbed my hand and pulled me back towards the table. Gayoung followed behind us, protesting until the last second. Taekwoon took my hand and pulled me to his side again as soon as I was within reach.

“Hyung! I’m glad you two could make it,” he was smiling a little too tightly, “Noona just told me you were here.”

“Mm, sorry I’m late Hyukkie,” he leaned down as if he was kissing my cheek. He whispered instead, “do we need to talk about Sanghyuk?”

I wrapped an arm around his waist, but stayed silent. I knew that if I initiated skinship that it might relax him a bit. Tilting my head up, I perked my lips at him, obviously asking for a kiss. As Taekwoon obliged me, I heard a slight snort from the table. Probably Wonsik.  _Fuck him_.

“You taste like alcohol.”

“We did birthday shots,” Gayoung interjected. Taekwoon nodded and turned back to me.

“I don’t like when you get so drunk. I worry.”

“I’m fine. I was a little tipsy earlier but Ja… I drank a lot of water.” He kept scowling down at me, so I ran my hands to smooth over his shirt, hoping to relax him.

“I’m fine. Besides, I’m with all these people. You worry too much, yeon-in.”

His muscles seemed to relax slightly at my use of the pet name. I smiled up at him. Sitting down again, he pulled me back to his lap.

“It’s my job to worry about you.”

“Yah, hyung, you know that none of us would let her get in trouble,” Hongbin pointed out, “but I’m sure Hyuk is glad you made it out here.”

* * *

The atmosphere eventually relaxed a little, though Gayoung and Wonsik kept sending glares at me every once in a while. Gayoung kept indicating the dance floor with her eyes. I wasn’t sure what she was trying to say. She showed no signs of stopping though, so I took a chance.

“Jagiyaaa~~…” I tried to make my voice as cute as possible, “let’s go dance.”

“No, let’s stay here.”

I pouted but fell silent. I knew he didn’t like dancing, but I really was getting bored with just sitting there like a lapdog.

“Hyung, just dance for a little while,” Sanghyuk pleaded on my behalf, “anyone can tell she’s getting bored.”

“I’m tired,” his voice was flat, offering no leeway for argument.

“Fine, I’ll dance with you noona.”

Jaehwan stood and grabbed my hand as he moved past, pulling me off of Taekwoon’s lap and onto the dance floor.

“You didn’t have to do that,” I pointed out as our bodies fell into rhythm. We were face to face, facilitating conversation.

“I know, but you weren’t the only one tired of them. What’s with Gayoung and Wonsik anyway?”

“Nothing that I know of. I think this is the first time Wonsik has even met her.”

“No, I mean those looks they were giving you.”

“Oh, oh, well… They don’t really… Taekwoon and I…”

I was cut off by Jaehwan’s finger on my lips.

“Say no more. Hyung is…” He paused his movements to think, “difficult.”

“More like impossible.”

“Ah, he’s a good guy though. He tries really hard.”

“Mm,” I didn’t want to talk about Taekwoon. Jaehwan had other ideas though.

“Is he not a good guy? I know you two had that misunderstanding while we were on the European tour, but he…”

“Jaehwaaan… Please.”

He nodded and smiled. Pulling me in closer, he fell silent, letting me forget for at least a little while.


	12. Cafe Au Lait: 7

**This chapter contains violence and implied sexual assault.**

* * *

I hadn’t realised how long we had been there. I mean, I knew that Gayoung, Areum, and I had gotten there super early at 19:30, but it was nearly 04:00 by the time Taekwoon and I got home.

He was angry again. Angry that I had been drunk, angry that I had danced, angry about every time someone had pointed out that he didn’t need to worry.

“They don’t need to look after you! I do!”

“They just meant there was no problem. They…”

“Am I that incompetent?! My friends have to watch over you because I can’t possibly do it, right?!”

“Yeon-in…” I sat on the sofa, preparing myself to wait until he ran out of energy.

“Or would you prefer it if they took care of you?! You seem to have expanded your net to catch Hyuk as well!”

“This again?!”

“Yes this again! Why wouldn’t it be this again?! It’s one thing to need attention when I’m not around! I get that! I get that sometimes you need to feel appreciated and I’m not good at that!” He was raving, wildly motioning with his arms, pacing back and forth. “I’m trying to deal with it because it’s important for you! But I was right there! You were literally on my lap! How much closer could I have been?! And you still went and started touching another man! Right in front of me! I’m not an idiot you know!”

“Gayoung…”

“Gayoung is another thing! I don’t want you hanging around girls like that! It’s no wonder you’re acting like some whore when your best friend is one of the biggest sluts I’ve ever seen!” He punctuated the sentence by lashing out at the coffee table, shattering the glass top.

“Yah! Taekwoon!” I stood up, staring at him.

“What?! Am I wrong?! For all I know you’re both in on it! I bet Hyuk just loved that, right?! Which of your names did he call when he came?!”

I headed towards the bedroom, Taekwoon’s voice following after me.

“Or was it with Jaehwan?! Or Wonsik?! Or have you two made the full rounds?! Who tasted better?! Who’s got the biggest dick in VIXX?!”

I unlocked my phone and dialled before starting to pack a bag. He picked up on the second ring.

> “Yeoboseyo?”
> 
> “Can you come get me?”
> 
> “Are you sure?” That wasn’t his real question.
> 
> “Jungsu is taking care of Gayoung right now, Gayoung is being taken care of, and Areum is with Hongbin. Who else am I going to call?” Taekwoon had started trying to to open the door as I spoke, pounding on it. I was glad that I had given Jungsu’s old key to Wonsik.
> 
> “What’s that noise?”
> 
> “He’s trying to…”

“Let me in! You can’t throw me out of my own house again! I won’t let you give up on…”

> “… open the bedroom door.”
> 
> “I’m on my way. Is the code the same?”

* * *

After I hung up I started packing in earnest, trying to block out the things that Taekwoon was shouting through the door. I was careful to leave anything that he had ever given me out of the bag. I sighed as I unclipped my necklace, bracelets, and earrings before leaving them on the dresser. There was no denying that he had good taste when it came to apologies.

I looked at the pieces, remembering why I had gotten each one. The earrings were from when he missed a birthday party that I had thrown for him. The necklace was from when he missed my birthday. One bracelet each for another one of my birthdays, a Christmas, and two anniversaries. As I looked at them I realised that I had always been fighting a losing battle. Obviously his priorities were set, and I was nowhere near that list.

I was in the bathroom when the door frame splintered. He had finally gotten inside. I quickly locked the bathroom door as well.

“Yeobo?!”  _Jesus, did he even know my name anymore?_

“I’m not coming out until you calm down!”

“I am calm. I promise. Just… let’s talk about this yeobo.”

“I told you I can’t live with someone I’m scared of.”

“You don’t have to be scared of me.”

“Go take a look in the living room and try to tell me that.”

“I… I know jagi. But that… I’d never do that to you. That’s just furniture. Aega… Jagi… Just come out so we can talk.”

I cautiously opened the door a crack. Taekwoon was sitting on the edge of the bed, head in his hands. When he looked up I could see his eyes were red and tired looking.

“Yeobo…”

“I’m not sleeping here tonight. Probably not tomorrow either.”

“It’s fine. It’s okay. Go for as long as you need to. I messed up.”

“Alright.”

I started packing again. When I pulled out a second bag to fill, Taekwoon landed on his knees next to me.

“What are you doing?”

“Packing.”

“Why so much?”

“So that I have everything I need.”

“I only needed one bag.”

“I’ll be gone longer.”

He watched in silence for a while.

“Yeobo…”

“Yes?”

“Where are you going?”

“I’m not sure yet.”

“Then stay. Just for tonight.”

“I can’t. I already called someone to come get me.”

“Who?”

I turned to look at him. I didn’t answer until I turned back to my bag.

“One of my friends.”

“Gayoung?”

“She’s too drunk.”

“Areum?”

“She’s with Hongbin tonight.”

“Jungsu?”

“Taking care of Gayoung.”

“Then who did you… Yeobo!”

He grabbed my hands, making me drop the shirt I had been folding. I was pulled towards the bed and pushed down onto it. Taekwoon stood in front of me, arms crossed.

“Who did you call?”

“Wonsik,”  _no point in lying._

“Wons… So it’s true then.”

“Taek… Don’t start,” I rubbed my a hand over my face, not caring if my makeup smeared, “everyone else was busy.”

“You think you’re going to run away to another man?”

“It’s not like that.”

“You’re damn right it’s not like that!” He shoved my shoulder so that I laid back. I was shocked that he had dared to touch me right now. If there was one thing I knew about him, it was that he was careful after a fight.

He pulled his shirt off, then started on his belt.

“Taekwoon-ah…”

“There is no way I’m going to let him take you from me!”

He knelt on the bed, making me reflexively move back. One hand reached out and held me in place as he leaned down to kiss me. I pushed against his chest as hard as I could, eventually making him pull back.

“Taekwoon! This is a mistake!”

“How is this…”

I slid back, then off the other side of the bed, as quickly as possible.

“Do you really think this is the way to prove I should stay?”

“Nothing else gets through to girls like you.”

“ **What?!** ”

“A slut like you will always go where you think the best sex is,” he was across the bed now, standing in front of me. “I just have to prove to you that you can’t get anything better from Wonsik.”

“That makes zero sense!”

“Hush aega,” he pressed his palm over my mouth, pushing me against the wall, “I think I know what I need to do. Have I been too gentle?” He slid his hand down to my throat, his other starting to pull my dress up.

“You didn’t want me to make love to you, you wanted me to fuck you, right yeobo?”

I didn’t even recognise him anymore. I had never seen that look on his face outside of a fight. I tried shaking my head, but his hand was too tight.

“Don’t lie to me yeobo. It’s obvious that’s why you keep going to Wonsik.”

His hand was definitely too tight. I didn’t know how tight this sort of thing was supposed to be, but this was definitely too much. I was beginning to see violet and yellow star bursts in my eyes. I lifted my hands to try to pry his free.

“No yeobo, bad girls don…”

The rushing sound in my ears drowned him out. There were more star bursts than actual vision now. I was aware that my body was moving, but I wasn’t sure how. All of my senses were either overloaded or numbed.

* * *

I opened my eyes but was blinded by bright lights and whiteness. I quickly shut them again.

“… to rest. When she wakes up…”

I could barely hear the a voice I didn’t recognise. Listening was too hard though, so I fell back asleep.

* * *

The next time I opened my eyes it was darker. The lights were off, the only illumination coming from a small window in a door. There was a dark shape leaning against my thigh. It was warm, and heavy, and attached to a large shape that seemed to spill off the edge of the bed.

_Bed._

_Who’s bed?_

I tried looking around but my entire neck felt sore. I shut my eyes at the pain. _Okay, no neck then._ I lifted an arm and reached out to feel the shape on my thigh. It was fuzzy. No, not fuzzy, hairy. The hairy shape moved under my fingertips.

“Noona?”

_Noona… That’s me I guess… But who was saying it? Why wasn’t my brain working?_  I opened my eyes again. The dark shape was closer now.

“Don’t wear yourself out. Okay? You’re in the hospital.”

_Why was I in the hospital?_

“Why?” Was all I could manage. My throat felt awful.

“Don’t try talking yet. I brought you here. I’m sorry noona,” the dark shape leaned forward, resting on my stomach. It was shaking slightly.

_Person. It was a person._  My brain finally pulled that much up. _A person I knew. A person younger than me. A man younger than me._  I realised the man was talking again.

“… before anything worse happened. I’ll make sure he can’t find you. He’ll never see you again. I promise.”

_Make sure who couldn’t find me? Why was I here?_  I couldn’t make sense of anything, and it was way too dark to see anything. I reached out to the shape, the man’s head, and felt it. Short hair, shorter on the sides than the top. Smooth. Smoother than mine.

I carefully traced my fingertips down the side of the face. Smooth skin, high and broad cheekbones. A hand covered mine, pulling it to slightly chapped lips. I couldn’t make out who it was.

“I’ll stay here.”

I tried to pull him closer, more clearly into my field of vision. My eyes were taking forever to adjust to the low light. He must have caught on to what I was trying to do.

“It’s me. It’s Wonsik.”

_Wonsik? But where was Taekwoon?_

“Do you not remember? You got in a fight with Leo.”

I’ve been in a lot of fights with Taekwoon. That didn’t explain why I was…

“He… Well I’m not a hundred percent sure what he was trying to do. You called me to come pick you up. Do you remember any of this?”

It seemed familiar. Like something I had read in a book though, not something that had happened to me. I tried to nod, but my neck prevented it.

“Aish! Sorry, sorry. Just give me a thumbs up if you remember any of it.”

I did so, but then flattened my hand, twisting it back and forth by my wrist.

“Only a little? Okay. It’s okay. They gave you some heavy medication. We can talk about it later okay? You should get more sleep. I’ll stay here.”

* * *

“Your larynx and trachea were under a lot of pressure,” the doctor explained, showing me an MRI scan, “but neither were fully crushed. Luckily, whoever attacked you let go when you passed out instead of continuing.”

I nodded.

“It will be sore for a few days, and your voice will sound like you got a bad flu. As for the marks,” she grimaced, “well, there’s not much to be done. They’ll dissipate in their own time. Until then, maybe a light scarf or collared shirts would do if you feel the need to cover them.”

She pulled a stool up to the bed and sat down, laying her clipboard on the bed.

“We’re going to discharge you into your friend’s care, but I want you to take my card,” she dug a card out of her front pocket. “I know it’s difficult to talk about these kinds of things. And you might feel like the police won’t be able to help you, but you can call me if anything comes up. Alright?”

I nodded again.

“Alright, I’ll let your friend back in.”

* * *

“How?” The doctor hadn’t lied about the sore throat. I tried to keep my sentences short.

“Well… I kind of went over when Taekwoon was at work. I hope it’s okay?”

“Yes,” I smiled. The three young cats were cuddled around Chartreuse. I was glad they were here. I had worried about them while I was in the hospital. If Taekwoon had no problem hurting me, what was to stop him from hurting them?

“I’m glad Chartreuse likes them. That would have been a whole other problem.”

“Thanks.”

“Of course. Come on, sit down. I’ll make you something to eat.”

* * *

> _“Areum lives in one room, and Gayoung has a roommate. You’re staying here until you find a place.”_
> 
> _“No. This is way too small.”_
> 
> _“Too expensive.”_
> 
> _“Too close to Taekwoon’s. What if you ran into him at the store or something?”_
> 
> _“Too far from my place. I have to keep an eye on you.”_
> 
> _“Water damage. Might be mould in the walls.”_
> 
> _“Bad neighbourhood.”_

A thousand apartments, a thousand reasons I couldn’t get any of them. I knew what he was doing, and he knew I was letting him.


	13. Cafe Au Lait: 8

“Doesn’t that kind of prove Taekwoon right?”

“Who cares? It’s over between us. He can think whatever he wants.”

I had been staying at Wonsik’s for nearly a month. It was a matter of practicality, really. Areum didn’t agree.

“He’s a mess without you, you know.”

“Areum!” Jungsu yelled, “don’t you have to go do something on the other side of the shop?”

Areum shot a chastened look at Jungsu and hurried away.

“Aish! Don’t listen to her. It doesn’t matter what’s going on with Taekwoon. He deserves to be a mess.”

“Maybe I should text him. Just see if he’s…”

Jungsu lunged forward, his hand diving into my apron pocket. He plucked my phone out and took the battery out. Handing my my phone back, he held the battery up.

“You can have this back when Wonsik picks you up. Maybe.”

“Jungsu-ah!”

“No! It’s for your own good and you know it!”

“Jungsu!”

“Nope. Oh look,” there was the tinkling of the bell over the door, “a customer.”

I rolled my eyes and turned to the front counter.

* * *

“She really said that?! Didn’t you tell her what happened?” Wonsik looked furious.

“Well, not all of it. I didn’t want Hongbin to find out and for it to turn into a big thing! Wonsik,” I cuddled in closer to him on the sofa, “is he really not doing well?”

“What do you care? After he hurt you like that… Aish!” He turned his head to look resolutely away from me.

“Wonsiiiikaaahh~…” I turned and sat up facing him, trying to get his attention with aegyo.

After I made a few faces I saw his mouth twitch, the barest hint of a smile. I inched forward.

“Raviii~~…”

He but his lip to stop from smiling, and a redness started climbing his cheeks.

“Oppa~~~…”

He finally faced me.

“What do you want? You’re such a pain.”

“Tell me,” I pouted.

Wonsik groaned and pulled forward, leaning against him.

“You can’t call me Ravi and oppa and then want to talk about your ex. That’s no fair.”

“Just tell me. Tell me and then I’ll leave you alone.”

“And if I don’t?”

“Mmm… I’ll go move into that place that you said was owned by gangsters and drug dealers.”

“I’ll tie you up before you can do that.”

“I’ll bite through the ropes.”

“I’ll use chains.”

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep, Ravi.”

He had been smiling before, our exchange of threats being a game. Now his face went blank and beet red.

“Aish! Fine… He lost weight, and he hardly talks. He stopped coming to practise at the beginning, but N-hyung sorted him out. He still refuses to speak to me, and only recently started talking to Ken.”

“Mm… That sounds like him. Is he generally okay though?”

“Noona… It’s not your job to take care of him.”

“But what if…”

“No. Stop.”

“But…”

“No.”

“Wonsik…”

“Don’t make me gag you.”

“You won’t.”

“You think I won’t? I’ll use the hand towel from the kitchen!”

“Promise?”

“Aish! You are… I can’t… You… I’m going to bed!” He pushed himself up from the sofa and stormed off to his room. I had tears in my eyes from laughing by the time his bedroom door shut.

* * *

“Sapporo?” I stared at Wonsik across the table of the small restaurant.

“Yes,” his head was down.

“For a week?”

“Yes.”

“And the whole band is going?”

“Yes,” he still refused to look up.

“Huh,” I leaned back, nodding. “Have fun.”

“I’m sorry xodó… Wait!” Wonsik’s head shot up, “you don’t seem as upset as I expected.”

“Why would I be upset?”

“I’ll be gone for a whole week. You’ll be at home, alone, without me, at night, for a week.”

“So? That just means I can throw a party in an idol’s apartment.”

“Aish…” He frowned, “you could at least pretend that you’ll miss me.”

I tilted my head and leaned forward.

“Is that why you brought me out here? You thought I’d be upset?”

“No. I just… I kind of…”

“You were trying to butter me up with food,” I sat back and crossed my arms. “Well it was unnecessary. Go. Have fun. Maybe you’ll meet a cute cordi-noona.”

* * *

“Are you going to call me every night?”

“Of course. I need to make sure you’re okay.”

I laid back on the guest bed that had “temporarily” become mine.

“I’m fine.”

“Are you sure?”

“I’m fiiiine Wonsik!”

“Good.”

I rolled onto my stomach as Chartreuse jumped up to lay next to me.

“How did it go today?”

“We did a photo shoot. The photographer was really good.”

“Was she cute? Did you get her number?”

“The photographer is a man.”

“Maybe you should give him my number then.”

“Xodó, don’t joke like that, okay?”

“What do you mean?”

“Don’t give your number to any other men.”

“Why not? It’s been a while. I’ve been single long enough.”

“Fine. You’re not single anymore.”

“Where would I have found a boyfriend?”

“Aish… Don’t be an idiot. Go to bed.”

He hung up before I could respond. I smiled and couldn’t help blushing.

* * *

> **From: Wonsik  
>  I can’t call tonight. Is that okay?**

I tapped my phone against my lips as I thought. There was just something about his earnestness that made me want to tease him.

> _**To: Wonsik  
>  It’s fine. I’m out, so I can’t really talk anyway.** _

“Who’s texting you so late?” Gayoung asked.

“A boy.”

“Don’t text him back,” Jungsu interjected.

“Why?”

“You should only text men.”

“I guess I need to stop texting you then.”

Gayoung burst out laughing and Jungsu pouted.

“I’ll be back. This round is mine, right?”

I made my way to the bar, a little uncomfortable in the outrageously high heels that Gayoung had lent me. I was grateful for an open stool when I arrived at the bar.

“Three please, thank you.”

I waited patiently. It wasn’t so busy, since it was only a Thursday, but there was a fair number of people there. I watched Gayoung and Jungsu at the table. She was laughing and he had his Disney eyes on. They had been friends even longer than I had known Jungsu, but he still couldn’t tell her how he felt. I reflected on the many shifts I had spent consoling him.

My phone vibrated. Wonsik’s face flashed across the screen.

> “I thought you said you couldn’t call?”
> 
> “I thought you said you couldn’t talk?”
> 
> “Well I am out, I can only talk for a second before the round gets here. What’s up?”
> 
> “Who are you out with?”
> 
> I wanted to make a joke about a date, but I decided to be nice. The poor man had been up since god knows when.
> 
> “Jungsu and Gayoung.”
> 
> “Mm… Good. That will make this easier. They’ve been friends for a long time, right?”
> 
> “More than fifteen years.”
> 
> “You think Jungsu should tell her, right?”
> 
> “Yes.”
> 
> “You don’t think it would ruin their friendship?”
> 
> “Mm… I think Jungsu should live without regret. If she accepts him, good. If she rejects him, he can move on. But they’ll always be friends. Why do you ask?”
> 
> “We’re friends, right?”
> 
> “Yes.”
> 
> “I should live without regret, right?”
> 
> “Of course.”
> 
> “Noona… You and I-”
> 
> I heard a squeal and Wonsik groan. It was followed closely by a clattering noise, a noise I now recognised from the many times Wonsik had dropped the phone. Then, faintly in the background I heard Jaehwan’s voice.
> 
> “Who are you talking to so late? Is it a girlfriend?”
> 
> “Ken! No it’s… Get off… Where’s my phone?!”
> 
> “I think it fell over there.”
> 
> “Where?”

The bar tender returned with the drinks. I paid and hung up the phone.

> _**To: Wonsik  
>  I hope you find your phone. I had to go. We can talk tomorrow.** _

* * *

The next day, Wonsik stuck to texts.

> **From: Wonsik  
>  How’s the hangover?**
> 
> _**To: Wonsik  
>  No such thing. What did you want to talk about last night?** _
> 
> **From: Wonsik  
>  We can talk when I get back. Stay out of trouble, okay?**
> 
> _**To: Wonsik  
>  When have I ever gotten in trouble?** _
> 
> **From: Wonsik  
>  I do not have nearly enough time to answer that.**
> 
> _**To: Wonsik  
>  No goodnight phone call?** _
> 
> **From: Wonsik  
>  Don’t you know that distance makes the heart grow fonder?**
> 
> _**To: Wonsik  
>  Good. You need all the help you can get ㄱㅇㄱ** _

* * *

I was barely keeping sleep at bay, curled up on the sofa next to Chartreuse. The three younger cats were spread out through the apartment doing their own thing.

The door was so quiet that I completely missed it being open and shut. I remained entirely unaware of the sixth entity in the house until I was being hauled up from the sofa and into a hug.

“Wonsik… Can’t breath…”

Wonsik’s head was buried deep in my neck, muffling his voice.

“Xodó… I missed you. I missed you so much,” he pulled back, reaching up to fix my hair, “I am never leaving you for more than a day again.”

_Awkward._ I tried to fight the blush creeping across my cheeks.

“Nerd.”

“I’m serious,” his hands were on my cheeks now, holding my face so he could examine me. “I want you to always be with me.”

“Well, you’re in luck,” I removed his hands from my face, “I still haven’t found an apartment.”

I tried to step away, but Wonsik quickly swooped to pull me back into his arms.

“I have so much to tell you. Come on.”

He walked me into his bedroom. After picking up Seonjam and putting her in the hall he shut the door. I watched him as he flopped onto his bed.

“Well?”

Wonsik lifted his arms towards me, making grabbing motions with his hands.

“Come here. I’m tired. Come lay with me while I talk, okay?”

I laid on the bed next to him. We were sprawled side by side. I told myself that I had no idea what he wanted to talk about.

“I want you to stay here.”

I turned my head to look at him, my eyes meeting his. I smiled.

“Well, you’ve ruined my standards for apartments, so you might be stuck with me anyway.”

Wonsik rolled onto his side, resting his head on his hand. He licked his lips before responding.

“You know what I mean. I know that you understand what I’m trying to say.”

“Wonsik…”

“But,” he draped his arm over my body, “I’ve been there through the years.” He pulled me closer to his body, “I know that it’s important for me to actually say it. To prove that…”

“Wonsik don’t…”

I was tucked into his chest. He dropped his head to brush his lips over my forehead.

“I love you.”

“Wonsiiiiik…” I squirmed in his arms. He pulled back to look down at me, face something close to unreadable. Worried? Maybe. I opened my mouth, which triggered his into action.

“I… You… I know you might not love me, but I want you to stay here. To live here. With me. I want you to actually live with me. Not just be a long-term guest, or a roommate. I want us to live together. I want us to be together.”

“Wonsik…” I didn’t know what to say. I joked around about needing to find a boyfriend pretty often, but this was Wonsik. This was my ex’s coworker. My ex’s best friend. My ex’s bandmate. “VIXX…”

“We don’t have to tell them. We don’t have to tell anyone. I just want us to be…  **Us**.  **We**  can live together, with  **our**  cats, in  **our**  apartment. Us, together.”

“They’d have to know eventually. You can’t lie to them forever. We…” I stumbled, trying to regain my grasp on my sentence before he could…

“We?”

“ **You** ,” I stressed, “can’t hide it forever. Stop smiling!”

Wonsik wasn’t smiling, he was all out beaming. He leaned over me, his feet wiggling excitedly.

“You were going to say  **we**  can’t hide it forever.  **We** , like you and me, right?”

“It was a mistake.”

“I don’t think it was. I think you like me.”

“Wonsiiiiik.”

“You like me, don’t you? Be honest.”

“I can’t.”

“Then say the opposite of what’s honest,” he winked at me.  _This greaseball._  “I’ll decode it.”

I squeezed my eyes shut, embarrassment penetrating every bone in my body. This was so childish.

“I hate you. I want to move out. I want to never see you again. I do not care what anyone else says, or thinks. I am definitely not still worried about how Taekwoon would react. I… Wonsik!”

His hand had slid down to my hip, pushing me back and down, into the bed. He leaned over me a bit more directly.

“Let me guess… You don’t want me to kiss you?”

“Exactly.”

Wonsik swooped, firmly setting his lips to mine. He tasted slightly salty, and a little bit like city snow. It was far more familiar than it really should have been. Struck with guilt, I pushed him away.

“What?” Wonsik asked, clearly concerned. “What’s wrong? What did I do?”

“You… It wasn’t you. I… Taekwoon…” I tried to find anything to look at that wasn’t Wonsik’s eyes. My eye caught the slightly sagging loop of his shirt’s collar. The swirling script on his collarbone naturally drew my eye in furth…  _No… Wait… Stay on topic._

“I… Well I don’t understand,” Wonsik pulled away slightly, returning to laying on his side next to me, “but it’s okay.”

“I’m sorry. I just… I want to be able to just say ‘oh, that relationship, it ended because he was bad’ but it’s not true.”

“Anjinho…”

Despite the heavy feeling in the room, I smiled. He had stumbled a little over the pronunciation, but the fact that he had tried at all…

“Where did you learn that?”

Wonsik just smiled and winked, miming locking his lips shut. Seriousness quickly overtook his face again.

“Anjinho…” his pronunciation was more confident this time. “He was bad to you. Worse than I even thought was possible.”

“I know. I know that. In my brain, I know that. But there’s still some part of me that feels like if I had just tried harder, or been more patient, or if I could have just put up with the loneliness better…”

Wonsik scooped me to lay on his chest.

“Xodó, you did everything right. You brought him lunches, you told him what you needed, you forgave him for little things, and big things. You…”

“I cheated on him.”

“No you didn’t.”

I rolled my eyes, fixing him with a sarcastic look.

“Come on Wonsik.”

“You didn’t. You can’t cheat on someone that you aren’t in a relationship with, and you aren’t in a relationship if the other person doesn’t even care about you.”

“He cared. In his way.”

“He cared about you as a symbol, not as a person. Like how some people might wear a cross, but don’t know anything about the bible.”

“Wonsik-aaaah. I know. In my brain…”

“But your feelings haven’t caught up.”

“Right. And a relationship is a relationship, even when it’s bad. I made that promise to him, that I would take care of him, that I would be only with him…” I stopped to clear my throat. “I broke that promise.”

“You don’t owe him anything xodó.”

I pushed myself to sit up.

“I never should have taught you that word.”

Wonsik crossed his hands behind his head, smiling up at me.

“I like it. But you’re changing the subject,” I looked away from him, but listened, “neither of you were perfect, but you have to remember some things. First, he was way worse. Second, you aren’t dating him anymore. Third, you don’t owe him anything.”

“You already said that.”

“It needed to be said again. Xodó,” I felt the bed shift behind me, then his arms were around me, his chin on my shoulder, “it’s been over six months. Are you really so worried about hurting him?”

“I guess not.”

“Then what’s wrong? Do you not like me?”

“I like you. That’s the problem.”

Wonsik pulled me to be laying next to him again, offering me the security of being the little spoon.

“That doesn’t make sense. I love you, you like me. That’s close enough for me.”

“I love…” I cleared my throat again. _When had it gotten so dry in here?_ Thankfully, Wonsik kept quiet, though his arms did tighten around me a little bit.

“I… I love you too. But I’m not… I cheated on Taekwoon.”

“Ah… you’re worried about how things will go with us?”

I just nodded. I felt him shift his weight slightly.

“Anjinho,” his lips briefly landed on my neck, “I hope you know that I would never… Where do I even start? I’m not going to ignore you for so long that you think we’ve broken up. I can hardly go a day without talking to you. I’m never going to break anything to threaten you. I’ll never lay my hands on you,” he slipped his hand down my side, “unless you want me to.”

I suppressed a laugh.

“What about accusing me of fucking every guy that is nice to me?”

“Oh please,” I felt his lips smile against my shoulder, “I already know I can satisfy you. If someone is flirting with you, it just proves how lucky I am to be the one that has you.”

“Okay. But I…”

“You are a goddess. I’ve already told you that, loads of times.”

“But I cheated…”

“Aish. Fine,” Wonsik moved again, pulling me onto my back and moving to kneel between my legs, “do you want me to explain how I know you’ll never cheat on me?”

I nodded up at him. He put his hands on his thighs and looked down at me for a second before talking.

“I don’t know that you won’t,” he leaned forward, walking his arms forward until he was supporting himself above me, “but I think I can make you happy enough that you won’t ever even consider it.”

He dipped into a sort of pushup, hovering his lips over mine.

“So? Any more objections?”

I reached up and, shaking my head slightly, pulled him down to kiss me. Salt, winter weather, Wonsik.


	14. Extra Cream: 1

> **From: Leader N  
>  ** **You still work at the coffee shop?**
> 
> _**To: Leader N  
>  ** _ _**Yes. What's up?** _
> 
> **From: Leader N  
>  ** **He's coming to see you.**
> 
> **From: Leader N  
>  ** **Taekwoon.**
> 
> _**To: Leader N  
>  ** _ _**What?! Why?** _
> 
> **From: Leader N  
>  ** **It's not really my place to say.**

"Something serious happened."

"How can you tell?"

"He refuses to tell you over text, he's insisting that Leo come to actually see you," Jungsu snapped his fingers and pointed at me, "he found out about you and Wonsik!"

"Hakyeon has known since... Well... Not quite the beginning but pretty close. He's the only one that knows."

"Not Hakyeon! Leo! Taekwoon found out!"

"I hope not," I tucked my phone into the pocket of my apron, "I know he'll have to find out eventually but... I'm worried about how that will go over."

Jungsu nodded thoughtfully, leaning against the counter and cleaning out the catch tray of the coffee grinder. Areum approached with a tray full of empty cups. She looked up at us, her eyes turning suspicious.

"You two look like you know something that you're not supposed to know."

"Taek is stopping by later on. We're just wondering why." _Honesty is the best policy, right?_

 _Wrong._ It felt wrong but I hadn't been able to bring myself to tell Areum about Wonsik and I. I knew that she would stand by me, and my decision, but I didn't know if she would be able to keep it from Hongbin.

* * *

 

"Americano with salt please. Taekwoon."

It was busy. So busy that I hadn't noticed him come in. I hadn't noticed him come to the counter. I hadn't noticed him until I heard his voice behind me, giving Areum his order.

"Oppa!" Areum squealed. I turned to see her squeezing his hand, smiling up at him. He had a not unpleasant expression on his face, and his eyes were already on me when I turned.

"Leo," I finally managed to breath.

"Yeob... Uh... Noona."

* * *

 

It was too busy to talk right away. When I gave him his coffee he simply stated "I'll wait," before heading to a table near his old usual one.

I tried my best to push the thought of him out of my mind. Focusing on orders and latte art, I couldn't quite dislodge him. The weight of his gaze hung heavily on my back, and was confirmed every time I spared a glance in his direction.

Eventually the crowd thinned enough that I could talk to him. I sat stiffly in the seat opposite him, waiting for him to start.

"You still do the lip thing when you're working on lattes," he seemed unable to meet my eye now that I was in front of him. He swirled the dregs of his coffee around the bottom of his cup.

I didn't respond.

"Where..." he sighed before changing his mind, "are you safe?"

"Yes."

"Good," he nodded, eyes still trained on his coffee cup, "that's good."

I cleared my throat, no idea of what to say coming to mind.

"You changed your number, I guess."

"Yes."

"Hakyeon told me that he warned you I was coming."

"Yes."

"Noona," he finally stilled his hands, putting his cup down, "I... Maybe this is a bad idea. I should go."

He shifted, starting to stand up. I kept my eyes on his abandoned coffee cup.

"You came for a reason,” I forced myself to meet his gaze. He didn't complete the gesture, “just tell me."”

He sighed again, running one hand through his hair. The other reached into an inner pocket on his jacket. It withdrew with a small envelope in tow. He tapped it against the table for a second before using both hands to formally hand it to me.

I politely took it, glancing between the expensive stationary and his face. Taekwoon finally met my eyeline.

"Please," his hand jerked slightly, as if he was resisting taking mine, "I'm being selfish. Just, consider it?"

* * *

 

> _**To: Wonsik  
>  ** _ _**I need you.** _
> 
> **From: Wonsik  
>  ** **I'm doing a photo shoot right now.**
> 
> **From: Wonsik  
>  ** **Though I guess I could sneak you a few private pictures ?**
> 
> _**To: Wonsik  
>  ** _ _**Not what I meant.** _
> 
> _**To: Wonsik  
>  ** _ _**Pervert.** _
> 
> _**To: Wonsik  
>  ** _ _**When will you be done?** _
> 
> **From: Wonsik  
>  ** **What's wrong? Are you okay?**
> 
> _**To: Wonsik  
>  ** _ _**I'm fine, I think. Taekwoon stopped by the shop today.** _

My phone started jingling, a picture of Wonsik and I making dumb faces together illuminated the screen.

"Yes?"

"What happened?"

"Taekwoon... Uh... There's a memorial service next week, and I guess he wants me to go."

"I saw Leo fifteen minutes ago and he didn't say anything. What are you talking about?"

"No... I mean... His father died."

Wonsik was quiet for a second.

"And?"

"What do you mean 'and'? I know you have your differences now, but he **was** your best friend. **And** his father just died. **And** he was dealing with this without telling anyone. **And** he didn't even tell me."

Wonsik groaned into the receiver.

"Fine. I get it."

He went quiet, then sighed.

"Anjinho, have I ever told you that you're too kind for your own good?"

"Probably."

"You really are. If you want to go, you should go."

"And you?"

"I'll definitely go if you do. Otherwise, I don't know."

"He's still your bandmate. You should go, even if I don't. Even if you don't want to."

* * *

 

"I never met his father," I croaked, not looking up from the card in my hands.

"I only met him once. He was gone for a long time. Working in Taipei I guess. Hakyeon said he came back a year or two ago, after his cancer had metastasised."

I nodded. I didn't know why I was nodding. It felt like the right response though.

"Apparently Hyuk was the only one who knew."

"That's why he told me that Taekwoon had a good reason," I was still nodding. Maybe I was trying to rock my brain into better action.

Wonsik cleared his throat.

"Look, I don't think you should go," he took my hand in his, brushing his thumb over my fingers, "but I'll understand if you want to go. I'll be going, but I -" his voice cracked a little. Swallowing quickly, he tried again.

"I just want you think carefully about it."

"Right."

"Of course, if we show up together it may cause problems."

"Right."

* * *

 

I stared at racks of dresses.

“What do you even wear to a funeral?”

“Something with a low-cut neckline and a high-cut hemline that clings to every curve and shows him everything that he threw away.”

Gayoung held up a dress that accurately represented her description.

“Or,” Areum pulled it away from her, “just a simple black dress.”

She held up a much more conservatively cut garment.

“I still say you shouldn't go.”

Gayoung hit Jungsu with a hanger.

“Nobody asked your opinion.”

“No, no, I think he’s onto something.”

Gayoung rolled her eyes and shoved the dress into my hands.

“Just try this on already.”

* * *

"Ready?"

"No."

We looked up at the church. It seemed daunting. Wonsik squeezed my hand, both offering and seeking reassurance.

"We probably should go in separately, or at least..."

"No," Wonsik shook his head, tightening his grip on my hand.

Hakyeon stood just inside the doors. As we approached, he quickly pulled us aside, into a small office type of room.

"I think Wonsik should go in first. No," he cut off Wonsik before he could even start talking. "I know that you probably feel like you need to stay with her but think for a second."

"What is there to think about?"

I rubbed my hand up and down Wonsik's arm, trying to comfort him.

"His father just died. He's in a lot of pain right now."

"Exactly," Hakyeon nodded, "just imagine how you'd feel at a funeral and then your ex shows up with your best friend?"

Wonsik opened his mouth, but didn't say anything. I put my hand on his shoulder.

"Hakyeon's right. You go first. Taekwoon is having enough trouble right now. We shouldn't be rubbing this in his face."

Wonsik grimaced, but nodded. With a peck on my lips, he turned and exited the room. Hakyeon and I were left in an increasingly uncomfortable silence.

"Well," Hakyeon cleared his throat, "this is awkward."

"Trust me," I sat down in one of the chairs facing the desk, "I know."

"You and Wonsik seem... Umm..." Hakyeon sighed and slumped into the chair beside mine. He ran his hands through his hair before turning to look at me.

"What happened? Between you and Leo... I mean I know you had issues but one night you're at Hyuk's birthday together and the next you're just gone."

"I wasn't gone," I smoothed out the skirt of the dress I wore, "I was in the hospital for a few days. Then Wonsik kind of just... took me in."

Hakyeon nodded slowly. A frown was creasing his face.

"Were you sick?"

"Huh?"

"You were in the hospital."

"Oh," I couldn't look at him. I knew it was stupid, but I still felt so embarrassed about that night. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, reminding myself that Taekwoon was the one who should be ashamed.

"I wasn't sick."

"Why were you there then?"

"This isn't the place to talk about that."

We both fell silent again. I was memorising the pattern of the carpet when I heard the door open. I looked up and my breath stopped.

It felt like this was the first time I had seen him in person since that night. We were frozen, just staring at each other. I wondered what he was thinking about. _Did he really want me here? Why had I came? This was a bad idea. I shouldn't have..._

Taekwoon crossed the room and quickly pulled me out of the chair and into a tight hug. I hesitated before wrapping my own arms around him in return. I felt him start shaking slightly. Hakyeon silently exited the room, leaving us to our intensely awkward reunion.

"Yeob... Noona," Taekwoon's hands rubbed my back slightly, "I've missed you. I've missed you too much. I'm sorry about... I'm awful. I tried to see you in the hospital but Wonsik stopped me. He wouldn't let me even look through the door. He was right. I didn't deserve to see you. I still don't deserve to see you. I... Why did you decide to come?"

He finally released me from his grip, kind of. His hands stayed on my arms, thumbs rubbing circles into my biceps as he stared down at me. I reached up and wiped the tears from his cheeks. Taekwoon closed his eyes, pressing into the touch slightly.

"I'm not sure why. I guess I thought it was important. Maybe I should go..."

"No!" Taekwoon opened his eyes, his hands tightening on my arms. After a second, he pulled me back to his chest.

"Don't leave me," he said it quietly. I wasn't sure if he was referring to the memorial or to our now seriously defunct relationship.

"Taek..."

"I know. Just let me pretend. Just for a minute."

I let him hold onto me. He kept readjusting his arms, looking for particular position that would offer the most comfort.

"Yeobo... I love you."

My heart sank. I had worried about this.

"Taekwoon, don't."

"I know. I don't deserve to even say it," he pulled back, tilting his head to look down at me, "but you're here. I thought I'd never see you again. I can't let you leave without saying it."

"Taek, you know I can't accept it. It doesn't change anything."

"I know," his hand was sliding up, cupping my jawline, "I know," he lowered his head, getting closer, "I just need to..."

He was too close. I could feel his breath on my lips. He was half a syllable away from me. _What should I do? What do I do? He smells so good still... He's so soft and warm... His hands are..._ I closed my eyes and flashed back to the last time his hands had been on me. His hands on my throat. The days of being unable to speak properly, the weeks of being unable to work properly. Making Jungsu wait with me after every shift.

I pushed him away before he could close the gap. He didn't really react except to just stare at me. I paced for a second before falling back into my previous seat.

"Yeobo..." Taekwoon slowly approached, kneeling down in front of me.

"Stop it."

"I can't," he shook his head. "You'll always be mine."

"I shouldn't have come here."

"I'm glad you came. I should have told you from the start. I didn't know how to explain it. I'm such an idiot. If I had told you..."

"Hey," I ran my fingers through his hair gently. It was so easy to fall back into that role.

“It's done now. Don't think about that any more, okay? Just focus on the future now."

"I always thought you were my future though."

I started to pull my hand back, "this was a mistake."

"No, no," he pulled my hands into his, pressing his lips against my fingers, "this is perfect. This is good. It's a gift."

"Taek..."

"This is my chance to try again."

"No it's not Taek," I pulled my hands away from him. "I'm here because of what we had. It was important, and real, and despite everything I still care about you. It was important, but it's over. It was over a long time ago."

"Yeobo..."

"Stop."

"Please, yeobo, just let me..."

"Anjinho? Are you still in... Oh."

Wonsik stood in the door, staring at Taekwoon on his knees before me. Taekwoon looked up at him. Something passed in the look between them, but I wasn't sure what it was.

Taekwoon stood slowly and crossed to stand in front of Wonsik. After a short staring match I heard him mutter.

"How long?"

"Not long."

"If you hurt her..."

"I'm not like you Taekwoon."

"All the same."

It was tiring just to watch them. They were all squared shoulders and harsh faces. After another second, Taekwoon simply walked out, bumping Wonsik out of his way. Wonsik sighed and straightened out his clothes.

"Come on," he held a hand out to me, "we should probably go."

* * *

 

Wonsik sat on the sofa, still in his suit. His head was back and his eyes were closed. I would have thought he was asleep if not for the frantic tapping of his fingers on his legs.

I straddled his lap. We had talked a little about what had happened between Taekwoon and I in that room. Wonsik had listened quietly, nodding his head as he focused on driving home. His nerves had started then, beating a rhythm out on the steering wheel.

"Wonsik."

His eyes finally opened. He wrapped his arms around me, pulling me closer to him.

"Mm?"

"I love you. You don't have to worry about Taekwoo..."

Wonsik pressed his lips against mine, his hands firmly pulling me as close to him as possible. He pulled back and whispered.

"Say it again."

"You don't have to wor..."

"No. Before that."

"I love you."

He kissed me again, his hands settling on my hips, pulling me to grind against him. His lips started slipping down to my still mostly covered neck.

"I love you Wonsik."

He moaned against my skin, his hands starting to push my skirt upwards slightly.

"Ravi."

I was being lifted, turned, laid back along the length of the couch. Wonsik's hands were quick to start on the buttons down the front of my dress. His lips traced dotted lines across each newly exposed inch of my neck.

"Anjinho... Marry me."

"What?"

He adjusted his position, pressing his forehead to mine, staring into my eyes.

"Marry me. I was going to wait but... I've waited nearly four years already."

I could only stare at him. My brain was refusing to understand what was happening.

"Well?" He had ceased all motion, just looking down at me with an increasingly worried expression.

"I... Uh... Marriage?"

"Wait here, just... Don't move, okay?"

He disappeared, leaving me in an entirely confused heap on the sofa. I sat up and straightened my skirt out, still trying to work through what had just happened.

Wonsik reappeared, quickly taking a position kneeling in front of me. He ran his fingers through his hair a few times. I watched him take a few breaths before he started talking.

"Anjinho... Jagi... Aegi... Xodó... Yeobo... If I could, I would learn every sweet name in every language to call you."

His fingertips were tapping against my knees, a quick and somewhat distracting rhythm. He seemed to be waiting for some cue from me.

"Um... That's... Really cheesy actually," his eyebrows furrowed, so I laughed, "and really cute, and sweet."

"I feel like I'll never run out of ways to say I love you, but..." He paused for dramatic effect, "there's only one way I want you to say it to me right now."

He dropped one hand to his pocket, digging out a small box.

"What?"

"Say yes," he flipped open the box. "Say that you will marry me."

"When..."

"The night I got you the other ring."

"That was years ago."

"I said I'd been waiting."

"Well, I guess it would be rude to keep you waiting any more."

Wonsik's eyes lit up.

"So... That means yes?"

"I... It will be a long engagement."

"That's fine,” he nodded vigorously.

"I mean, like, at least a year."

"That's fine. I'm asking you to spend your life with me, I think I can handle another year of waiting."

He slowly lifted himself from the floor, leading his motion with his lips. His kiss was fresh water, clean tasting and refreshing.


End file.
